Category: ASH Blog Projects

Day Two: Nicknames

by maryhelenc, posted in ASH Blog Projects, Just Fun, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Relationships

I’ve been called many things; Mommy, MHC, editor, my current boss calls me Princess Zelda, I’ve been called a bitch, but the only nickname that stuck was Melon.

My best friend Gigi was hyper & all anyone could understand her saying was my name & it came out Melon & it stuck. It was NOT a boob reference. Now there are only six people left who call me Melon. It’s mainly MH now.

I actually hate nicknames. I don’t shorten my daughters’ names & I don’t care for pet names of any kind. I dated a guy who tried calling me Tigger for like a week but I shut that down (the reference would reappear as a weird in joke, as I made it a point to find Winnie the Pooh themed cards & gifted his daughter a plush one for pointless nothing day). I really don’t care for them @ all. I think they’re stupid. I don’t like being called sweetie or baby either, although I will tolerate it if I care about you.

Maybe it’s because my name is one that is often mispronounced or misspelled, but I really would prefer people call me by my given name. But for the six people left on Earth who call me Melon & refuse to call me anything else, I don’t hate it as much as I used to hahaha.

Either way, you can call me whatever you want. I likely won’t answer unless it’s my name or you’re one of those last six people.

Day One: 15 Random Facts

by maryhelenc, posted in ASH Blog Projects, ASH General, Dorkdom, Fitnesslicious, Just Fun, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Quotable Quotes and Potpourri, Social Media

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I try to do one of these every year, because I think writing about a particular subject each day helps me improve as a writer but helps people who read this crap get to know me as a person better & relate to my world a little more.

I could go through the introduction, but this seems much easier, so click here.

Next, some interesting facts about me. Sadly, nothing about me is terribly interesting so you’ll just have to settle for random facts.

1. In December, I bought Silver Linings Playbook to watch on a night off. I still have not done that. Maybe because I so rarely have nights off.

2. In addition to my Branta canadensis specific ornithophobia, I’m claustrophobic & I’m not terribly cool with mice either.

3. I’m way too amused by the doge meme & I visit the doge weather site all of the time. Much obsessed. Very laugh. So funny. Wow.

4. I’m so conscious of how my choices affect my daughters because I know how my mom’s choices affected me. I don’t want them to feel “screwed up” like I do.

5. I carry my Certificate of Divorce in my purse because I worked so hard to get it & spent a small fortune, so I’m pretty proud.

6. I keep a pair of shorts beside my bedside table so I’ll be motivated to exercise in the morning.

7. I just completed a 30 day squat challenge & I’m on day two of an abs & core challenge. 30 days of arms is next.

8. Trish Stratus is my idol & I would literally buy anything she endorses, except the Maple Leafs. I use her yoga DVD & Fit Gloves every day, bought New Balance shoes for running in the spring & if I ever interviewed her, it would be worse than when I fangirled over Amanda Marshall. Interviewing Trish Stratus would be the greatest day of my career.

9. All of life’s woes can be cured with pancakes or pancake type food, like crepes.

10. I once bought myself a diamond ring for my birthday. I was supposed to get engaged that day and when it all went to Hell, I went out & bought my own as some kind of empowerment thing. I have since misplaced said diamond ring in my house somewhere. Don’t all propose @ once guys.

11. I was recently barred from the Caesars Windsor gaming floor for the night because I didn’t have a second piece of photo ID. I’m in my thirties.

12. I cry @ the end of Monsters Inc. Every. Single. Time.

13. My entire love life can be summed up in the chorus of the song Endlessly by Green River Ordinance or All too Well by Taylor Swift. That makes me sad. It also makes me realize that I need to get out more, work less & like better music (except GRO, they are bomb).

14. I called the last guy I went on a date with a pretentious fop. I was most excited that I got to use the word fop in a sentence.

15. I’m designing my seventh tattoo. Okay I outsourced it. Someone else is designing my seventh tattoo. I’m excited either way.

There you have it kids, 15 amazeballs facts about MHC. Sorry they aren’t really that interesting. I’ll try to be cooler next year.

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What’s Wrong With That

by maryhelenc, posted in ASH Blog Projects, Just Fun, MH vs Dating, Relationships, Seriously WTF?, Social Media

After I was (once again) signed up for online dating by a friend who decided I need to start dating again, I couldn’t help but laugh @ most of the profiles. I’m sorry, but they crack me up. A few of my friends are on various sites & they too find this hilarious. So, I asked the ASH readers (as well as my friends, most of the suggestions came from my Muricah Food Tour companion, who sits on a dating site to chat with “winners” as she says) for some “Online Dating Pro Tips.”

1. Avoid Douchebags at all costs. A good way to tell is if they are shirtless in their profile pic & have any of the following in their profile: YOLO, KCCO, or Live, Laugh, Love. I was told by a guy friend that female douchebags can be spotted when they quote Katy Perry lyrics.

2. If you’re still ranting about being cheated on, dumped, etc. on your profile, then maybe you should take it down.

3. If your user name is “AwesomeSingleGuy,” “HonestGentleman,” “SweetLady,” or “KindHeartedGal,” you’re probably not any of these things. Perhaps “Donger” was taken? A coworker also informed that this rule applies if you have “cute” or “sexy” in your name (all of these names were actual people who have chatted with my Muricah Food Tour companion).

4. If you have no display pic, you’re probably married.

5. If your display pic is your car, you likely have a small penis. Adversely, of your display pic is your feet on the beach, you’re a woman with body image issues.

6. If s/he just wants to “hang out” and not go out to dinner or coffee, they’re ashamed to take you in public.

7. Calling a person you have never met “Baby” is frowned upon in most social circles.

8. Be honest. Asking for “a man/woman who takes care of him/herself” does not mean “thin/ripped.” I work out every single day, go running, walk home from work, eat right, etc. I am not thin, but I take care of myself. I had a male friend be told the same thing by a girl because he is a stockier build but works out to get in shape. Also, if you’re not thin/ripped (which 90% of these people aren’t), you should start taking care of yourself.

9. If they say they’re a doctor, they’re not a doctor.

10. Please know how to spell. Even if you’re not a super grammar nazi, no grown up wants to date someone who “types Lyke dis” & asks “wut u up 2 l8r?” I thought it was just me, but apparently it’s a lot of people.

11. TYPING IN ALL CAPS MEANS THAT YOU ARE YELLING. WHY ARE YOU YELLING?

Those are the ones we came up with. I’m sure there are more. Many, many more. But as I slowly enter the dating world (I’ve replied to one person & turned down two guys @ my store), I feel ground rules are important. So, thanks to everyone who pitched in rules for the ASH Multimedia guide to online dating.

My Precious

by maryhelenc, posted in ASH Blog Projects, Crazy Talk, Current Events, Dorkdom, Just Fun, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, MusicIsLifeIsMusicIsLife, My New Life As Me, Quotable Quotes and Potpourri, Relationships, Seriously WTF?, Social Media

I spend a lot of time on Facebook on the bus rides to & from work. During this time, people ask a lot of rhetorical questions. So, I decided to play guru & answer all of the rhetorical questions people post on Facebook! Hooray!

***Disclaimer: I am not smart nor qualified to dispense advice. The magic 8 ball is more qualified than me. Any taking of my knowledge & applying it to your life isn’t wise, as I’m not wise.***

Rhetorical question #1: why are people cruel?

Answer: because you let them. A lesson I have learned is that people will be as mean as you let them. Don’t allow it. Ignore it, be a lady (or gentleman) & do not dignify cruelty with a response. Simply remove what they intend to use as “ammo” & carry on like they do not exist. Also, people are cruelest to the one that loves them most. They know you’ll take it, absorb it, nurse that wound & continue to love them. It’s control. You can love someone more than life, but you don’t need to take their crap. Remember the words that my foster father gave me years ago: people are generally good & those that aren’t get what they deserve.

Rhetorical question #2: why do people Facebook creep/stalk their exes? It’s soooo annoying & I just want to punch my cousin in the face because she does it all of the time & then cries.

Rhetorical answer: because they are still in love with them. There are only two true emotions; love & indifference. Hate is just an angry version of love. If you care soooo much about what your ex is thinking that you creep them incessantly, you are still in love with them & any attempts to move forward are just attempts to replace what you left behind (The song Hurricane by Parachute addresses this well). Even the “I need to know they are thinking about/talking about me” proves you are in love with them, because that just screams that you need validation, that they think of you as much as you think of them. I guess the one upside to low self image is I just assume you’re not thinking about me and I need to do something to move on, so I just avoid. I will block you & everyone you know until I feel indifference. It’s likely the extreme opposite, but it makes me feel better. Also, don’t punch your cousin. Violence is never cool.

Rhetorical question #3: why do families hurt each other?

Rhetorical answer: because happy families that make sense & love each other every second only exist on TV. Every family has its moments where someone is a donger. Maybe they’re all dongers. MAYBE YOU’RE A DONGER. But we hold family to a higher expectation; stop that. All human interaction can be marred by human emotion. Blood doesn’t change that.

Rhetorical Question #4: WILL YOU PLEASE STOP SENDING ME GAME REQUESTS?!

Rhetorical answer: okay, this isn’t rhetorical, it just is. Go to settings & block the requests.

Rhetorical question #5: why are men/women such jerks?

Rhetorical answer: they’re not. Jerkdom is not defined by gender; it’s defined by jerks. Maybe that person dealt with so many other jerks who were hurt by previous jerks who were hurt by the original jerk. Think vampirism, only with jerks. Show kindness in the face of jerkdom. You’ll be surprised how people’s attitudes will change once you show them kindness.

Rhetorical question #6: why is dating so hard?

Rhetorical answer: chances are that you have unrealistic expectations. Obviously things like kids, sexual appetite, matrimony, are deal breakers, but if you’re looking for a supermodel when you aren’t or nitpicking about details that don’t matter, you’re choosing to make it hard. Life is about compromise & you need to figure out which details are set in stone & which ones aren’t & stop sending people packing because they didn’t have ocean green eyes with tanned skin. I know this, because I walk out of dates all of the time for dumb stuff just like that.

Rhetorical question #7: WHY WON’T MY CHILDREN BEHAVE?!

Rhetorical answer: I have no idea. But if you ever find the answer, share it with the rest of us. May God give you strength.

Rhetorical question #8: why are some people so awful? Like for reals, I wouldn’t do that to my BEST FRIEND & I can’t believe you would put that on Facebook. Not talking about any one person, but if I was, you know who you are.

Rhetorical answer: you did just put it on Facebook. Congrats, you got attention.

Rhetorical question #9: why does everything bad happen to meee? FML (sorry, can’t talk about it)

Rhetorical answer: see above.

There you have it, answers to random questions found on Facebook! I hope you got a cheap laugh & perhaps I’ll do it again sometime.

Ooh La La

by maryhelenc, posted in ASH Blog Projects, Celebrity Fluff, Crazy Talk, Mommydom, MusicIsLifeIsMusicIsLife, My New Life As Me, Relationships, Seriously WTF?, Social Media

I always feel kind of badly for Britney Spears.

She’s come a long way since her nervous breakdown as a result of the dissolution of her marriage and her battle with depression, but people still judge her for the head shaving and umbrella bashing and the worst; her not retaining full custody of her children.

I have never believed that a child “belongs” with his/her mother. I believe a child belongs with the parent that is best suited for them. Some dads (like Kevin Federline in this case) are better suited to raise their children. Ms. Spears travels a lot for her career, she is currently in Vegas doing shows, while her boys have been attending school in California with their father and stepmother. They see their siblings. It’s all a good situation.

courtesy: People Magazine
courtesy: People Magazine

We should be commending Spears for putting the needs of her children ahead of the needs of herself. I will never claim to be a perfect mother. Sometimes I raise my voice, sometimes (a lot of the time) my house is a mess. Sometimes I overshare on my blog in an attempt to be more open and get myself into trouble. Oh, and I swear…A LOT. However, my hippie friend told me that as long as she’s known me (which is a long ass time), she’s always seen me do the best that I can to put my daughters first. I was having a kind of downer, stressed out mom day, where the kids don’t listen and one comes downstairs covered in ink and there’s a tantrum and back talk and you seriously contemplate shipping them to the Jolie-Pitts. My hippie friend chose to write a piece for the ASH Life and I told her I was proud of her and she said she wished she had my patience for my girls, my desire to put aside what I wanted for what they need, etc. I told her I’m not always good @ that, and she told me “you’re better than most people, so give yourself some credit.” I think she needs to give herself some credit too. She’s been through a parenting situation no mother should have to go through and she’s done so with class, grace and a positive spirit that can’t be broken. Her boys are so lucky to have such an amazing mom (and stepdad/dad. The Eagleman is pretty bomb ass awesome too). I guess sometimes when you’re looking into the dark side of your role as parent, when the world tells you that you need to be perfect every second and that there is this standard of parenting, that when you can’t or won’t or aren’t that person, you can’t always see that you’re still a great mom. I’m a good mom. My hippie friend is an amazing mom. Britney Spears is an awesome mom because when all is said & done, the kids come first.

So, why not give Britney Spears credit? She clearly loves her boys. She adores them. Photos of them show a loving and nuturing relationship and you can’t fake a candid photo or the look in someone’s eyes in a photo. Her boys love her. But she’s also mature enough to see that her lifestyle of performing is not the type that a child should live, so she sees them as much as she can while continuing to give them the gift so few celebrity children have; stability, normal schooling, normal names, a normal life. Preston and Jayden Federline will likely grow up well adjusted and happy, something so few celebrity children get to do. We should be commending Spears for getting her life in order, moving forward and putting her kids first.

So, kudos to you Britney Spears, for being a parenting role model.

The 2013 30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 30

by maryhelenc, posted in ASH Blog Projects, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, MusicIsLifeIsMusicIsLife

Day 30: 10 things you would want to be remembered for.

There’s more than just 10. I want to be known as a good mom who tried her best for her kids, a good friend, the love of someone’s life, someone who made a difference, the best damn writer I could be. I don’t want to be a nother person who just existed.

But I’ll let Beyonce explain it better than I ever could.

The 2013 30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 29

by maryhelenc, posted in ASH Blog Projects, ASH General, Celebrity Fluff, Seriously WTF?, Social Media

Day 29: Something most people misunderstand about you.

I AM NOT WRITING ABOUT YOU.

This is the one thing that people misunderstand. I am not writing about you.

I won’t lie and say I have never written about people in my life; Hell, just yesterday I wrote something very personal. I do sometimes write about people and my life. But for the most part, I am not writing about any particular person or thing. Even things that reference my life are usually a series of events, not one particular event and generally high level. Most of the things I write are based on conversations with my close friends (mainly Drew & Dawna) and my own observations of the world around me. I spend a lot of time assessing my surroundings. So that blog about relationships may have been about a couple on the bus, or a composite of the marriages of every single person that I know. That thing about looking into one’s self may be about a friend’s career dissatisfaction (or my own). That random blog about random nothing that seems to come together may just be a bunch of things I was thinking of that turned into mush.

But I have always had people tell me I am writing about them. I am writing about a certain moment, a certain thing and normally they are wrong. Most of the time they are wrong. I don’t like to write about the people in my life very often. I wrote a post last year that EVERY SINGLE PERSON THAT I KNOW assumed was about their relationship. EVERYONE. Actually, it was about a picture I saw on Facebook of a guy I know and his girlfriend with that quote posted as the caption. The photo was sweet and it inspired me. I know people who think everything I’ve written is about them. Truthfully…none of it was about them.

This actually extends further than my writing. People will read the Quotes of the Day or lyrics from my Song of the Day on my Twitter account or my Facebook status and assume it some thinly veiled comment about where I am in my life. In reality, I read something cool and I like the song. I often wonder if social networking has made people vain, needing the validation that people are talking about them.

Every time someone tells me that they think something I write is some thinly veiled message to them, I just want to ask them why they feel that way. Honestly, I’ll start writing a blog post about something and later it will turn into something else based on a song I hear or something I see out the window, or Jeopardy. Truthfully, these people spend more time reading about what I’m supposedly thinking about them than actually thinking about them. It’s like they NEED me to be thinking of them, writing about them. They NEED to know that they are important to my life. Honestly, the more important you are to me, the less you are mentioned in my writing, save for Drew, who is of course part of the team. I’m not a thinly veiled statement sort of person. I’m more of a “long-winded, analytical, over-thinking,” sort of person. If I want you to know something, I will reach out and tell you, get nervous and babble for half an hour, or write it all down on paper and read it to you and it will be five pages long. I wouldn’t waste my time with subtle subtext, because truthfully, I’m not subtle about anything.

I have asked Drew a million times how people see so much of themselves in my useless ramblings. He says I should tell people that if they see themselves in every word I write, then chances are that’s how they feel. If you are taking my useless ramblings and seeing yourself, then chances are you need the lesson, prompting me to laugh at the idea of anyone taking my advice on anything. But he’s right; if you are reading something and you see yourself in it, then chances are it’s what you were thinking all along. Chances are that you see yourself in those words because those are the words that you need to hear to get where you want to be. If you genuinely believe that every little thing that I put out to the universe is about you, then maybe you should question why you are analyzing it all. Maybe that’s what you want, someone to be thinking of you, most likely because you are thinking about them. Drew’s logic is that if you think everything written by one person is about you, then it’s because you are thinking about them so much that you’ll read into things that aren’t there in the hopes that perhaps you are on their mind, which means you are super vain, or you’re projecting your feelings of devotion on to them. Either way, he’s right. If you consistently find something you can apply to your life here, then please apply those lessons and maybe you’ll be a little happier.

***Disclaimer. I am an idiot with a blog. Please do not take anything I say as a helpful life lesson. If you do for whatever reason decide that I actually known what I am talking about and take anything I say here and apply it to your life, then I hope it works out better for you. I would honestly apply more knowledge from Jerry Springer’s final thought than anything I say as wisdom.***

The 2013 30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 28

by maryhelenc, posted in ASH Blog Projects, Dear Blank, Douchers, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Quotable Quotes and Potpourri, Relationships, Seriously WTF?, When Things Suck Hard

Day 28: What is your love language?

***Dear readers, I apologize if this is more personal than the general crap that I produce that I pretend people enjoy. I promise to bring my vapidly endearing brand of self-depreciating wit back tomorrow.***

My love language?

I don’t.

My former husband calls me a lot of things; frigid, cold, and a bunch of insults I won’t publish here. I guess in a way, he is right.

I love my daughters, I love my friends. But I don’t love men. Well, not in the conventional sense. I base my relationships on logic. I choose mates based on what makes sense for me, my daughters, does it work on paper, with one exception. My love life mainly consists of first dates that I leave early or never call. The last guy who made it to date two told me that he thought he wanted to get to know me better; I told him I wanted to go home. They didn’t meet my ridiculously long list of criteria that makes the ideal mate. I loved my husband as a companion, as a friend. He offered security in a time when I had none and I became dependent on him for the air I breathed. I took most of his rage because I thought I deserved it because I couldn’t give him the validation he wanted because it just wasn’t there. So, I would be nicer, try to be that perfect wife, but I couldn’t do it. When the marriage was over, I didn’t cry. I missed our friendship, but I didn’t miss being his wife. Matrimony was never high on my list of priorities anyway. It never has been I got married because it’s what you did; you date, you get married. I’ve only wanted that once, for about a month, and then I got really scared that I was going to ruin it and wanted to stay in one place for awhile. I’m scared of the big steps and like to stay where I am. I’ll get excited about the idea of moving forward for a little while, but then I’ll wanna stay in the happy moment, right there and just “be”, because I struggle with the idea of someone getting too close to me, wanting to get inside of my head. It scares me. Even my closest friends don’t know much about me. I claim I’m an open book, but I’m not. I am about my current life, and some of my younger years, but that’s it. I put up walls to keep people out, because I have a heightened fear of abandonment and I’m afraid if people got to know the side of me that is much darker and sadder than the socially awkward, happy go lucky dork, they won’t love me anymore. Anytime someone gets close to me, I get scared that they won’t want me anymore and end up sabotaging the whole thing. I don’t mean to…I just get…scared that if I’m not super woman and just a normal human girl, then I’m not going to be “good enough.” So I go overboard trying to be the best possible MHC so they won’t want to understand why I’ll get so scared over the tiniest thing or sometimes want to stop and be reassured that you won’t go anywhere.

Truthfully, I’ve only truly loved one man. I was attracted to him from our second meeting, so much so, that I had to keep a certain distance (as I was you know, married). He was the exception, he didn’t meet my criteria, was the opposite of everything I had ever looked for. I loved every good, bad and even cruel thing about him. Even when he tore my heart out, I loved him & blamed myself, because he wouldn’t have done it had I not deserved it. I thought he loved me, truly loved me, even though I’m a scatterbrained, sort of crazy nitwit who cries a lot. He even saw that part of me I don’t show people and he still seemed to love me. Because I thought he loved me, I would have given him anything and bent over backwards for him, maybe too much, because he was just so good in my eyes, & I wanted to make him happy. I guess I wanted so badly to make him happy so he would never have to fear getting hurt. If I got hurt, I didn’t care, as long as he knew I couldn’t hurt him ever. I believed every word he said, especially his promise to always come back for me, because even if we got the start wrong, we’d get the ending right. When he was gone (& I realized he wasn’t going to keep that promise), I felt like someone had hacked off a limb, it was like a part of me was gone & I broke down. Me, the girl who didn’t cry when her marriage fell apart, who didn’t cry at the absolute worst moment of her life, just stood there back straight, refusing to give anyone the satisfaction of showing pain, cried like a lost child who didn’t know where to turn. Sometimes I think I’ll always be lost. Never is such a short word but such a long time to live without someone. Ironically, always is a longer word & even longer time, when the one you’ll love always is also your never.

I write about the idea of love, because it fascinates me. The idea of one person who doesn’t share your DNA that you want to spend your life with, are miserable without them and better with them? It sounds so easy but it’s actually so hard. I watch people in love and wonder why it’s not easier. If you love someone, you would do anything to be with them. But no, we let our own baggage, insecurities, hangups, get in the way. We won’t swallow our pride when we fight and admit we were wrong. We don’t tell people when we’re scared.Sometimes we don’t even like that person, but we can’t live without them? People always tell me that you work to make love work, but I’ve never seen anyone do it, myself included. We just walk away when it gets a little hard, then we pretend it’s not eating away at us, but it is. I look at my foster parents, who are still in love after so many years and wonder how we can do that in a disposible world. I could, for the right person, but both people would have to want to and generally that’s not the case, even amongst most of my friends who are married. One is trying while the other isn’t.

“We have to allow ourselves to be loved by the people who really love us, the people who really matter. Too much of the time, we are blinded by our own pursuits of people to love us, people that don’t even matter, while all that time we waste and the people who do love us have to stand on the sidewalk and watch us beg in the streets! It’s time to put an end to this. It’s time for us to let ourselves be loved.”

The 2013 30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 27

by maryhelenc, posted in ASH Blog Projects, Just Fun, My New Life As Me

Day 27: Your favourite body part and why.

I’m a girl, so I’m generally in a love hate relationship with my body.

I do however, love my eyes. I think they stand out. The only make up I wear is on my eyes and my eyeshadow collection is HUGE. My trunk of makeup is actually just all eyeshadow, mascara and eyeliner. That’s it.

I know it doesn't show them off super well, but it's the most recent photo of me.
I know it doesn’t show them off super well, but it’s the most recent photo of me.

I think they’re pretty and expressive. It’s also the first body part I notice on a man too. If you have dark brown or green eyes, chances are I’m already checking out the rest of you. There’s just something about the eyes; you can tell when someone is lying, you can tell how they feel. There is nothing more wonderful than looking @ someone and just feeling the love in their eyes.

I guess my fascination with someone’s eyes makes me love mine so much. I like the colour, I like that they’re big with long lashes and I like that people always compliment them. So, I play them up so they are the focal point of my body.