When Things Suck Hard – Page 13 – The Misadventures of MHC

The 2013 30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 28

March 5, 2013June 28, 2013 by maryhelenc, posted in ASH Blog Projects, Dear Blank, Douchers, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Quotable Quotes and Potpourri, Relationships, Seriously WTF?, When Things Suck Hard

Day 28: What is your love language?

***Dear readers, I apologize if this is more personal than the general crap that I produce that I pretend people enjoy. I promise to bring my vapidly endearing brand of self-depreciating wit back tomorrow.***

My love language?

I don’t.

My former husband calls me a lot of things; frigid, cold, and a bunch of insults I won’t publish here. I guess in a way, he is right.

I love my daughters, I love my friends. But I don’t love men. Well, not in the conventional sense. I base my relationships on logic. I choose mates based on what makes sense for me, my daughters, does it work on paper, with one exception. My love life mainly consists of first dates that I leave early or never call. The last guy who made it to date two told me that he thought he wanted to get to know me better; I told him I wanted to go home. They didn’t meet my ridiculously long list of criteria that makes the ideal mate. I loved my husband as a companion, as a friend. He offered security in a time when I had none and I became dependent on him for the air I breathed. I took most of his rage because I thought I deserved it because I couldn’t give him the validation he wanted because it just wasn’t there. So, I would be nicer, try to be that perfect wife, but I couldn’t do it. When the marriage was over, I didn’t cry. I missed our friendship, but I didn’t miss being his wife. Matrimony was never high on my list of priorities anyway. It never has been I got married because it’s what you did; you date, you get married. I’ve only wanted that once, for about a month, and then I got really scared that I was going to ruin it and wanted to stay in one place for awhile. I’m scared of the big steps and like to stay where I am. I’ll get excited about the idea of moving forward for a little while, but then I’ll wanna stay in the happy moment, right there and just “be”, because I struggle with the idea of someone getting too close to me, wanting to get inside of my head. It scares me. Even my closest friends don’t know much about me. I claim I’m an open book, but I’m not. I am about my current life, and some of my younger years, but that’s it. I put up walls to keep people out, because I have a heightened fear of abandonment and I’m afraid if people got to know the side of me that is much darker and sadder than the socially awkward, happy go lucky dork, they won’t love me anymore. Anytime someone gets close to me, I get scared that they won’t want me anymore and end up sabotaging the whole thing. I don’t mean to…I just get…scared that if I’m not super woman and just a normal human girl, then I’m not going to be “good enough.” So I go overboard trying to be the best possible MHC so they won’t want to understand why I’ll get so scared over the tiniest thing or sometimes want to stop and be reassured that you won’t go anywhere.

Truthfully, I’ve only truly loved one man. I was attracted to him from our second meeting, so much so, that I had to keep a certain distance (as I was you know, married). He was the exception, he didn’t meet my criteria, was the opposite of everything I had ever looked for. I loved every good, bad and even cruel thing about him. Even when he tore my heart out, I loved him & blamed myself, because he wouldn’t have done it had I not deserved it. I thought he loved me, truly loved me, even though I’m a scatterbrained, sort of crazy nitwit who cries a lot. He even saw that part of me I don’t show people and he still seemed to love me. Because I thought he loved me, I would have given him anything and bent over backwards for him, maybe too much, because he was just so good in my eyes, & I wanted to make him happy. I guess I wanted so badly to make him happy so he would never have to fear getting hurt. If I got hurt, I didn’t care, as long as he knew I couldn’t hurt him ever. I believed every word he said, especially his promise to always come back for me, because even if we got the start wrong, we’d get the ending right. When he was gone (& I realized he wasn’t going to keep that promise), I felt like someone had hacked off a limb, it was like a part of me was gone & I broke down. Me, the girl who didn’t cry when her marriage fell apart, who didn’t cry at the absolute worst moment of her life, just stood there back straight, refusing to give anyone the satisfaction of showing pain, cried like a lost child who didn’t know where to turn. Sometimes I think I’ll always be lost. Never is such a short word but such a long time to live without someone. Ironically, always is a longer word & even longer time, when the one you’ll love always is also your never.

I write about the idea of love, because it fascinates me. The idea of one person who doesn’t share your DNA that you want to spend your life with, are miserable without them and better with them? It sounds so easy but it’s actually so hard. I watch people in love and wonder why it’s not easier. If you love someone, you would do anything to be with them. But no, we let our own baggage, insecurities, hangups, get in the way. We won’t swallow our pride when we fight and admit we were wrong. We don’t tell people when we’re scared.Sometimes we don’t even like that person, but we can’t live without them? People always tell me that you work to make love work, but I’ve never seen anyone do it, myself included. We just walk away when it gets a little hard, then we pretend it’s not eating away at us, but it is. I look at my foster parents, who are still in love after so many years and wonder how we can do that in a disposible world. I could, for the right person, but both people would have to want to and generally that’s not the case, even amongst most of my friends who are married. One is trying while the other isn’t.

“We have to allow ourselves to be loved by the people who really love us, the people who really matter. Too much of the time, we are blinded by our own pursuits of people to love us, people that don’t even matter, while all that time we waste and the people who do love us have to stand on the sidewalk and watch us beg in the streets! It’s time to put an end to this. It’s time for us to let ourselves be loved.”

The 2013 30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 20 & 21

March 1, 2013March 1, 2013 by maryhelenc, posted in ASH Blog Projects, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Seriously WTF?, When Things Suck Hard

Day 20: Describe Three significant moments from your childhood

1. The death of my father. It’s hard enough to lose a parent, especially when you’re little. Daddies are supposed to be invincible. They’re supposed to be able to do everything and they don’t get sick, let alone get cancer and die. I remember my mom telling me that Daddy went to Heaven when I was five and I cried and laid in bed for days. It was brutal. As I got older, I felt the void more, because I knew he wouldn’t walk me down the aisle when I got married, he wouldn’t meet my daughters, etc. Maybe I would have grown up into a better person.

2. Foster home. Nothing like that stigma of being some sort of screwed up kid! Going into foster care was scary and embarrassing and all of a sudden I felt sort of different. I was like a girl without a family, and all I ever wanted was a family…well, a normal one. I was scared and I both wanted and didn’t want to go home. Those are a lot of emotions for a 12 year old girl to process. But I made it through.

3. Moving in w/ my “parents.” Moving in with the foster parents I eventually looked at as my family was the best day of my childhood. I finally had a real family, with two parents and no worries about where the next meal was coming from and parents who helped with homework and vacations and hugs, lots of hugs. This is the family I based my future family around and for the first time in my life I was confident and happy and I felt like a regular teenage girl. My problems were grades and lame boys and fights about shirts. It was the most wonderful part of my childhood, the seven years I spent there.

Day 21: If you could have a superpower, what would it be?

I already have one. I live my life and I haven’t developed a drinking problem yet. I’d say that’s pretty super hahaha.

The 2013 30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 6

February 16, 2013February 16, 2013 by maryhelenc, posted in ASH Blog Projects, My New Life As Me, Relationships, Seriously WTF?, When Things Suck Hard

Day 6: Name the hardest thing you’ve ever had to do.

I’m not one to go on about really personal things on my blog. I prefer high level personal anecdotes. If you only read my blog & did not know me, you likely wouldn’t know intimate details about me & that’s how I like to keep it.

The hardest thing I’ve ever done is something only two people know (besides myself). It relates to a health issue that I dealt with back in August that left me quite ill & some days, just making my daughters breakfast left me so exhausted that I needed to rest. I was very emotional because I had never had to deal with something that serious on my own, with no partner to help me with the kids, or reassure me that I would be okay, which would have been nice as for three weeks I was a human pincushion while medical personnel didn’t know what was wrong & while I was physically recovered by the end of September, it took its toll on me emotionally.

It was rough, but fortunately I had two close friends to help me through. I’m grateful it’s behind me & I truly hope I’m never in a situation like that again.

Explosions

February 4, 2013February 5, 2013 by maryhelenc, posted in ASH Photography, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Quotable Quotes and Potpourri, Relationships, When Things Suck Hard

Last summer, a really good friend of mine suggested that we start attending church. I find it to be a very positive experience and now that my girls are attending as well, I feel like it’s really helping us improve as a family.

Yesterday, my friend & I were inspired by the sermon we heard. We learned about how Jesus was nearly thrown to his death in his hometown of Nazareth for telling the people something that they did not want to hear. However, eventually the people calmed and let him on his way. This was coupled with the most famous Bible verse on love, which I’ve mentioned on this blog before, but I’ll repost for those who are too lazy to go back and look for it:

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”

It seemed like an odd pairing, as we go from a malicious attack on someone’s character to the gentle promise of love, which I guess it why my friend & I found it so interesting, so much so that I decided to share it with y’all. We all think of Jesus as this gentle, loving creature, but sometimes he was rather harsh and succinct with his comments towards people. He didn’t mince words and told people exactly what they need to hear, even if they didn’t like it. However, once people had a chance to calm down and reflect on his words, they realized that he meant them in the most loving capacity. He used the modern parallel of relationships; sometimes we have to tell our partner something that they don’t want to hear and they lash out, because the natural reaction to harshness is to be harsh back. When someone calls us on our crap, our reaction is to deny and make up excuses. However, once the initial anger dies down, you’re left with the realization that they likely meant no harm, they were reaching out because despite your current interactions, they care for you and wanted to help you. But you just lashed out and lied and hurt them (I know I’ve done this more than I’d care to admit).

Hence why the Reverend brought up Paul’s letter to the Corinthians. Because love doesn’t end. Love cannot fail, even when it seems hopeless, love is still there. Love is not an emotion that is turned off. You can pretend it’s gone, but it’s there, lingering in your mind and no matter how you try to bury it or push it away, it remains constant, in your mind and heart and nothing, not even harsh words or a proverbial kick in the face makes it go away. Sometimes what seems harsh is actually one’s desire to protect the person they love most in the world. But in the end, when cooler heads prevail, you’re left with the realization that the person who seemed harsh, arrogant or even stupid was likely the one person in the world who cared about your feelings the most. But love will never reject you, no matter how stupid you’ve been, which was the lesson our Reverend wanted to convey yesterday. His message was that sometimes we will say something to someone and they will get angry and walk away, ignore you and hurt you. But in the end, they will realize that you said it because you love them…and they will know that you were right and they will eventually tell you. But you have to show the true meaning of love; be patient and let them come to you on their own and when they do, do not dwell on past infractions. Forgive, put them behind you and focus on the fact that you love each other.

Man in the Mirror

February 1, 2013February 3, 2013 by maryhelenc, posted in Dorkdom, Douchers, My New Life As Me, Quotable Quotes and Potpourri, Seriously WTF?, When Things Suck Hard

“THE thousand injuries of Fortunato I had borne as I best could, but when he ventured upon insult, I vowed revenge.”

Everyone who knows me well knows my favourite author in the entire world is Edgar Allen Poe. One Christmas, my ex husband bought me a copy of my “favourite” Poe story (the Raven), only to have my friends tell him in unison that its actually the Cask of Amontillado.

I won’t spoil it for you, because its awesome, but it’s a story of how a man sets forth an interesting revenge for a perceived insult. The narrator never specifies what the insult was, just that it happened. The story takes some interesting turns from there, including the narrator’s sickness at heart over what he had done.

The truth is, that rash actions made in anger entomb us as much as the person that we’ve locked away. We may have chained them up in the darkest part of our hearts & locked them away, but they are still there, rattling their chains & pleading with you to come back & let them free. Meanwhile, you have imprisoned yourself in the same tomb, bound by your anger to an action you know was wrong. So, you venture down to the darkness & peer through the small window, watching them suffer, punishing yourself. They know you’re watching them suffer, feeling the sadness of knowing you’re taking great delight in their pain, unknowing that its guilt you’re feeling. Guilt for acting rash, vengeful & leaving you to languish.

For years, literary experts have believed that the narrator was actually insane & invented a reason to hurt his victim, because the slight was actually in his mind. I’ve always felt that Poe is trying to teach us that revenge is never a good idea. While yes, the narrator got away with it, it weighed on him for decades, eating away at his soul until he became a broken man.

Truthfully, most “slights” that prompt us to lash out in anger exist only in our own mind. We overreacted, we blew a minor slight out of proportion. Yes, people do dumb things, but chances are it wasn’t as bad as you made it out to be. We are our own worst enemies.

This is why reactions made in anger are never good; they hurt you more than you hurt them. You’re haunted by it, taunted by it & will never truly escape the guilt. Your victim lives in your heart imprisoned in the place you dare not go. By holding on to the anger, the revenge, you’ve held onto that person & the line between love & hate is so fine, that most experts will tell you that if you badmouth a former flame vehemently, you’re trying to mask your love for them. Why not set them (& yourself) free? Take them out of the prison of your heart & let them roam free in it. Let the only thing you keep chained in the basement be your desire for revenge.

Karma

January 27, 2013January 27, 2013 by maryhelenc, posted in Dorkdom, My New Life As Me, Quotable Quotes and Potpourri, Relationships, Seriously WTF?, When Things Suck Hard

“All men make mistakes, but a good man yields when he knows his course is wrong, and repairs the evil. The only crime is pride.”

I HATE when people point out when I’ve screwed up.

Of course, it happens so often, I’m almost used to it. I trust the wrong people (everybody), I take the wrong advice, I don’t trust my gut & I always believe in the goodness in everyone, even when they proved they don’t have any. I confide in people who prove that they are completely untrustworthy & believe them when they lie. Add in my own klutziness, big mouth & procrastination & I screw up…a lot. Sometimes I fall off of my own shoes, so there’s that.

When you tell me, I’ll cry. I can’t help it. Under my general screw upery is an overwhelming perfectionism. This is probably why I’m so anal retentive.

Of course, we know when we’ve screwed up. We’ll look at the mess we made of things & we’ll want to make it right, but no one wants their face rubbed in it like a dog, especially by the person we’ve wronged. We think we’re helping by reaching out, but we’re actually adding to the guilt. They hurt us in a manner most cruel & we are still showing compassion? So, we puff out our chest, hold onto our pride & act all cool, when in reality, we’re probably hurting & likely have added to the guilt by using our pride as a shield.

But like my father said, the bravest act of a coward is to repair his destruction, face what he has done & put it right. It’s a hard step, as it requires the admission that they were wrong, and forgiveness from themselves. After all, everyone else has likely forgiven them for their mess, but how do you forgive yourself for the hurt? I know when I’ve hurt another person, I will go to any lengths to apologize, but I won’t forgive myself. I’ll hold onto that guilt for months, wanting to make it okay. So, I hold onto my pride in the hopes that by acting indignant when I’m called on crap, I can feel better. Normally, I just feel lower because I blew another chance to do the thing I wanted to do, repair the relationship with the friend/partner/family member, but it wasn’t on my time or in my way.

So, while pride can be a good thing, it can also prevent you from being who you want to be. Don’t be afraid to swallow it sometimes, even if it wasn’t “your” way & take your lumps & yes, even feel guilty. Eventually those feelings will fade & you’ll be happy again, knowing you did what was best for everyone. After all, why watch the life you want like Scrooge talking to the spirit of life’s present? Wouldn’t you rather be there? There’s nothing wrong with pride in one’s self & work, but don’t let it keep you from being happy.

“We are rarely proud when we are alone.”

Never Say Never

December 19, 2012May 30, 2013 by maryhelenc, posted in ASH General, Current Events, Douchers, Mommydom, Political Fluff, Relationships, Seriously WTF?, support Windsor!, When Things Suck Hard

I would love to write something beautiful about the Newtown, CT massacre that left 26 innocent souls dead, but I could never in a million years adequately express my condolences or say anything that could honestly provide solace.

Instead, I’m going to answer a question posed online:

“Do your children know about the tragedy?”

The answer kids, is YES.

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