The Misadventures of MHC

Radioactive

February 10, 2013February 10, 2013 by maryhelenc, posted in Dorkdom, Quotable Quotes and Potpourri, Relationships, Seriously WTF?

Word.

I’ve mentioned this quote in two other posts (HERE & HERE) & I love it so much, I’m going to reference it back again today:

“Most of the problems in life are caused by: 1. Acting without thinking & 2. Continuing to think without acting.”

I’m a horrible over-thinker & listen maybe too well…sort of. I couldn’t tell you what I learned in Transcription class this week, but I could tell you every word my friends & loved ones have ever said to me. Then I look @ the words that contradict the words said before & get confused.

But I also act impulsively & do dumb things. We all do & those are the things that end up hurting people that we care about. Then we overreact instead of trying to understand the other person’s POV, we simply react, lash out, cut them completely out of your life, get mad, etc.

So, then what?

You linger in the shadows of their life, lurking in doorways, revisiting what happened. Wishing you could repair that friendship, relationship, whatever. Anything of course, but do something about it.

You’ll listen to the familiar songs, reminiscent of that time, you’ll look at the old photos & laugh @ the memories. You’ll visit the places you used to go, haunt them like a ghost & cling to that last link to that person, but you won’t take that step to say “Hey, I was wrong. I’m sorry.”

It’s funny how humans are genetically designed to recoil from pain, but then will hold onto to the most painful things. We will wrap our guilt around us like a blanket, torture ourselves with it, but make no attempt to be happy. We’d rather hide in the dark. Maybe we all need to step out of the shadows & stop watching & start enjoying. Stop lurking on the fringes, stop dancing around, using every alternative method to hold on & actually do something. Life’s not meant to be spent hiding, asking what if & waiting to make that move, because in the end, it’s just another what if!

“What if I waited too long & I lost everything?”

Bleeding Out

February 7, 2013February 7, 2013 by maryhelenc, posted in Dorkdom, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Quotable Quotes and Potpourri, Relationships, Seriously WTF?

Ladies & gentlemen, my friends.

I’m sure she’s not the only one that fears death. Me, I’m not that concerned. It’s gonna happen, I can’t stop it & I have bomb ass life insurance to protect my daughters’ interests.

However, I find that more people fear living than they do dying. They let petty things ruin their happiness, they surround themselves with negative people, they don’t take the leaps of faith because “what if”. They hold onto guilt from past infractions & allow it to keep them from becoming the person we need to be. What kind of life is the “safe plan?” Sure, it might seem nice for awhile, until you look at the chances that you didn’t take or the ones that you thought you blew. Then when the reaper comes, all you’re left with is a series of unanswered questions. Not exactly a life well lived.

My friend & I discussed how we all live mundane lives & how that’s humanity. But…why? Why does it have to be mundane? Sure you may have the “mediocre” job or the average home, but those things don’t define you. I can honestly say my life is freaking amazing. Maybe reporter/single mom/law student seems mundane, but I’ve accomplished so many thing I never thought I could do, I have children that amaze me every day & friends who have my back. I’ve been on adventures big & small & I can sleep well knowing I’ve given everything in life all I had. It’s not much, but I know I’ve lived, every day.

We don’t know how many days we get between the DOB & DOD. Do you really want to waste them with anger, resentment, guilt or any of the things that hold us back? I know I don’t. I’m only gonna get one February 7/13 & I intend to use it well. I may not get a February 8/13.

In the end, we only have one life & many of us are wasting it. Let’s stop.

I saw this message from a life coach online, lets practice it:

Explosions

February 4, 2013February 5, 2013 by maryhelenc, posted in ASH Photography, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Quotable Quotes and Potpourri, Relationships, When Things Suck Hard

Last summer, a really good friend of mine suggested that we start attending church. I find it to be a very positive experience and now that my girls are attending as well, I feel like it’s really helping us improve as a family.

Yesterday, my friend & I were inspired by the sermon we heard. We learned about how Jesus was nearly thrown to his death in his hometown of Nazareth for telling the people something that they did not want to hear. However, eventually the people calmed and let him on his way. This was coupled with the most famous Bible verse on love, which I’ve mentioned on this blog before, but I’ll repost for those who are too lazy to go back and look for it:

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”

It seemed like an odd pairing, as we go from a malicious attack on someone’s character to the gentle promise of love, which I guess it why my friend & I found it so interesting, so much so that I decided to share it with y’all. We all think of Jesus as this gentle, loving creature, but sometimes he was rather harsh and succinct with his comments towards people. He didn’t mince words and told people exactly what they need to hear, even if they didn’t like it. However, once people had a chance to calm down and reflect on his words, they realized that he meant them in the most loving capacity. He used the modern parallel of relationships; sometimes we have to tell our partner something that they don’t want to hear and they lash out, because the natural reaction to harshness is to be harsh back. When someone calls us on our crap, our reaction is to deny and make up excuses. However, once the initial anger dies down, you’re left with the realization that they likely meant no harm, they were reaching out because despite your current interactions, they care for you and wanted to help you. But you just lashed out and lied and hurt them (I know I’ve done this more than I’d care to admit).

Hence why the Reverend brought up Paul’s letter to the Corinthians. Because love doesn’t end. Love cannot fail, even when it seems hopeless, love is still there. Love is not an emotion that is turned off. You can pretend it’s gone, but it’s there, lingering in your mind and no matter how you try to bury it or push it away, it remains constant, in your mind and heart and nothing, not even harsh words or a proverbial kick in the face makes it go away. Sometimes what seems harsh is actually one’s desire to protect the person they love most in the world. But in the end, when cooler heads prevail, you’re left with the realization that the person who seemed harsh, arrogant or even stupid was likely the one person in the world who cared about your feelings the most. But love will never reject you, no matter how stupid you’ve been, which was the lesson our Reverend wanted to convey yesterday. His message was that sometimes we will say something to someone and they will get angry and walk away, ignore you and hurt you. But in the end, they will realize that you said it because you love them…and they will know that you were right and they will eventually tell you. But you have to show the true meaning of love; be patient and let them come to you on their own and when they do, do not dwell on past infractions. Forgive, put them behind you and focus on the fact that you love each other.

Man in the Mirror

February 1, 2013February 3, 2013 by maryhelenc, posted in Dorkdom, Douchers, My New Life As Me, Quotable Quotes and Potpourri, Seriously WTF?, When Things Suck Hard

“THE thousand injuries of Fortunato I had borne as I best could, but when he ventured upon insult, I vowed revenge.”

Everyone who knows me well knows my favourite author in the entire world is Edgar Allen Poe. One Christmas, my ex husband bought me a copy of my “favourite” Poe story (the Raven), only to have my friends tell him in unison that its actually the Cask of Amontillado.

I won’t spoil it for you, because its awesome, but it’s a story of how a man sets forth an interesting revenge for a perceived insult. The narrator never specifies what the insult was, just that it happened. The story takes some interesting turns from there, including the narrator’s sickness at heart over what he had done.

The truth is, that rash actions made in anger entomb us as much as the person that we’ve locked away. We may have chained them up in the darkest part of our hearts & locked them away, but they are still there, rattling their chains & pleading with you to come back & let them free. Meanwhile, you have imprisoned yourself in the same tomb, bound by your anger to an action you know was wrong. So, you venture down to the darkness & peer through the small window, watching them suffer, punishing yourself. They know you’re watching them suffer, feeling the sadness of knowing you’re taking great delight in their pain, unknowing that its guilt you’re feeling. Guilt for acting rash, vengeful & leaving you to languish.

For years, literary experts have believed that the narrator was actually insane & invented a reason to hurt his victim, because the slight was actually in his mind. I’ve always felt that Poe is trying to teach us that revenge is never a good idea. While yes, the narrator got away with it, it weighed on him for decades, eating away at his soul until he became a broken man.

Truthfully, most “slights” that prompt us to lash out in anger exist only in our own mind. We overreacted, we blew a minor slight out of proportion. Yes, people do dumb things, but chances are it wasn’t as bad as you made it out to be. We are our own worst enemies.

This is why reactions made in anger are never good; they hurt you more than you hurt them. You’re haunted by it, taunted by it & will never truly escape the guilt. Your victim lives in your heart imprisoned in the place you dare not go. By holding on to the anger, the revenge, you’ve held onto that person & the line between love & hate is so fine, that most experts will tell you that if you badmouth a former flame vehemently, you’re trying to mask your love for them. Why not set them (& yourself) free? Take them out of the prison of your heart & let them roam free in it. Let the only thing you keep chained in the basement be your desire for revenge.

Things I Cannot Recall

January 28, 2013January 28, 2013 by maryhelenc, posted in Douchers, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Quotable Quotes and Potpourri, Relationships, Seriously WTF?

“If you tell a man is worthless enough times, he will believe it & become that.”

It’s Monday, which means more gems of awesomeness from my favourite class!

The self-fulfilling prophecy is so sad, because it doesn’t have to be that way, you’ve just been conditioned (either by yourself or someone else) to believe its true.

I so rarely discuss personal events in my life, because my life is boring. But I relate to this so much, that I’m going to open up my weird psyche. Maybe you’ve been there too, or you’ll know why I’m in therapy. But I digress.

I grew up in a world where everything was my fault. EVERYTHING. If something happened in the first foster home I lived in, it was me, even if I didn’t do it. I was just a liar. I was always too demanding, too selfish, too needy, frigid, cold, never good enough, easily replaced. So, because of this I became…nice. The more times I was blamed for someone’s childhood trauma, depression or friend’s inability to get their life together, the nicer I got. I genuinely believed that if I was just nicer, people would be nice back. I never stood up for myself (I still don’t) & if someone has done something that should piss me off & they get defensive, I’ll just back down & try to make them feel better. If someone is angry with me, I’ll bend over backwards to be nicer to them so they’ll stop being angry. I can’t help it, the fear of rage, of being that Mighty Morphin Failure Ranger cripples me. I have to fix it. I’ll cry, beg, because I don’t want to feel replaceable like the people who blamed me told me I was. The silent treatment makes me feel smaller than small, to the point where I’ll do anything to make that person talk to me, even if they’re saying hateful things, because at least then they’re acknowledging I’m alive. I knew I needed to get out of my marriage when I welcomed being shoved into the wall & screamed at, because he was talking to me. The rest of the time, it was video games, books, anything but me. I was silenced & would gravitate to my bedroom, where I would feel invisible, replaceable…alone.

People ask how I became strong while retaining that stupid nice part of me. The answer is that I had no choice. My basic human instinct is to fight (as opposed to flight) & I refuse to let the world rob me of my basic humanity. I know how it feels to be made to feel subhuman, invisible, & broken & I don’t want to make a human being feel that way. So I’ll take their burden, make their guilt mine, rationalize their actions away & forgive them because it was likely my fault anyway. I’ll hold onto the good long after it seems like there is none because I don’t want to think I turned someone into a bad person. Isn’t conditioning fun?

This is why I empathize with people. Imagine being told your entire life that you are weak, no good, you don’t get a say, you’re pathetic. Then you meet someone who tells you that you’re amazing, you’re wonderful, the best thing that ever happened to them. You’re going to think they’re an idiot (I struggle with this. Whenever someone compliments me, I assume insults are coming). Chances are the minute things get confusing, you’re going to fall into old patterns “You’re just an asshole, be an asshole” or “Be nice, be nice, be nice.”You’ve fulfilled your own prophecy & likely destroyed the one thing you’ve always wanted. If we’re told something long enough, we embrace those traits instead of bucking them in favour of the good someone sees in us…or we know we’re capable of. We as humans hold onto the thing that we’re told the most. I was told I wasn’t important, could be replaced with a new friend/wife/foster child & life would be better. So, I do nice things so that I seem important, so that I feel like I matter.

If you’ve been told you’re an asshole by everyone you value, you will likely be an asshole & hurt people because its what’s expected, even though the people you hurt are the ones who didn’t think you were an asshole. If you’re conditioned to believe that you come from a thug culture, you will embody those characteristics. If you’ve been controlled, you will control the person you love, prey on their weaknesses & maintain that power because you NEED to feel like you have some in your life. You can only shuck them with positivity & belief in yourself. It’s why I write so many positive & uplifting lessons here. I figure there are others who feel trapped by negativity & want to read happy things. There’s enough negativity.

We’ve all been conditioned to be something. Maybe we should condition ourselves. Stop thinking the people who think we’re amazing are just stupid. Stop accepting that it just is. Strive to be the person you could be, not what you’ve been led to believe you are. You’re not just an asshole, you’re probably really great, just made some mistakes & the right people will always love & forgive you. Maybe you’re not a thug, maybe you just like hip hop & live in the wrong part of town. Maybe you’ll end up a doctor. Maybe you don’t need to control that person. Maybe you just need to let them love you instead of forcing them to feel the things you want them to, prove to you what they’ll do for you & accept that you are wanted. I need to learn I’m not replaceable & I can be nice as well as assertive. But there is good in you & you deserve to have the good things that come with that goodness. So, listen to the people who say you are good, ignore the old voices that say you suck & become the person you were meant to be.

Karma

January 27, 2013January 27, 2013 by maryhelenc, posted in Dorkdom, My New Life As Me, Quotable Quotes and Potpourri, Relationships, Seriously WTF?, When Things Suck Hard

“All men make mistakes, but a good man yields when he knows his course is wrong, and repairs the evil. The only crime is pride.”

I HATE when people point out when I’ve screwed up.

Of course, it happens so often, I’m almost used to it. I trust the wrong people (everybody), I take the wrong advice, I don’t trust my gut & I always believe in the goodness in everyone, even when they proved they don’t have any. I confide in people who prove that they are completely untrustworthy & believe them when they lie. Add in my own klutziness, big mouth & procrastination & I screw up…a lot. Sometimes I fall off of my own shoes, so there’s that.

When you tell me, I’ll cry. I can’t help it. Under my general screw upery is an overwhelming perfectionism. This is probably why I’m so anal retentive.

Of course, we know when we’ve screwed up. We’ll look at the mess we made of things & we’ll want to make it right, but no one wants their face rubbed in it like a dog, especially by the person we’ve wronged. We think we’re helping by reaching out, but we’re actually adding to the guilt. They hurt us in a manner most cruel & we are still showing compassion? So, we puff out our chest, hold onto our pride & act all cool, when in reality, we’re probably hurting & likely have added to the guilt by using our pride as a shield.

But like my father said, the bravest act of a coward is to repair his destruction, face what he has done & put it right. It’s a hard step, as it requires the admission that they were wrong, and forgiveness from themselves. After all, everyone else has likely forgiven them for their mess, but how do you forgive yourself for the hurt? I know when I’ve hurt another person, I will go to any lengths to apologize, but I won’t forgive myself. I’ll hold onto that guilt for months, wanting to make it okay. So, I hold onto my pride in the hopes that by acting indignant when I’m called on crap, I can feel better. Normally, I just feel lower because I blew another chance to do the thing I wanted to do, repair the relationship with the friend/partner/family member, but it wasn’t on my time or in my way.

So, while pride can be a good thing, it can also prevent you from being who you want to be. Don’t be afraid to swallow it sometimes, even if it wasn’t “your” way & take your lumps & yes, even feel guilty. Eventually those feelings will fade & you’ll be happy again, knowing you did what was best for everyone. After all, why watch the life you want like Scrooge talking to the spirit of life’s present? Wouldn’t you rather be there? There’s nothing wrong with pride in one’s self & work, but don’t let it keep you from being happy.

“We are rarely proud when we are alone.”

Reblogged: Teaming with No H8!

January 24, 2013January 25, 2013 by maryhelenc, posted in ASH General, ASH Photography, Celebrity Fluff, Uncategorized

This is the article that I wrote about Andrew Freij & the No H8 campaign!

afreij

By: Mary-Helen Clark

Andrew Freij is more than just a pretty face, he wants to make a difference.

For many American young people, their 21^st birthday is an excuse to imbibe to excess, and cause mayhem. But for the Livonia native, it was an opportunity to speak out for a very important cause. The actor and model teamed up with the NO H8 campaign to support same sex marriage as well as LGBT rights and went on tour, visiting various cities across Canada and the US to promote tolerance.

“I didn’t want to go out and party, I wanted to support a cause,” Freij said.

“I have so many friends in the gay and lesbian community and I wanted to support them. My ultimate goal in life is to use my career to change something, I want to make a difference and the No H8 Campaign is just the…

View original post 262 more words

Kiss Me

January 23, 2013January 24, 2013 by maryhelenc, posted in ASH Photography, Celebrity Fluff, Dorkdom, Douchers, Quotable Quotes and Potpourri, Relationships, Seriously WTF?

“In the end, even if not in the short-term, love will conquer all.”

I found this quote on Twitter & I thought it was too cute.

It made me think as lately most of my friends are at these relationship crossroads. It happens to everyone after you’ve been with someone for more than a few months and that warm fuzzy infatuation feeling wears off and you’re in that real love stage. We all end up in that place and for some reason, when things get a little hard, one person wants to work on it while one person always seems to want to bail. We live in a society where love is disposable. When life gets hard, we throw it away & think everything gets better. Oh, we’ll get a new partner & it’ll be better…until chances are we ruin that relationship. It probably fell apart the same way too. But why?

Because the problem never went away…because the problem is you.

Yes, YOU.

You are the problem, just like I am the problem, everyone is the problem! The truth is that we think because we left a relationship, then we “fixed” the problem, when in fact the problem is still there. It’s internal and it’s never going to get better and just because you’re going to make the same mistakes over again.

Maybe you never tell your partners when you’re angry, so they’re constantly guessing why you’re mad and then you just walk away because well…they’re still doing that thing that pissed you off. People don’t read minds, how were they to know when you didn’t tell them? Maybe they asked and you said it’s fine (SUCH a chick move). Maybe you overreact when you need to have a frank conversation and cry, so that your partner doesn’t feel they can tell you when your relationship needs work. Maybe when you feel confused, you try to rationalize & take everyone’s advice but your own & make a giant mess & ruin everything. Maybe you bury your head in the sand like an ostritch and pretend everything is fine when in reality, everyone is pissed off and nothing is working. Maybe you displace aggression and yell about the floor mat but in reality you had a bad day at work. But there is something that needs work and that something is how you handle conflict, how you handle stress, how you handle arguments, you, you, YOU. The reason you can’t find someone is because of you.

This is one of the reasons I continually try to evolve as a person. I know that friendships and relationships end and it’s because of something I did (as well as something they did), so I try harder to improve myself because remaining static will only hinder your life’s journey.

However, chances are that much like the quote says, there is that one person that you can conquer odds with…eventually. Maybe it’s the person you’ve been with for years, maybe it’s that old flame that sticks out in your mind but you treated them really crummy. But that’s the person you need to know about the most and you will loop back over and over to that person. People believe once something fails, it’s broken but just because you’ve found “the one” doesn’t mean the path to forever is going to run smoothly. In fact, a lot of times there will be periods of damn hard. However, running away from the problem doesn’t make it go away. It just eats at you, damaging the rest of who you are until you become a broken person. Look at Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel. Timberlake left Biel when she was hoping for a commitment and he wasn’t ready to settle down. He dumped her unceremoniously and slutted it up. Six months later, Timberlake went back to Biel and asked for another chance and the couple wed late 2012.

Sometimes things just don’t effing work at the time, but they won’t ever work if you don’t even try. They won’t work with the next person either. It’ll be a continuous loop of failed relationships until you look at yourself and start looking at how you treat others, how you communicate with them, how much you invest in actually attempting to make it work. But eventually, you’ll meet someone that you can’t stop thinking about no matter how many times you eff it up and eventually, it’ll work. I mentioned it back in September and it bears repeating, that couples who have been married 40 or 50 years will tell you that in their day, you fixed something when it didn’t work right, you didn’t just throw it away.

Carry On

January 21, 2013August 28, 2013 by maryhelenc, posted in ASH General, Celebrity Fluff, Political Fluff, Quotable Quotes and Potpourri, Relationships, Seriously WTF?, Television

“Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.”

Dear Dr. Martin Luther King,

Today we celebrate your life & legacy. Almost 50 years ago, you had a dream. A dream that all men were created equal & that all minorities would be treated as equals. In a way, we’ve done that, as today your nation is also publicly swearing Barack Obama in to his second term as President, the first biracial president. During your time Dr. King, that couldn’t have happened, so that is progress. There is no more segregation, everyone seems equal on the surface, so there’s that.

However, things aren’t ideal sir, & for that I’m sorry. We’re still a racist society. People still crack jokes about the disrespectful folks on Maury as if they are the spokespeople of your race, instead of the lowest common denominator. You’re dismissed as drug dealers & criminals & you can count the number of Oscar winners on your hands. We still segregate people, only we’ve moved on to the LGBT community. Your nation lets them vote, but not get married. Your nation looks down on immigrants, giving them low paying jobs, stereotypes based on those jobs. I don’t feel you would approve of the way Mexican Americans or Arab Americans are treated. Your nation responds to threats by bombing every nation to the ground. I don’t think that was part of your dream & I’m sorry.

We as people are apathetic now. A man of your conviction would be treated as a sideshow act, while we waited for the Kardashians to come on TV. Your nation celebrates a man who beats his girlfriend, treats criminal records as “cred.” Your nation uses charity work as a status symbol, a chance for photo ops while the issues with poverty, homelessness & a fractured foster care system go ignored. Inner city schools are closed, so children are sandwiched in classrooms, but more concern is paid to the NHL lockout. Your nation cares more about their right to bear arms than the death of Trayvon Martin, a 15 year old boy who was attacked and shot for wearing a hoodie & refusing to answer a man on a power trip & the victims of the Newton CT massacre. We are a society of “Me” not “We” & I’m sorry.

We don’t love each other. We push away those who love us & hurt those who love us when our ego is bruised. We don’t forgive mistakes, we punish. We milk past hurts as an excuse to ruin the present & very few of us live up to our potential. You gave a message that love could change the world & somewhere along the way we lost that message & lost what love is. It got lost in the pursuit of money & notoriety, the quest to be right instead of be understood. You taught us about non-violent resistance, how assertive words & passion bring about the reward. You taught us that faith in your conviction, truth in your words & love in your heart could change the world. Somewhere we became selfish & missed the mark & I’m sorry.

I’m sorry that your nation & others lost your message & now only listen to you today because they’ll be forced to. You can take solace in the man that leads your beloved country heard you & continues to fight for your weakest, those without a voice & hopefully, change will come. I hope that today, everyone hears a transcript of your great words, whether that you had a dream or that you were on the mountaintop & focuses on loving their fellow man. Maybe they can quit their “harmless” jokes (that I too am guilty of), stop generalizing entire groups of people, & learn to love people & allow love to flourish.

I hope one person hears your words that will be played before every American TV show & takes them to heart & applies them to their life. For they will show others, who will show others & eventually, your dream will be a reality, even if it takes 100 years.

Sincerely,

MHC