Category: Seriously WTF?

The 2013 30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 28

by maryhelenc, posted in ASH Blog Projects, Dear Blank, Douchers, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Quotable Quotes and Potpourri, Relationships, Seriously WTF?, When Things Suck Hard

Day 28: What is your love language?

***Dear readers, I apologize if this is more personal than the general crap that I produce that I pretend people enjoy. I promise to bring my vapidly endearing brand of self-depreciating wit back tomorrow.***

My love language?

I don’t.

My former husband calls me a lot of things; frigid, cold, and a bunch of insults I won’t publish here. I guess in a way, he is right.

I love my daughters, I love my friends. But I don’t love men. Well, not in the conventional sense. I base my relationships on logic. I choose mates based on what makes sense for me, my daughters, does it work on paper, with one exception. My love life mainly consists of first dates that I leave early or never call. The last guy who made it to date two told me that he thought he wanted to get to know me better; I told him I wanted to go home. They didn’t meet my ridiculously long list of criteria that makes the ideal mate. I loved my husband as a companion, as a friend. He offered security in a time when I had none and I became dependent on him for the air I breathed. I took most of his rage because I thought I deserved it because I couldn’t give him the validation he wanted because it just wasn’t there. So, I would be nicer, try to be that perfect wife, but I couldn’t do it. When the marriage was over, I didn’t cry. I missed our friendship, but I didn’t miss being his wife. Matrimony was never high on my list of priorities anyway. It never has been I got married because it’s what you did; you date, you get married. I’ve only wanted that once, for about a month, and then I got really scared that I was going to ruin it and wanted to stay in one place for awhile. I’m scared of the big steps and like to stay where I am. I’ll get excited about the idea of moving forward for a little while, but then I’ll wanna stay in the happy moment, right there and just “be”, because I struggle with the idea of someone getting too close to me, wanting to get inside of my head. It scares me. Even my closest friends don’t know much about me. I claim I’m an open book, but I’m not. I am about my current life, and some of my younger years, but that’s it. I put up walls to keep people out, because I have a heightened fear of abandonment and I’m afraid if people got to know the side of me that is much darker and sadder than the socially awkward, happy go lucky dork, they won’t love me anymore. Anytime someone gets close to me, I get scared that they won’t want me anymore and end up sabotaging the whole thing. I don’t mean to…I just get…scared that if I’m not super woman and just a normal human girl, then I’m not going to be “good enough.” So I go overboard trying to be the best possible MHC so they won’t want to understand why I’ll get so scared over the tiniest thing or sometimes want to stop and be reassured that you won’t go anywhere.

Truthfully, I’ve only truly loved one man. I was attracted to him from our second meeting, so much so, that I had to keep a certain distance (as I was you know, married). He was the exception, he didn’t meet my criteria, was the opposite of everything I had ever looked for. I loved every good, bad and even cruel thing about him. Even when he tore my heart out, I loved him & blamed myself, because he wouldn’t have done it had I not deserved it. I thought he loved me, truly loved me, even though I’m a scatterbrained, sort of crazy nitwit who cries a lot. He even saw that part of me I don’t show people and he still seemed to love me. Because I thought he loved me, I would have given him anything and bent over backwards for him, maybe too much, because he was just so good in my eyes, & I wanted to make him happy. I guess I wanted so badly to make him happy so he would never have to fear getting hurt. If I got hurt, I didn’t care, as long as he knew I couldn’t hurt him ever. I believed every word he said, especially his promise to always come back for me, because even if we got the start wrong, we’d get the ending right. When he was gone (& I realized he wasn’t going to keep that promise), I felt like someone had hacked off a limb, it was like a part of me was gone & I broke down. Me, the girl who didn’t cry when her marriage fell apart, who didn’t cry at the absolute worst moment of her life, just stood there back straight, refusing to give anyone the satisfaction of showing pain, cried like a lost child who didn’t know where to turn. Sometimes I think I’ll always be lost. Never is such a short word but such a long time to live without someone. Ironically, always is a longer word & even longer time, when the one you’ll love always is also your never.

I write about the idea of love, because it fascinates me. The idea of one person who doesn’t share your DNA that you want to spend your life with, are miserable without them and better with them? It sounds so easy but it’s actually so hard. I watch people in love and wonder why it’s not easier. If you love someone, you would do anything to be with them. But no, we let our own baggage, insecurities, hangups, get in the way. We won’t swallow our pride when we fight and admit we were wrong. We don’t tell people when we’re scared.Sometimes we don’t even like that person, but we can’t live without them? People always tell me that you work to make love work, but I’ve never seen anyone do it, myself included. We just walk away when it gets a little hard, then we pretend it’s not eating away at us, but it is. I look at my foster parents, who are still in love after so many years and wonder how we can do that in a disposible world. I could, for the right person, but both people would have to want to and generally that’s not the case, even amongst most of my friends who are married. One is trying while the other isn’t.

“We have to allow ourselves to be loved by the people who really love us, the people who really matter. Too much of the time, we are blinded by our own pursuits of people to love us, people that don’t even matter, while all that time we waste and the people who do love us have to stand on the sidewalk and watch us beg in the streets! It’s time to put an end to this. It’s time for us to let ourselves be loved.”

The 2013 30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 20 & 21

by maryhelenc, posted in ASH Blog Projects, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Seriously WTF?, When Things Suck Hard

Day 20: Describe Three significant moments from your childhood

1. The death of my father. It’s hard enough to lose a parent, especially when you’re little. Daddies are supposed to be invincible. They’re supposed to be able to do everything and they don’t get sick, let alone get cancer and die. I remember my mom telling me that Daddy went to Heaven when I was five and I cried and laid in bed for days. It was brutal. As I got older, I felt the void more, because I knew he wouldn’t walk me down the aisle when I got married, he wouldn’t meet my daughters, etc. Maybe I would have grown up into a better person.

2. Foster home. Nothing like that stigma of being some sort of screwed up kid! Going into foster care was scary and embarrassing and all of a sudden I felt sort of different. I was like a girl without a family, and all I ever wanted was a family…well, a normal one. I was scared and I both wanted and didn’t want to go home. Those are a lot of emotions for a 12 year old girl to process. But I made it through.

3. Moving in w/ my “parents.” Moving in with the foster parents I eventually looked at as my family was the best day of my childhood. I finally had a real family, with two parents and no worries about where the next meal was coming from and parents who helped with homework and vacations and hugs, lots of hugs. This is the family I based my future family around and for the first time in my life I was confident and happy and I felt like a regular teenage girl. My problems were grades and lame boys and fights about shirts. It was the most wonderful part of my childhood, the seven years I spent there.

Day 21: If you could have a superpower, what would it be?

I already have one. I live my life and I haven’t developed a drinking problem yet. I’d say that’s pretty super hahaha.

The 2013 Day Blog Challenge: Day 18

by maryhelenc, posted in ASH Blog Projects, Douchers, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Relationships, Seriously WTF?

Day 18: The Most Difficult Thing I’ve Ever Had to Forgive.

There is one person, but that subject will not be discussed here or anywhere else for that matter. It’s off limits.

I generally forgive everyone though. I don’t stay angry; it’s a waste of my time. I prefer to forgive and move forward with my life. Holding onto anger is liking drinking poison and hoping the other person will die. It’s pointless. Why waste time being angry @ someone? Chances are they feel like a bag of crap for hurting you anyway, so why make them feel worse about the whole thing?

I don’t forgive people for their sake; I do it for mine. I don’t want to hold onto things that make me angry as I would rather hold onto things that make me happy. I need to set an example for my daughters by showing them that while it’s okay to be mad, it’s not okay to STAY mad, especially because of something long forgotten.

Grudges suck & I’d rather not hold onto them. It’s a waste of my time, which I don’t have a lot of to begin with. I have a full life; school, my daughters, my various jobs all keep me very busy. I simply don’t have time to be angry about something someone did years ago or thinking about someone or something that isn’t worth it to me. Not to mention how damaging holding onto anger is to one’s health. I would rather avoid the migraines, weakened immune system (mine is already weak enough) and weakened liver that comes from holding onto anger. Not to mention holding onto anger causes you to say things you don’t mean, hurt the people you care about and prevent you from having successful interpersonal relationships down the line. You can’t be a friend to someone if you abandon people the first time they annoy you for your newer, better friends. You can’t be in a successful relationship if you’re still thinking about your former lover and how they hurt you, made you mad, are creeping them on FB, etc. You need to let those things go.

This is why I forgive everyone everything. I won’t forget and I’ll handle the residual scars as they come, but I’ll make sure I tell you about why I’m worried, hurting, etc. I’m not going to bottle it in and risk damaging my health, psyche and other interpersonal relationships over it. I would rather be happy and enjoy the world around me.

Heart Attack

by maryhelenc, posted in Celebrity Fluff, Current Events, Douchers, Seriously WTF?

Jennifer Lawrence is pretty much the cutest thing ever.

At 22, she has starred in two major franchises, one of which is expected to break the box office bank this year, has been nominated for two Academy Awards and took home her first last night for the critically acclaimed Silver Linings Playbook. Despite the fame and hype, she remains delightfully dorky, with witty comments like “I beat Meryl” and poses with her Oscar shooting the finger. Lawrence doesn’t take herself too seriously, which is good for the rest of us socially awkward weirdos.

Everyone was talking about Lawrence, but not because of her big win, but because while rushing to accept the highest honour of her field, she tripped over her huge Dior gown and fell flat on her face (something I would totally do). Yes, the top story was not about this young woman’s big moment, or even Daniel Day Lewis’s record breaking third trophy, it was that a girl fell down.

Photo credit: Just Jared
Photo credit: Just Jared

What shocked me during the show was that while the rest of the seasoned and polished actors sat stoically in their seats and tittled at Lawrence’s awkward fall, only Playbook co-star Bradley Cooper and Hugh Jackman rushed to the young woman’s aid, the former remaining on the steps until she reached the stage safely. Many bloggers and entertainment journalists were quick to downplay the actions of these two gentlemen, claiming that “it’s just what normal folks do” and “not a big deal.”

Well, the right thing to do IS a big deal.

It doesn’t matter if it’s a friend or a total stranger (Jackman and Lawrence had never met prior to this moment), being genuinely kind to another human being is a big deal. We so often downplay the acts of kindness that people bestow on us while holding on to the mean things and making them a big deal. Perhaps we should do it in reverse. There’s something to be said for chivalry, which seems lost on so many men (and women) these days and there’s something to be said for two Hollywood hunks jumping from their seats and running in their tuxedos to help a young woman to her feet. Yes, it was “the right thing to do” but they didn’t have to do it. There was security, any number of other actors, Lawrence managed to make it to her feet on her own, but they still instinctively thought to help her. Cooper remaining on the stairs while Jackman led the auditorium in a standing ovation was also sweet; they attempted to turn the moment around for her, and in a small way, they did as Lawrence thanked everyone for the applause in her quirky way.

Perhaps if we focused more on praising people for acts of kindness instead of blowing up misfortunes and who did what to wrong who on what day, we could all be a little bit happier. We all complain about the lack of human compassion in the world, but then we downplay acts of kindness as “No big deal” and “Why are we talking about it?” Meanwhile, an inappropriate joke made by the Onion will generate rage and attention long after the apology was issued. Perhaps we should take more time to talk up the things people do that are great, as in the long run, those acts of genuine kindness should hold more weight than the times we screwed up. I’m pretty sure Jennifer Lawrence would rather people talk about how nice these men were than continuously asking her how it felt to fall down.

Or maybe everyone was just jealous that she gets Bradley Cooper and Hugh Jackman helping her up while when we fall down, we just fall down.

The 2013 30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 11

by maryhelenc, posted in ASH Blog Projects, Dorkdom, Douchers, Mommydom, MusicIsLifeIsMusicIsLife, My New Life As Me, Seriously WTF?

Day 11: List 10 Pet Peeves You Have

1. The things geese do. Like honk, fly, look @ me, walk near me, continue to breed. You know, the norm.

2. Big Mouths. I have a big mouth…sort of. It’s true that I tell my closest friends almost everything, but they do the same for me. We all tell our closest people everything in the hopes that we get advice. But those who disrespect that confidence and will blab to everyone about everything and make everyone uncomfortable really irritate me.

3. Loud Chewers. Ew. Nuff said.

4. Dishonesty. I hate when people lie. It’s just so ooky and it hurts people! Why do something that’s going to hurt someone else? It’s just plain cruel.

5. Negativity. I abhor negativity. I get self defeating sometimes, but there’s always something to be super happy about pretty much all of the time. Why focus on the thing you do not have when you have lots of other cool stuff? Why be mad all of the time when there is a super awesome world waiting for you?!

6. Pretentiousness. Yes, your taste in music is better than mine, your blog is better than mine, you drink red wine and I only like white wine so my pallet totally sucks. You ONLY eat at certain restaurants and I like chicken wings. I totally get how you just know everything and it’s so superior and your house in a better part of town and brand name pants makes you my better. *eye roll*

7. People That Hate the Lion King. How the freaking eff do you hate the Lion King?!

8. Gratiuities Included in the Bill. A tip is a reward for good service, not an expectation. It just irks me.

9. Sanctimommies. I don’t care if you breastfed your child until they started JK and only feed them organic food and helicopter parent and put them in every lesson and teach them dutch in your spare time while playing the harp and knitting all of their sweaters and sewing their socks; not every mom can do that. Some moms feed their kids Hamburger Helper and used formula. They’re not evil. Moms should be building each other up, not tearing them down.

10. Russell Crowe. He butchered Stars and I will never forgive him.

The 2013 30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 6

by maryhelenc, posted in ASH Blog Projects, My New Life As Me, Relationships, Seriously WTF?, When Things Suck Hard

Day 6: Name the hardest thing you’ve ever had to do.

I’m not one to go on about really personal things on my blog. I prefer high level personal anecdotes. If you only read my blog & did not know me, you likely wouldn’t know intimate details about me & that’s how I like to keep it.

The hardest thing I’ve ever done is something only two people know (besides myself). It relates to a health issue that I dealt with back in August that left me quite ill & some days, just making my daughters breakfast left me so exhausted that I needed to rest. I was very emotional because I had never had to deal with something that serious on my own, with no partner to help me with the kids, or reassure me that I would be okay, which would have been nice as for three weeks I was a human pincushion while medical personnel didn’t know what was wrong & while I was physically recovered by the end of September, it took its toll on me emotionally.

It was rough, but fortunately I had two close friends to help me through. I’m grateful it’s behind me & I truly hope I’m never in a situation like that again.

The 2013 30 Day Blog Challenge: Day Four

by maryhelenc, posted in ASH Blog Projects, Dorkdom, Douchers, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, MusicIsLifeIsMusicIsLife, My New Life As Me, Relationships, Seriously WTF?

Day Four: 10 Things you would tell your 16 year old self.

1. True girlfriends are hard to come by & you’ll likely never have more than two at a time. Some “girlfriends” will do all of those things you see in teen dramas. This never changes, even as adults. Hold on to the true girlfriends & mad love for your guy friends & your gay friends.

2. There’s no shame in being nice, even to people who hurt you. Always treat people the way you want to be treated.

3. There’s someone out there for you. When I find them, I’ll let you know.

4. Don’t keep trying to be perfect. You’ll never be perfect. Just be you.

5. You’re gonna interview Amanda Marshall. It’s awesome.

6. You’ll always be the good girl. You’ll always love & get your heart broken. You’ll never just put out without love. You’ll never be selfish. That’s okay. Don’t let anyone tell you there’s anything wrong with being the good girl. You’ll be the role model for your daughters.

7. Good music fixes everything.

8. Don’t stress when you put on weight. You’re still pretty & you were too thin anyway.

9. Geese will never stop being scary.

10. Life never gets easier. It’ll always hurt. People will leave. They’ll crush you. Sometimes you’ll wonder what’s the freaking point. The point is that you’re amazing & the people who truly matter will know. You’ll become a mom (& a good one), a writer & you’ll be alright. You’ll do amazing things. Just get through the crap by loving the good.

Radioactive

by maryhelenc, posted in Dorkdom, Quotable Quotes and Potpourri, Relationships, Seriously WTF?

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Word.

I’ve mentioned this quote in two other posts (HERE & HERE) & I love it so much, I’m going to reference it back again today:

“Most of the problems in life are caused by: 1. Acting without thinking & 2. Continuing to think without acting.”

I’m a horrible over-thinker & listen maybe too well…sort of. I couldn’t tell you what I learned in Transcription class this week, but I could tell you every word my friends & loved ones have ever said to me. Then I look @ the words that contradict the words said before & get confused.

But I also act impulsively & do dumb things. We all do & those are the things that end up hurting people that we care about. Then we overreact instead of trying to understand the other person’s POV, we simply react, lash out, cut them completely out of your life, get mad, etc.

So, then what?

You linger in the shadows of their life, lurking in doorways, revisiting what happened. Wishing you could repair that friendship, relationship, whatever. Anything of course, but do something about it.

You’ll listen to the familiar songs, reminiscent of that time, you’ll look at the old photos & laugh @ the memories. You’ll visit the places you used to go, haunt them like a ghost & cling to that last link to that person, but you won’t take that step to say “Hey, I was wrong. I’m sorry.”

It’s funny how humans are genetically designed to recoil from pain, but then will hold onto to the most painful things. We will wrap our guilt around us like a blanket, torture ourselves with it, but make no attempt to be happy. We’d rather hide in the dark. Maybe we all need to step out of the shadows & stop watching & start enjoying. Stop lurking on the fringes, stop dancing around, using every alternative method to hold on & actually do something. Life’s not meant to be spent hiding, asking what if & waiting to make that move, because in the end, it’s just another what if!

“What if I waited too long & I lost everything?”

Bleeding Out

by maryhelenc, posted in Dorkdom, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Quotable Quotes and Potpourri, Relationships, Seriously WTF?

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Ladies & gentlemen, my friends.

I’m sure she’s not the only one that fears death. Me, I’m not that concerned. It’s gonna happen, I can’t stop it & I have bomb ass life insurance to protect my daughters’ interests.

However, I find that more people fear living than they do dying. They let petty things ruin their happiness, they surround themselves with negative people, they don’t take the leaps of faith because “what if”. They hold onto guilt from past infractions & allow it to keep them from becoming the person we need to be. What kind of life is the “safe plan?” Sure, it might seem nice for awhile, until you look at the chances that you didn’t take or the ones that you thought you blew. Then when the reaper comes, all you’re left with is a series of unanswered questions. Not exactly a life well lived.

My friend & I discussed how we all live mundane lives & how that’s humanity. But…why? Why does it have to be mundane? Sure you may have the “mediocre” job or the average home, but those things don’t define you. I can honestly say my life is freaking amazing. Maybe reporter/single mom/law student seems mundane, but I’ve accomplished so many thing I never thought I could do, I have children that amaze me every day & friends who have my back. I’ve been on adventures big & small & I can sleep well knowing I’ve given everything in life all I had. It’s not much, but I know I’ve lived, every day.

We don’t know how many days we get between the DOB & DOD. Do you really want to waste them with anger, resentment, guilt or any of the things that hold us back? I know I don’t. I’m only gonna get one February 7/13 & I intend to use it well. I may not get a February 8/13.

In the end, we only have one life & many of us are wasting it. Let’s stop.

I saw this message from a life coach online, lets practice it:

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Man in the Mirror

by maryhelenc, posted in Dorkdom, Douchers, My New Life As Me, Quotable Quotes and Potpourri, Seriously WTF?, When Things Suck Hard

“THE thousand injuries of Fortunato I had borne as I best could, but when he ventured upon insult, I vowed revenge.”

Everyone who knows me well knows my favourite author in the entire world is Edgar Allen Poe. One Christmas, my ex husband bought me a copy of my “favourite” Poe story (the Raven), only to have my friends tell him in unison that its actually the Cask of Amontillado.

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I won’t spoil it for you, because its awesome, but it’s a story of how a man sets forth an interesting revenge for a perceived insult. The narrator never specifies what the insult was, just that it happened. The story takes some interesting turns from there, including the narrator’s sickness at heart over what he had done.

The truth is, that rash actions made in anger entomb us as much as the person that we’ve locked away. We may have chained them up in the darkest part of our hearts & locked them away, but they are still there, rattling their chains & pleading with you to come back & let them free. Meanwhile, you have imprisoned yourself in the same tomb, bound by your anger to an action you know was wrong. So, you venture down to the darkness & peer through the small window, watching them suffer, punishing yourself. They know you’re watching them suffer, feeling the sadness of knowing you’re taking great delight in their pain, unknowing that its guilt you’re feeling. Guilt for acting rash, vengeful & leaving you to languish.

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For years, literary experts have believed that the narrator was actually insane & invented a reason to hurt his victim, because the slight was actually in his mind. I’ve always felt that Poe is trying to teach us that revenge is never a good idea. While yes, the narrator got away with it, it weighed on him for decades, eating away at his soul until he became a broken man.

Truthfully, most “slights” that prompt us to lash out in anger exist only in our own mind. We overreacted, we blew a minor slight out of proportion. Yes, people do dumb things, but chances are it wasn’t as bad as you made it out to be. We are our own worst enemies.

This is why reactions made in anger are never good; they hurt you more than you hurt them. You’re haunted by it, taunted by it & will never truly escape the guilt. Your victim lives in your heart imprisoned in the place you dare not go. By holding on to the anger, the revenge, you’ve held onto that person & the line between love & hate is so fine, that most experts will tell you that if you badmouth a former flame vehemently, you’re trying to mask your love for them. Why not set them (& yourself) free? Take them out of the prison of your heart & let them roam free in it. Let the only thing you keep chained in the basement be your desire for revenge.