“Is it possible that all the horrible things you’ve done have been forgotten by everyone-except yourself?”
Have you ever done something so super horrible that you can’t forgive yourself?
Sure you have. We all have.
Guilt is a funny sort of thing. I have all kinds of guilt. I feel guilty when I’m working because I’m not spending enough time with the kids. I feel guilty for just wanting 20 minutes in the bathtub by myself. I feel guilty for things that aren’t necessarily my control. It sucks, but that’s how life sort of works. We’re always going to feel some kind if guilt.
However, we can’t feel guilt if we don’t care. I love my girls beyond reason so that’s why I feel guilt when I can’t give them what they want. You cannot feel guilty for an action towards someone you do not care about, so when you feel guilty about something, you need to look @ why.
Most of us don’t let the guilt go. We hold onto it, envelop ourselves in it & pretend we’re cool, when we’re actually struggling. We’ll pretend we’re doing the right thing when in reality, all we’re doing is hurting everyone much deeper because we want to punish ourselves for what we feel we have done.
My daughters don’t punish or shame me because I sometimes have to work. We just make the next day better. But humans have this mad desire to make things equal, when no relationship is ever equal. Parent-child isn’t equal, sibling is not equal, and even lover-partner is never truly equal. One will always care more than the other. One will always be more capable of hurting the other. One will always feel like the other is “better”. But the thing is that we should use that feeling to drive us to be better people, the person they see in us, so we don’t have to feel guilty anymore.
Hiding from guilt doesn’t make it disappear. Pretending it isn’t there only means you’ll feel it later. The only way to truly be free of guilt is to face it, atone for it & do your best to make it right. I can’t always make it up to the girls when I have to work, but I can do my best to make the next day better, because what they need is time with me & they’re happy. Chances are, the solution is simple & the guilt will be gone, because you’ve finally done what will make everyone happy, & you’ll be happy because you don’t have to live with that feeling of regret & remorse anymore.
The Misadventures of MHC 