As my divorce slowly moves from “almost final” to “finalized” (which will be a gloriously happy day), the more I’m slowly understanding just how single a parent I really am.
Category: Mommydom
Hurricane
For every action, there is an equally as powerful reaction.
This is what I tell my five year old daughter when she has yet another tempertantrum (after I’ve foiled her plans for world domination). This is very true.
Dying To Live Again
I think I’ve discovered the key to getting through life:
Admitting that you have no idea what you are doing.
I know a great many things about a great many subjects, but when it comes to life, parenting or love, I have no idea what I am doing.
Sometimes I think I know. Sometimes I am more confident than I am about my own name about the outcome of the latest mess my own stupidity has gotten me into but in the end, I am generally learning lessons by fire and hoping that I get it right in the end. Lately, I have realized that my stupidity tends to cost me some of the best things in my life. I make mistakes and generally ruin everything good that comes into my life and I’m left trying to figure out how to fix it so I don’t mess it all up again. I guess that’s why I know that I never know what I’m doing.
I saw this on Twitter today and I can’t help but think it rings true for all of us:
“Most of the problems in life are caused by two reasons. 1. We act without thinking. 2. We keep thinking without acting.”
I am a notorious over thinker. 85% of my “issues” are imagined and the other 15% are overanalyzed. I know many people who do this, invent problems in their mind and over think them and then commit a rash action. Then, they are left with the consequences of said action and instead of simply fixing it, they think about how to fix it. They take back doors to fix it or they leave it unfixed and end up miserable.
Which is why I have decided that the key to life is the admission that we never really know what we’re doing. There’s no instruction booklet or helpful allen key. We’re simply bound by the choices we make or do not make and in the end, we can benefit or cost ourselves everything. If I had any clue as to what I was doing when it came to life, I would be a much happier MHC. Why? Because I would know how to say the right words, find the right openings and generally make things happen. I can do this in my professional life like you wouldn’t believe. I use my journalist magic and poof! Interviews happen and I’m the proudest little editor in chief in the world! But when it comes to making the right parenting choices every time, understanding my friends or loved ones or saying the right thing to ease the minds of those around me who are scared or confused and I will mess it all up like you wouldn’t believe!
But that’s what we do in life; we mess it all up. We hurt the people we love most in the world or who love us most because we over-think the problems. We hide instead of take that brave first step to right the wrongs, or worse, we take some back road, third party way so that someone else will do most of the legwork to get in and fix it for us (I hate this method, but have been known to use it if there is simply no other solution).
So, why not just admit none of us have a freaking clue what’s going on in our minds at any given time? We’re all confused little bunnies, known to ruin good things by overanalyzing or inventing problems, that we’re afraid to tell those we love how we feel for fear of causing a problem when chances are the problem comes from inaction and that we would rather analyze the mess to death than simply fix it, or we rely on historical precident to guide our actions when perhaps we need to step out of our comfort box and take a bold, brash, step towards our own happiness?
Perhaps.
But what the crap do I know? I just admitted that I don’t know what I’m doing!
Save You
Everyone has that moment where it all just comes crashing down.
That was me this week.
Everything I loved about my life (except parenting) suddenly fell apart & I’m left trying to understand.
I’m hurting, I’m wounded & I’m lost. I hate that I’m supposed to be the person that nothing affects but this week has really walloped me.
So, I try to remember all the lessons that I taught myself all of these months; that there’s always a shred of hope in the darkness & sometimes that shred of hope is enough to help you endure. When things look bleakest, you may be closest to your victory. That broken hearts mend & eventually things will be okay.
I know these things, but right now, I just want to feel okay.
Mama
Happy Mother’s Day!
Part of Me
A year ago today I made the biggest decision of my adult life; I ended my marriage.
I’m not a “look back” sort of person; I’m not going that way. However, I couldn’t help but look at where I am right now as opposed to then.
He said I was worthless & wouldn’t last 10 minutes. I’ve been on my own for a year. Maybe I didn’t make the best choices every time or carry myself in the best way but every choice I made was mine and mine alone, with no fear of being called names or spat on.
I have an amazing group of friends who supported me & weren’t afraid to call me out when I was doing something dumb. I wouldn’t be the person I am without them, especially Drew. He was my cheerleader, therapist, companion & sounding board. He helped me see I was okay on my own & because of that I’m a better person for it. I can’t ever tell him enough how much I appreciate him. I found someone who wants me & my daughters because of who we are, not because of what we can give them.
A year ago, I wondered who I would be when I wasn’t a wife. Now I know; I’m Mary-Helen. I’m a mom. I’m a friend. I’m a girlfriend. I’m a writer. I’m a klutz. I sing too loudly with the radio & tell unfunny jokes. I apologize too much & I suck at math. I’m not perfect, I screw up, I irritate people but I’m well meaning & in the end, that’s what matters. That’s me & I think that’s pretty okay.
Marry You
Weddings. Ugh.
One of my best friends celebrated her one year anniversary this week. I visited her the day after their anniversary and she said to me, “It’s been a year, but I love that broad more than the day I married her.” I had to crack up at the sentiment.
The same day, my middle daughter looked at me @ the dinner table and asked “Mommy, will you and your boyfriend get married? Because I think you should.” I choked on my food.
This all comes on the heels of my friend Nikki (from MisterMamaSir) showing my beau the wedding invitations that she decided would be perfect for our wedding. (They are nice, check them out HERE) He seemed interested; I may have thrown up.
I’ve made no secret that I really don’t want to remarry (despite my beau saying that he thinks he could change my mind if he suddenly wanted to) but my happily married friend this week actually asked me WHY. My therapist asked the same question and I couldn’t actually provide an answer. I really didn’t know “why”, just that it seemed like a really horrible idea.
I’ve been married and I’m finalizing my divorce. I’ve always said I can’t say never, because the person who says never usually does it. However, the whole idea scares me. I can gladly picture my entire life with one person. I see no problem with the idea of spending my life with one person. I’ve talked about spending my life with one person and nobody needed to breathe into a bag. But mention marriage and I turn pale and hyperventilate.
I guess there should be a reason, right? It’s not just the idea of the legalities that closes off this idea to me. But the fact that I’m totally cool with someone telling me they want to spend the rest of their life with the girls and me is perfectly okay, just not the idea of the wedding and the insanity and the in laws and the fighting and stress of planning with no guarentees that it’s going to work out…of course there’s no guarentees that any relationship will work out.
I hate when I have to tell Drew he is right, but he is; I need to address my fear of matrimony…and my fear of geese. I’m not saying I want to get married now (or ever), but I think I do have to be more open to changing my mind about the subject (I’m not open to the idea of embracing geese though, those things are just evil). Much like other things within a relationship, when one firmly says “No dice” on something with no option of compromise, whether it’s something as small as dinner reservations to as large as kids and family, you’re closing off the ability to grow as a couple, or so the therapist keeps telling me. So, being more open to options and your partner’s wishes gives you the option to be more successful in your relationship. Things change all of the time and you need to be willing to change with it. If you really love someone and want to be with them, you have to evolve with them. If one of you continues to grow while the other remains static; the relationship fails.
So, while I currently have no desire to walk down another aisle or hug a goose, I have to be open to the idea that it may be something that I want someday. Who knows? Maybe I won’t and my partner won’t and we’ll be like Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell and live in sin until we die, because that’s how we both want it, not because one is unwilling to consider any other option.
No More Secrets
Last week, my mother surprised me with an odd confession.
During a conversation about the summer & relatives & the like, she informed me that she had not told our extended family that I was finalizing my divorce out of concern of what my strict Roman Catholic family would think.
I Won’t Give Up
You know that feeling when everything is awesome & your world seems perfect & then something happens that makes it suck?
Yeah, that.
30 Days of Truth Day 28
Day 28 : What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Oh. Em. Gee.
I would panic & bawl.
Poor Drew would be breaking the news to my beau, as I’d be panicking.
I do not want any more children. My three plus his one is plenty, thank you very much.
If it were to happen, after the crying & hysteria, I would raise him/her. I am pro-life & do not believe in abortion (unless medically necessary). Obviously, I wouldn’t force his/her father to stay & help me, but I would hope any man I end up with would want to be a father. I’ve had enough experience with fathers who only want to see their kids when it benefits them for one lifetime.
Fortunately, I take every precaution to ensure that I won’t get pregnant again. I love my girls, and I love being a mom, but I’m happy with what I have.
The Misadventures of MHC 