Look what came in the mail this week.
Category: Douchers
Nothing Left To Say
I hear people say this a lot and I don’t think it’s a statement about society now more than it is about us as a people, in which we genuinely expect people to hurt us.
We live with this ideal of “stranger danger” where people we don’t know are going to hurt us or insult us because of the way we wear our hair, or our clothes, etc. (Drew & I were guilty of this, as we brutally lambasted the frontman of the Neon Trees for this right before he performed Everybody Talks). But we all think of strangers as jerks, people who suck and are mean and are just looking to screw us over. That’s why when a friend or a loved one hurts us, we end up crippled, because we honestly expected them not to.
We trust the people we care about, sometimes blindly. We love and adore them and think they can’t hurt us ever. They will never say a snotty thing, never do something we don’t want them to, never act like a douchebag. We put them up on such a pedestal and think they are perfect and angelic and so freaking wonderful. Then, the reality sets in and they are in fact sometimes a huge, raving jerk. Then they do something stupid and we’re crippled because we just don’t understand how this person we saw so much good in could hurt us so freaking much.
We need to abandon the idea that the people we love won’t hurt us, because they will. People hurt each other, intentional or not, but it happens. The one attribute that I am most proud of is that I am completely incapable of intentionally hurting someone I love. I can’t. I don’t know how to do it and the thought of it makes me so upset to the point that I end up puking. However, that doesn’t mean I can’t hurt you, it just means I can’t do it on purpose (It’s not all selfless, for some people, my inability to get pissy and throw shade their way has more to do with the idea that they could get pissy right back and hurt me. But for about seven people in this life, it’s simply that I can’t). I’m sure I’ll lose my temper and shove my foot in my mouth, do something stupid, act super whiny or annoy the piss out of you. It’s just that I can’t do it on purpose. I know many people who are perfectly capable of destroying someone they love, tearing them to pieces until there is nothing left of them, some of those people are my closest friends. It doesn’t mean that one of us is “better” than the other, it just means that I don’t have that mean streak. Some people have a different brand of morality than others and that’s okay.
I think we need to stop holding the people we love to unrealistic expectations. You can love someone and sometimes hurt them. Just because they can’t retaliate doesn’t make them weak or you an asshole, it simple means you’re wired differently. You need to accept that & work on curbing that dark side of you. Just because someone is nice doesn’t mean that they can’t be a raving bitch some days. Just because you are capable of hurting someone who trusts you doesn’t mean that you will always hurt them, it just means you have to be more mindful of how you treat them. Maybe people need to stop promising each other that they won’t hurt them, but that you’ll try hard not to, and if you do, you’ll be really sorry and talk it out together.
You Make It Real
“Is it possible that all the horrible things you’ve done have been forgotten by everyone-except yourself?”
Have you ever done something so super horrible that you can’t forgive yourself?
Sure you have. We all have.
Guilt is a funny sort of thing. I have all kinds of guilt. I feel guilty when I’m working because I’m not spending enough time with the kids. I feel guilty for just wanting 20 minutes in the bathtub by myself. I feel guilty for things that aren’t necessarily my control. It sucks, but that’s how life sort of works. We’re always going to feel some kind if guilt.
However, we can’t feel guilt if we don’t care. I love my girls beyond reason so that’s why I feel guilt when I can’t give them what they want. You cannot feel guilty for an action towards someone you do not care about, so when you feel guilty about something, you need to look @ why.
Most of us don’t let the guilt go. We hold onto it, envelop ourselves in it & pretend we’re cool, when we’re actually struggling. We’ll pretend we’re doing the right thing when in reality, all we’re doing is hurting everyone much deeper because we want to punish ourselves for what we feel we have done.
My daughters don’t punish or shame me because I sometimes have to work. We just make the next day better. But humans have this mad desire to make things equal, when no relationship is ever equal. Parent-child isn’t equal, sibling is not equal, and even lover-partner is never truly equal. One will always care more than the other. One will always be more capable of hurting the other. One will always feel like the other is “better”. But the thing is that we should use that feeling to drive us to be better people, the person they see in us, so we don’t have to feel guilty anymore.
Hiding from guilt doesn’t make it disappear. Pretending it isn’t there only means you’ll feel it later. The only way to truly be free of guilt is to face it, atone for it & do your best to make it right. I can’t always make it up to the girls when I have to work, but I can do my best to make the next day better, because what they need is time with me & they’re happy. Chances are, the solution is simple & the guilt will be gone, because you’ve finally done what will make everyone happy, & you’ll be happy because you don’t have to live with that feeling of regret & remorse anymore.
The 2013 30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 28
Day 28: What is your love language?
***Dear readers, I apologize if this is more personal than the general crap that I produce that I pretend people enjoy. I promise to bring my vapidly endearing brand of self-depreciating wit back tomorrow.***
My love language?
I don’t.
My former husband calls me a lot of things; frigid, cold, and a bunch of insults I won’t publish here. I guess in a way, he is right.
I love my daughters, I love my friends. But I don’t love men. Well, not in the conventional sense. I base my relationships on logic. I choose mates based on what makes sense for me, my daughters, does it work on paper, with one exception. My love life mainly consists of first dates that I leave early or never call. The last guy who made it to date two told me that he thought he wanted to get to know me better; I told him I wanted to go home. They didn’t meet my ridiculously long list of criteria that makes the ideal mate. I loved my husband as a companion, as a friend. He offered security in a time when I had none and I became dependent on him for the air I breathed. I took most of his rage because I thought I deserved it because I couldn’t give him the validation he wanted because it just wasn’t there. So, I would be nicer, try to be that perfect wife, but I couldn’t do it. When the marriage was over, I didn’t cry. I missed our friendship, but I didn’t miss being his wife. Matrimony was never high on my list of priorities anyway. It never has been I got married because it’s what you did; you date, you get married. I’ve only wanted that once, for about a month, and then I got really scared that I was going to ruin it and wanted to stay in one place for awhile. I’m scared of the big steps and like to stay where I am. I’ll get excited about the idea of moving forward for a little while, but then I’ll wanna stay in the happy moment, right there and just “be”, because I struggle with the idea of someone getting too close to me, wanting to get inside of my head. It scares me. Even my closest friends don’t know much about me. I claim I’m an open book, but I’m not. I am about my current life, and some of my younger years, but that’s it. I put up walls to keep people out, because I have a heightened fear of abandonment and I’m afraid if people got to know the side of me that is much darker and sadder than the socially awkward, happy go lucky dork, they won’t love me anymore. Anytime someone gets close to me, I get scared that they won’t want me anymore and end up sabotaging the whole thing. I don’t mean to…I just get…scared that if I’m not super woman and just a normal human girl, then I’m not going to be “good enough.” So I go overboard trying to be the best possible MHC so they won’t want to understand why I’ll get so scared over the tiniest thing or sometimes want to stop and be reassured that you won’t go anywhere.
Truthfully, I’ve only truly loved one man. I was attracted to him from our second meeting, so much so, that I had to keep a certain distance (as I was you know, married). He was the exception, he didn’t meet my criteria, was the opposite of everything I had ever looked for. I loved every good, bad and even cruel thing about him. Even when he tore my heart out, I loved him & blamed myself, because he wouldn’t have done it had I not deserved it. I thought he loved me, truly loved me, even though I’m a scatterbrained, sort of crazy nitwit who cries a lot. He even saw that part of me I don’t show people and he still seemed to love me. Because I thought he loved me, I would have given him anything and bent over backwards for him, maybe too much, because he was just so good in my eyes, & I wanted to make him happy. I guess I wanted so badly to make him happy so he would never have to fear getting hurt. If I got hurt, I didn’t care, as long as he knew I couldn’t hurt him ever. I believed every word he said, especially his promise to always come back for me, because even if we got the start wrong, we’d get the ending right. When he was gone (& I realized he wasn’t going to keep that promise), I felt like someone had hacked off a limb, it was like a part of me was gone & I broke down. Me, the girl who didn’t cry when her marriage fell apart, who didn’t cry at the absolute worst moment of her life, just stood there back straight, refusing to give anyone the satisfaction of showing pain, cried like a lost child who didn’t know where to turn. Sometimes I think I’ll always be lost. Never is such a short word but such a long time to live without someone. Ironically, always is a longer word & even longer time, when the one you’ll love always is also your never.
I write about the idea of love, because it fascinates me. The idea of one person who doesn’t share your DNA that you want to spend your life with, are miserable without them and better with them? It sounds so easy but it’s actually so hard. I watch people in love and wonder why it’s not easier. If you love someone, you would do anything to be with them. But no, we let our own baggage, insecurities, hangups, get in the way. We won’t swallow our pride when we fight and admit we were wrong. We don’t tell people when we’re scared.Sometimes we don’t even like that person, but we can’t live without them? People always tell me that you work to make love work, but I’ve never seen anyone do it, myself included. We just walk away when it gets a little hard, then we pretend it’s not eating away at us, but it is. I look at my foster parents, who are still in love after so many years and wonder how we can do that in a disposible world. I could, for the right person, but both people would have to want to and generally that’s not the case, even amongst most of my friends who are married. One is trying while the other isn’t.
“We have to allow ourselves to be loved by the people who really love us, the people who really matter. Too much of the time, we are blinded by our own pursuits of people to love us, people that don’t even matter, while all that time we waste and the people who do love us have to stand on the sidewalk and watch us beg in the streets! It’s time to put an end to this. It’s time for us to let ourselves be loved.”
The 2013 Day Blog Challenge: Day 18
Day 18: The Most Difficult Thing I’ve Ever Had to Forgive.
There is one person, but that subject will not be discussed here or anywhere else for that matter. It’s off limits.
I generally forgive everyone though. I don’t stay angry; it’s a waste of my time. I prefer to forgive and move forward with my life. Holding onto anger is liking drinking poison and hoping the other person will die. It’s pointless. Why waste time being angry @ someone? Chances are they feel like a bag of crap for hurting you anyway, so why make them feel worse about the whole thing?
I don’t forgive people for their sake; I do it for mine. I don’t want to hold onto things that make me angry as I would rather hold onto things that make me happy. I need to set an example for my daughters by showing them that while it’s okay to be mad, it’s not okay to STAY mad, especially because of something long forgotten.
Grudges suck & I’d rather not hold onto them. It’s a waste of my time, which I don’t have a lot of to begin with. I have a full life; school, my daughters, my various jobs all keep me very busy. I simply don’t have time to be angry about something someone did years ago or thinking about someone or something that isn’t worth it to me. Not to mention how damaging holding onto anger is to one’s health. I would rather avoid the migraines, weakened immune system (mine is already weak enough) and weakened liver that comes from holding onto anger. Not to mention holding onto anger causes you to say things you don’t mean, hurt the people you care about and prevent you from having successful interpersonal relationships down the line. You can’t be a friend to someone if you abandon people the first time they annoy you for your newer, better friends. You can’t be in a successful relationship if you’re still thinking about your former lover and how they hurt you, made you mad, are creeping them on FB, etc. You need to let those things go.
This is why I forgive everyone everything. I won’t forget and I’ll handle the residual scars as they come, but I’ll make sure I tell you about why I’m worried, hurting, etc. I’m not going to bottle it in and risk damaging my health, psyche and other interpersonal relationships over it. I would rather be happy and enjoy the world around me.
Heart Attack
Jennifer Lawrence is pretty much the cutest thing ever.
At 22, she has starred in two major franchises, one of which is expected to break the box office bank this year, has been nominated for two Academy Awards and took home her first last night for the critically acclaimed Silver Linings Playbook. Despite the fame and hype, she remains delightfully dorky, with witty comments like “I beat Meryl” and poses with her Oscar shooting the finger. Lawrence doesn’t take herself too seriously, which is good for the rest of us socially awkward weirdos.
Everyone was talking about Lawrence, but not because of her big win, but because while rushing to accept the highest honour of her field, she tripped over her huge Dior gown and fell flat on her face (something I would totally do). Yes, the top story was not about this young woman’s big moment, or even Daniel Day Lewis’s record breaking third trophy, it was that a girl fell down.
What shocked me during the show was that while the rest of the seasoned and polished actors sat stoically in their seats and tittled at Lawrence’s awkward fall, only Playbook co-star Bradley Cooper and Hugh Jackman rushed to the young woman’s aid, the former remaining on the steps until she reached the stage safely. Many bloggers and entertainment journalists were quick to downplay the actions of these two gentlemen, claiming that “it’s just what normal folks do” and “not a big deal.”
Well, the right thing to do IS a big deal.
It doesn’t matter if it’s a friend or a total stranger (Jackman and Lawrence had never met prior to this moment), being genuinely kind to another human being is a big deal. We so often downplay the acts of kindness that people bestow on us while holding on to the mean things and making them a big deal. Perhaps we should do it in reverse. There’s something to be said for chivalry, which seems lost on so many men (and women) these days and there’s something to be said for two Hollywood hunks jumping from their seats and running in their tuxedos to help a young woman to her feet. Yes, it was “the right thing to do” but they didn’t have to do it. There was security, any number of other actors, Lawrence managed to make it to her feet on her own, but they still instinctively thought to help her. Cooper remaining on the stairs while Jackman led the auditorium in a standing ovation was also sweet; they attempted to turn the moment around for her, and in a small way, they did as Lawrence thanked everyone for the applause in her quirky way.
Perhaps if we focused more on praising people for acts of kindness instead of blowing up misfortunes and who did what to wrong who on what day, we could all be a little bit happier. We all complain about the lack of human compassion in the world, but then we downplay acts of kindness as “No big deal” and “Why are we talking about it?” Meanwhile, an inappropriate joke made by the Onion will generate rage and attention long after the apology was issued. Perhaps we should take more time to talk up the things people do that are great, as in the long run, those acts of genuine kindness should hold more weight than the times we screwed up. I’m pretty sure Jennifer Lawrence would rather people talk about how nice these men were than continuously asking her how it felt to fall down.
Or maybe everyone was just jealous that she gets Bradley Cooper and Hugh Jackman helping her up while when we fall down, we just fall down.
The 2013 30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 11
Day 11: List 10 Pet Peeves You Have
1. The things geese do. Like honk, fly, look @ me, walk near me, continue to breed. You know, the norm.
2. Big Mouths. I have a big mouth…sort of. It’s true that I tell my closest friends almost everything, but they do the same for me. We all tell our closest people everything in the hopes that we get advice. But those who disrespect that confidence and will blab to everyone about everything and make everyone uncomfortable really irritate me.
3. Loud Chewers. Ew. Nuff said.
4. Dishonesty. I hate when people lie. It’s just so ooky and it hurts people! Why do something that’s going to hurt someone else? It’s just plain cruel.
5. Negativity. I abhor negativity. I get self defeating sometimes, but there’s always something to be super happy about pretty much all of the time. Why focus on the thing you do not have when you have lots of other cool stuff? Why be mad all of the time when there is a super awesome world waiting for you?!
6. Pretentiousness. Yes, your taste in music is better than mine, your blog is better than mine, you drink red wine and I only like white wine so my pallet totally sucks. You ONLY eat at certain restaurants and I like chicken wings. I totally get how you just know everything and it’s so superior and your house in a better part of town and brand name pants makes you my better. *eye roll*
7. People That Hate the Lion King. How the freaking eff do you hate the Lion King?!
8. Gratiuities Included in the Bill. A tip is a reward for good service, not an expectation. It just irks me.
9. Sanctimommies. I don’t care if you breastfed your child until they started JK and only feed them organic food and helicopter parent and put them in every lesson and teach them dutch in your spare time while playing the harp and knitting all of their sweaters and sewing their socks; not every mom can do that. Some moms feed their kids Hamburger Helper and used formula. They’re not evil. Moms should be building each other up, not tearing them down.
10. Russell Crowe. He butchered Stars and I will never forgive him.
The 2013 30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 10
Day 10: Your most embrassing moment.
I don’t really get embarrassed. Mostly because I don’t care.
I sing along with my iPod in public, I wear a Pikachu hoodie. I have pillow fights with Drew in Target and regularly fall off of my own heels. I’m a klutz and a dork. Nope, not gonna get embarrassed.
We all do dumb stuff every single day. I do dumb stuff almost every single second of every single day. Doing dumb stuff just makes us human. What matters is how we react to the dumb stuff that we do. If we get embarrassed, we’re showing the world that we are ashamed of our actions, when every action is just something that happened. I prefer to own my actions, reactions, stupid or not. I have done some stupid things in the name of happiness, love and because I got really drunk. However, by owning them and admitting that:
1. I did it and;
2. It may have been the right/wrong/stupidest thing;
I am controlling those actions.
We’ve all done things. Good things. Bad things. Hurtful things. However, the true testament to the character of a person is how we handle those things. Did we hide? Did we run? Did we act ashamed? Or did we pick ourself up, dust ourself off, apologize if needed and carry on. Because honestly, that’s all we can do.
The 2013 30 Day Blog Challenge: Day Four
Day Four: 10 Things you would tell your 16 year old self.
1. True girlfriends are hard to come by & you’ll likely never have more than two at a time. Some “girlfriends” will do all of those things you see in teen dramas. This never changes, even as adults. Hold on to the true girlfriends & mad love for your guy friends & your gay friends.
2. There’s no shame in being nice, even to people who hurt you. Always treat people the way you want to be treated.
3. There’s someone out there for you. When I find them, I’ll let you know.
4. Don’t keep trying to be perfect. You’ll never be perfect. Just be you.
5. You’re gonna interview Amanda Marshall. It’s awesome.
6. You’ll always be the good girl. You’ll always love & get your heart broken. You’ll never just put out without love. You’ll never be selfish. That’s okay. Don’t let anyone tell you there’s anything wrong with being the good girl. You’ll be the role model for your daughters.
7. Good music fixes everything.
8. Don’t stress when you put on weight. You’re still pretty & you were too thin anyway.
9. Geese will never stop being scary.
10. Life never gets easier. It’ll always hurt. People will leave. They’ll crush you. Sometimes you’ll wonder what’s the freaking point. The point is that you’re amazing & the people who truly matter will know. You’ll become a mom (& a good one), a writer & you’ll be alright. You’ll do amazing things. Just get through the crap by loving the good.
The 2013 30 Day Blog Challenge: Day Two
Day Two: Describe three legitimate fears and explain what made them become fear.
Finally! Drew gets the blog post he’s wanted forever…the blog about GEESE.
I suppose there should be three as the instructions say, but really there is only one…GEESE.
Geese are nature’s douchecanoes. They’re evil, soul sucking bastards intent on killing me.
Okay, maybe not, but they’re still really evil. My friend showed me a video of geese and I seriously hid in a corner until it was gone. I scream when I see them in cars. They’re so horrifyingly awful.
I’ve always been afraid of geese. My best friend growing up had this evil brown goose on her farm and if it was in the doorway of the barn, I would wait in the barn until it ran away. So, naturally no one would chase it away, because they’re assholes. However, the defining moment of my geese hatred came when a swarm of them attacked my eldest daughter when she tried to feed them as a toddler. I had to hold her and kick them away while they were snapping @ her and the sheer helplessness that came from them attacking my child and my inability to stop them.
So, geese are evil. Horrifyingly evil and should never be anywhere near me, my children, my yard. For some reason though, they think it’s cool to hang out in all of those places because they suck.
The Misadventures of MHC 