Category: Crazy Talk

Best Blog Ever

by maryhelenc, posted in Crazy Talk, Douchers, Life, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Seriously WTF?, Social Media

I once wrote a blog post defending my doormat personality.

One of my oldest friends gave me crap. He told me that me continuing to be the big hearted doormat would leave me feeling empty & hollow with no direction. He was right.

Then, a Facebook friend (& the author of Coffee & Curse Words) started sharing all of the things he did to make his life better & honestly, he’s one of the happiest & most honest people I know.

I mentioned in passing that I envied him for being able to take control of his life & live it & he very succinctly reminded me that I could too, if I wanted to. After all, no one is really chained in one place. There are work arounds for everything. All we need to do is take control. He wrote a post about learning to be happy, & he mentioned putting yourself first…something I have NEVER done. All of my life I’ve lived for other people & I was left feeling under appreciated & broken & a simpering whiner, a poor role model for my daughters. I allowed it, because I thought being a doormat showed people I loved them. It might have, but it also showed people that I wasn’t an equal, to the point that people cut ties with me once I started demanding to be equal. People blamed their faults, insecurities & cruelty on me. It’s my fault you’re an asshole because I was insecure. It’s my fault you’re a liar because I might cry. I started to believe it; I was a toxic person, until my oldest friend reminded me that my life was much calmer, much more tranquil without the “friends” & how I seemed much more like my bad ass self. Maybe it wasn’t just me. Maybe they are jerks & I allow people to treat me like crap because I want so much to please people that I justify it to myself & everyone else. But what about MH? What happens to her? I think she’s pretty amazing & deserves a Helluva lot better than she’s been dealt, so she’s through taking crap.

I was going to start living & loving me.

I decided it was time for a change. Over the last few months, I started writing in a cathartic manner, letting out all of the things I held in. I often forget people read my blog, so I was writing for me, to get out all of the emotions I held onto. I’m glad that you could relate, but I was doing it for me.

Then, I thought about what I wanted for me. Yes, me. No more thinking about my friends, family, ex husband, potential love interests. ME. I came to three conclusions (well, four. But one isn’t an option, so I’m focusing on the three that are):

1. I want to work in media. I want to freelance for a new magazine, learn new skills & maybe in a different genre.
2. I don’t want to live in Windsor & haven’t for almost three years. The job market isn’t what I would want, the media opportunities are slim & my child is almost a teenager & is thinking of her future & I don’t think I would want her attending St. Clair College or the University of Windsor (before anyone jumps on me, I did graduate from St. Clair College…twice.)
3. I want my daughters to grow up in a city that is growing, thriving. Something that isn’t bound by industry or union struggles. A place that has growth.

So, when an opportunity arose to leave Windsor with my job & benefits intact, I jumped. I gave my landlord notice. I signed the dotted line & in 89 days, I will be in my new home in a new city.

This is the most selfish thing I’ve ever done & I’m thrilled. My house has been chosen by me, with no one’s approval. I didn’t ask a million people if they thought it was a good idea. I made a choice for my life & ran with it. I’m finally doing what I’ve wanted to do since I filed for divorce & that’s move away from Windsor & build my life & career in a new city with new opportunities. I’m showing my girls that you need to do what’s best for yourself, even if it’s not necessarily popular (which it hasn’t been). My friends don’t necessarily agree, but they are being supportive. I can still be a kind person, but like my friend said a year ago, I don’t need to sacrifice the best parts of me to please people. I need to be selfish & live my life on my terms for me.

So, the next 89 days will boast trick or treating, Christmas, purging a whole bunch of stuff we don’t need, donating, painting a hallway my children drew on & as 2013 comes to a close, the next chapter of my life begins & it’s one I’m excited to start.

Perfect For Me

by maryhelenc, posted in Crazy Talk, My New Life As Me, Seriously WTF?, When Things Suck Hard

I go to therapy.

I’m cool with it. I don’t feel shame. After the tumultuous life I’ve lived, I need guidance on how to love myself. I struggle, but I’m getting there. However, sometimes something that’s said sticks out & I weigh it out @ 3am listening to Ron Pope.

This week’s problem; why I do not cry.

That’s not true; I cry when I’m frustrated & don’t know how to express my point. I cry when my favourite characters die in The Hunger Games. I cry when I fail a test. I cried at the end of Final Fantasy X. I cry in every moment in life, except when I should cry.

When my dad died, I barely cried. I did for a minute, but then I didn’t. When I left my beloved kitten in an alley to go to the homeless shelter, I didn’t cry. When I moved to the foster home, I got mad, but I didn’t cry. When I lost my oldest child, when I was raped, when I walked out of my marriage; I did not shed a single tear. I stood there, rigid, back straight & rationalized it all away. I cried tears of frustration and anger, but I never mourned for the marriage. I just rationalized all of it away like I have since I was a small child. Cancer kills people. Mommy has no money & bad things happen here. I’m a 21 year old girl who has no idea how to raise a child and lives with her rapist. These actions have consequences & I wouldn’t give anyone the satisfaction of crying. So I didn’t. I stood tall & held it in & was labelled strong. Good for me.

Then one day, after I was dealt a loss & my heart was broken, I went by the river, the place I always go & I cried. I bawled. I cried until I threw up. I cried until I couldn’t even cry tears anymore. I cried until I literally could not cry anymore…& for months, I kept on crying.

Was this the most traumatic thing I ever lived through? Nope, not even close. Was I crying decades of tears that I never shed? Was I like the chipped windshield that finally cracked from the pebble? When my best friend & I had a falling out, I didn’t shed a single tear. I embraced my anger, oh I HATED him. I rationalized it made sense; he was dishonest & I was a broken human being. I was a bad friend because I was weak. He deserved better & so did I. But I didn’t cry. I simply walked along, thinking he’s a great person, but I wasn’t always good to him nor he to me & I needed to carry on so I could be the superhuman person I’m meant to be. Sometimes, now that I’m not angry, I miss him. I don’t hate him anymore, because it’s not who I am. I am a person who prefers to be positive, not negative and I refuse to give people power over me to hurt me.

So I asked my counsellor why was I able to summon the strength to get through the worst of times, but during the one two punch, I broke down. Why did I break? She asked me the question that’s bugged me:

“Could it be you always expected to lose everything else, but you didn’t expect this?”

Maybe she’s right. All of my life I’ve waited for the shoe to drop. I always rationalized bad stuff away, but for once, I honestly didn’t understand & much like Sandra Bullock said; “Painfully, you learn quickly in life that sometimes there are no answers.”

I truly believed with all that I was that I couldn’t lose that thing that I loved so much & meant so much to me but (much like I am not worthy to be my children’s mother & I work to earn that honour every day) I did not deserve. It couldn’t happen. I would have bet my life on it. This thing, that was so good, I couldn’t lose this time. I’ve lost every prominent male in my life, including my only male child, but this time, I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t lose my living Tal Bachman song. I couldn’t screw it up because it was too good and the right thing. This was just how it was supposed to be & we’d get the ending right eventually. I refused to see the shoe. I wouldn’t see the shoe. Then I got smacked with the shoe & for the first time in my life, I surveyed the mess around me; the college course I hated, the two dear friends I’d burdened, my heartbroken girls & the loss that cut me to my core & didn’t care what anyone thought, who got satisfaction, I broke. But maybe we all need to break to realize who we are. I’m still strong. I’m still me. By putting myself back together, I learned I could do it. I can be in control & I won’t eff it all up…much. I can still be the positive beacon, just smarter. I may not have everything I want out of life; I miss some close friends & I will likely always be on my own waiting for Superman but I have a great life. I’m raising my three girls completely on my own with no financial help and minimal parental support from their father, and they are thriving, with good grades and advanced developmental skills. They are gentle and loving and that’s because of my influence. I’m good @ my job & I’m pretty good @ this writing thing. Maybe I’m not going to have happily ever after in the conventional sense, but I have my girls & my goals & I put my broken self back together on my own & no one can take any of that from me. For the first time in my entire life, I am 100% in control of my life, my choices, with no one to second guess me or take credit for what I do well and I’m doing just fine.

I don’t want to spend my life looking for the shoe, which for the most part, I have always done. I also can’t bottle up pain anymore. I need to find the middle ground & as I phase into the next chapter of my crazy life (another impulsive decision), it’s what I’ll figure out. I’ll stand tall in adversity and cry when I’m hurting. I’ll be less oak tree & more willow tree.

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Maybe that’s part of life. Maybe we need to break sometimes. Maybe we need to be utterly destroyed so we can rise like the Phoenix from the ashes & build ourselves back up into something better. We can appreciate what we truly want out of life when it’s all been taken from us. Would I be the mom I am if I hadn’t had to literally earn the right to be one? Would my work ethic be what it is had I not had to fight for what I have? Who knows? But perhaps we need to break to learn to bend. So I’ll bend & I’ll continue on my life’s journey.

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Hold On

by maryhelenc, posted in Crazy Talk, Current Events, Life, Social Media, support Windsor!, When Things Suck Hard

Today is Suicide Awareness Day.

Please don’t give up. I know it hurts that they left you, or that you didn’t make the team, or get that job. I know it hurts that they called you those names & said you don’t matter. I know you want them to love you & they don’t & it sucks & you want to not hurt anymore. I know you wish your parents cared but they’re mean & it seems like there’s no one & no where left to go.

Well, I don’t know you, but I’m here & you can contact me via email @ ash.multimedia@yahoo.ca or find me on Twitter. I think you’re great & you worked really hard. I know someone will love you even though they didn’t. Your parents are likely proud of you, they just don’t know how to show you or let their own sadness bring them down. People come & go & it’s okay because the best ones will come back or better yet, never leave. Don’t wait for them, live your life & be a beacon of awesome. Life hands miracles to us every day & can be found with courage, faith & conviction. Give yourself a chance to find them.

But it will be okay. Maybe not right away, but it will be. It will be alright & you will become a champion because everything that hurt you taught you to be strong and you will be alright.

If you do have suicidal thoughts, call the number listed with your country. Qualified crisis counsellors will help you & if nothing else, you’ll feel like someone listened & for awhile, you’ll be okay. Feeling suicidal does not make you crazy, or worthless, or a bad person. It means that you’ve lost the ability to cope & that’s okay, you can find it again, I promise. I also promise someone out there needs you. You might not have even met them yet, but they do. Hold on for that someone, whether its a friend, a parent, a teacher, your child, the person that you love most in this world, regardless of your current relationship, hold on for them and for you.

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Blurred Lines

by maryhelenc, posted in Celebrity Fluff, Crazy Talk, Current Events, Life, MusicIsLifeIsMusicIsLife, Seriously WTF?, Social Media

An open letter to everyone,

Dear everyone,

I’m so glad that you have decided to go to Social Media and complain about your precious eyes after Miley Cyrus danced in her underpants @ the VMA’s. I’ve read everything from how she’s pathetically begging for attention to how Robin Thicke was some kind of victim. However, as a semi-retired journalist, I’m going to weigh in.

You all did EXACTLY what you were supposed to do.

Much like the Madonna/Britney kiss or Rose McGowan’s assless dress, you all talked about Miley & Thicke, who performed a mash up of their songs & recreated their videos. Cyrus’s new single Wrecking Ball is number one on iTunes & Thicke’s single Blurred Lines is number 2 (It should be noted that Blurred Lines was the number one single of summer, with Cyrus’s We Can’t Stop @ number two). Everyone is talking about Robin Thicke & Miley Cyrus on a night that was supposed to be about duelling performances between Lady Gaga & Katy Perry & the N*Sync reunion. Cyrus & Thicke knew they needed to get people talking, as bad press is good press & they did. They played you like fiddles & you all fell for it.

Miley Cyrus is sitting somewhere laughing at you in her million dollar house with Liam Hemsworth by her side & watching as Bangerz is the most pre-ordered album on iTunes. Thicke is sitting somewhere laughing his ass off as Blurred Lines is getting a bump in AirPlay while everyone dissects the lyrics & he maintains the number one single of summer. You gave them EXACTLY what they wanted; notoriety.

So, congrats for falling in line with your outrage & social commentary. I’m sure Cyrus & Thicke appreciate it. I’m sure they’ll thank you @ the Billboard Music Awards when they clean house or in one of the tens of millions of articles about it or when both songs get a boost next year when MTV shows highlights of the awards. Because the only reason it’s controversial is because you’re talking about it.

Sincerely & ironically, MHC

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My Precious

by maryhelenc, posted in ASH Blog Projects, Crazy Talk, Current Events, Dorkdom, Just Fun, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, MusicIsLifeIsMusicIsLife, My New Life As Me, Quotable Quotes and Potpourri, Relationships, Seriously WTF?, Social Media

I spend a lot of time on Facebook on the bus rides to & from work. During this time, people ask a lot of rhetorical questions. So, I decided to play guru & answer all of the rhetorical questions people post on Facebook! Hooray!

***Disclaimer: I am not smart nor qualified to dispense advice. The magic 8 ball is more qualified than me. Any taking of my knowledge & applying it to your life isn’t wise, as I’m not wise.***

Rhetorical question #1: why are people cruel?

Answer: because you let them. A lesson I have learned is that people will be as mean as you let them. Don’t allow it. Ignore it, be a lady (or gentleman) & do not dignify cruelty with a response. Simply remove what they intend to use as “ammo” & carry on like they do not exist. Also, people are cruelest to the one that loves them most. They know you’ll take it, absorb it, nurse that wound & continue to love them. It’s control. You can love someone more than life, but you don’t need to take their crap. Remember the words that my foster father gave me years ago: people are generally good & those that aren’t get what they deserve.

Rhetorical question #2: why do people Facebook creep/stalk their exes? It’s soooo annoying & I just want to punch my cousin in the face because she does it all of the time & then cries.

Rhetorical answer: because they are still in love with them. There are only two true emotions; love & indifference. Hate is just an angry version of love. If you care soooo much about what your ex is thinking that you creep them incessantly, you are still in love with them & any attempts to move forward are just attempts to replace what you left behind (The song Hurricane by Parachute addresses this well). Even the “I need to know they are thinking about/talking about me” proves you are in love with them, because that just screams that you need validation, that they think of you as much as you think of them. I guess the one upside to low self image is I just assume you’re not thinking about me and I need to do something to move on, so I just avoid. I will block you & everyone you know until I feel indifference. It’s likely the extreme opposite, but it makes me feel better. Also, don’t punch your cousin. Violence is never cool.

Rhetorical question #3: why do families hurt each other?

Rhetorical answer: because happy families that make sense & love each other every second only exist on TV. Every family has its moments where someone is a donger. Maybe they’re all dongers. MAYBE YOU’RE A DONGER. But we hold family to a higher expectation; stop that. All human interaction can be marred by human emotion. Blood doesn’t change that.

Rhetorical Question #4: WILL YOU PLEASE STOP SENDING ME GAME REQUESTS?!

Rhetorical answer: okay, this isn’t rhetorical, it just is. Go to settings & block the requests.

Rhetorical question #5: why are men/women such jerks?

Rhetorical answer: they’re not. Jerkdom is not defined by gender; it’s defined by jerks. Maybe that person dealt with so many other jerks who were hurt by previous jerks who were hurt by the original jerk. Think vampirism, only with jerks. Show kindness in the face of jerkdom. You’ll be surprised how people’s attitudes will change once you show them kindness.

Rhetorical question #6: why is dating so hard?

Rhetorical answer: chances are that you have unrealistic expectations. Obviously things like kids, sexual appetite, matrimony, are deal breakers, but if you’re looking for a supermodel when you aren’t or nitpicking about details that don’t matter, you’re choosing to make it hard. Life is about compromise & you need to figure out which details are set in stone & which ones aren’t & stop sending people packing because they didn’t have ocean green eyes with tanned skin. I know this, because I walk out of dates all of the time for dumb stuff just like that.

Rhetorical question #7: WHY WON’T MY CHILDREN BEHAVE?!

Rhetorical answer: I have no idea. But if you ever find the answer, share it with the rest of us. May God give you strength.

Rhetorical question #8: why are some people so awful? Like for reals, I wouldn’t do that to my BEST FRIEND & I can’t believe you would put that on Facebook. Not talking about any one person, but if I was, you know who you are.

Rhetorical answer: you did just put it on Facebook. Congrats, you got attention.

Rhetorical question #9: why does everything bad happen to meee? FML (sorry, can’t talk about it)

Rhetorical answer: see above.

There you have it, answers to random questions found on Facebook! I hope you got a cheap laugh & perhaps I’ll do it again sometime.

Ooh La La

by maryhelenc, posted in ASH Blog Projects, Celebrity Fluff, Crazy Talk, Mommydom, MusicIsLifeIsMusicIsLife, My New Life As Me, Relationships, Seriously WTF?, Social Media

I always feel kind of badly for Britney Spears.

She’s come a long way since her nervous breakdown as a result of the dissolution of her marriage and her battle with depression, but people still judge her for the head shaving and umbrella bashing and the worst; her not retaining full custody of her children.

I have never believed that a child “belongs” with his/her mother. I believe a child belongs with the parent that is best suited for them. Some dads (like Kevin Federline in this case) are better suited to raise their children. Ms. Spears travels a lot for her career, she is currently in Vegas doing shows, while her boys have been attending school in California with their father and stepmother. They see their siblings. It’s all a good situation.

courtesy: People Magazine
courtesy: People Magazine

We should be commending Spears for putting the needs of her children ahead of the needs of herself. I will never claim to be a perfect mother. Sometimes I raise my voice, sometimes (a lot of the time) my house is a mess. Sometimes I overshare on my blog in an attempt to be more open and get myself into trouble. Oh, and I swear…A LOT. However, my hippie friend told me that as long as she’s known me (which is a long ass time), she’s always seen me do the best that I can to put my daughters first. I was having a kind of downer, stressed out mom day, where the kids don’t listen and one comes downstairs covered in ink and there’s a tantrum and back talk and you seriously contemplate shipping them to the Jolie-Pitts. My hippie friend chose to write a piece for the ASH Life and I told her I was proud of her and she said she wished she had my patience for my girls, my desire to put aside what I wanted for what they need, etc. I told her I’m not always good @ that, and she told me “you’re better than most people, so give yourself some credit.” I think she needs to give herself some credit too. She’s been through a parenting situation no mother should have to go through and she’s done so with class, grace and a positive spirit that can’t be broken. Her boys are so lucky to have such an amazing mom (and stepdad/dad. The Eagleman is pretty bomb ass awesome too). I guess sometimes when you’re looking into the dark side of your role as parent, when the world tells you that you need to be perfect every second and that there is this standard of parenting, that when you can’t or won’t or aren’t that person, you can’t always see that you’re still a great mom. I’m a good mom. My hippie friend is an amazing mom. Britney Spears is an awesome mom because when all is said & done, the kids come first.

So, why not give Britney Spears credit? She clearly loves her boys. She adores them. Photos of them show a loving and nuturing relationship and you can’t fake a candid photo or the look in someone’s eyes in a photo. Her boys love her. But she’s also mature enough to see that her lifestyle of performing is not the type that a child should live, so she sees them as much as she can while continuing to give them the gift so few celebrity children have; stability, normal schooling, normal names, a normal life. Preston and Jayden Federline will likely grow up well adjusted and happy, something so few celebrity children get to do. We should be commending Spears for getting her life in order, moving forward and putting her kids first.

So, kudos to you Britney Spears, for being a parenting role model.

Stupid Girls

by maryhelenc, posted in ASH General, Celebrity Fluff, Crazy Talk, My New Life As Me, Quotable Quotes and Potpourri, Seriously WTF?

I just realized that my entire adult life can be described in about 8 P!nk songs. I’m not sure if this is really cool or horrifying. It’s entirely possible that this means I need more sleep & between work, raising the fam jam, setting up the ASH Life in time for launch (cheap plug, insert cheap pop here) & stopping my friends from leading a revolt against The Adventures of Tintin, I’ve gone crazy.

Or I need to stop making Red Bull a staple in my diet. Whatever.

PS I love P!nk.

Gone Gone Gone

by maryhelenc, posted in Crazy Talk, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Relationships, Seriously WTF?

Today I went on a hilarious shopping trip with a friend whom I met in college. We talked about a great many things, including why I will never be “Gangsta.” But we also talked about why words can’t hurt if you don’t let them.

I recently received a letter from a former friend, that was full of scathing vitriol and a bunch of other negative things. The timing of said letter was amusing, as I had been very vocal about my recent academic and employment successes, weight loss success, and how my life is basically all around awesomesauce. It almost seemed like the former friend was trying to drag me down because I frankly, didn’t care that they weren’t in my life right now, as they don’t fit in the plan and had damaged my trust beyond repair. It was like this person was almost bitter that I carried on without those people in my life, so they needed to try and knock me down a peg, either because of jealousy or pettiness, or whatever, but people handle things differently and all feelings are valid and should be respected. However, I laughed and threw it out.

We talked about something I mentioned awhile ago, which is that we need to stop sugar coating words like “fat” or “depressed” and just take them for what they are. We both said that words, once embraced, lose their power. During my last year of school, I often took shots on my GPA, calling myself “the dumb one.” People often wondered why I did it, but it was because I knew there were certain students that would attempt to use my academic probation to make me feel lower, and damage my self-worth. So, I owned it: “Yup, I’m dumb. I have a crappy GPA. I suck. Hahaha.” However, that meant that those people couldn’t do that to hurt me anymore.

I said to a friend the other day, that I use things that people use to bring me down because by owning those things, whether true or not, you cannot hurt me with those slurs. I am most certainly not dumb. In fact, when it comes to certain subjects, I often had the highest grades in the class and the reviews of my published work are almost completely flawless. However, if I let those insults roll off of my back like that, they lose all power. Much like the idea of the word “fat.” I’m fat, which is why I’m working on a diet and weight loss plan, which has allowed me to lose 31lbs so far. I’m not going to hide behind sugar coating to make things feel warm and fuzzy. A spade is a spade. Blonde is blonde. Fat is fat. A big nose is a big nose. None of these things are a reflection of who you are as a person. It’s just what is, just like having blue eyes. If you don’t like being fat; fix it. If you want to expand your mind; read a book. But don’t sugar coat your life.

These words only have power if you allow them.
These words only have power if you allow them.

So, if someone needs to send me a nasty letter to try and bring down the place I am in, good for you. I hope that you feel better that you got all of that out. I’m perfectly fine with people thinking I’m a half crazy, over-sensitive crybaby with a fat ass and is destined to become a cat lady while pining away for someone & their child. I’m also completely awesome; strong and beautiful, a double college graduate, a published writer who has interviewed 26 of the world’s most popular celebrities and has been published in various magazines over 200 times. I’m gainfully employed at a job that is not in my field, but offers me great financial compensation and benefits. I have great kids who are gifted in athletics, my 6yo is a straight A student and can read at a grade 3 level and my 3yo has the vocabulary of a child twice her age. They learned that from me. I’m charismatic and charming, witty and funny and a fund of useless information. But sure, I’m a nutcase too. Whatever.

Words are just that. Words. Don’t let them hurt you. Take them back, own them. Even if they are not true, it doesn’t matter. It’s just a matter of showing people that they can’t bring you down with their hateful words. Embrace your best self and don’t let people nitpick your flaws to hurt you by embracing them too.

Last October

by maryhelenc, posted in Crazy Talk, Dear Blank, Douchers, My New Life As Me, Quotable Quotes and Potpourri, Relationships, Seriously WTF?

I have a hippie friend.

I love my hippie friend. She is strong, brave, wise and generally sorts things out for me that confuse the eff out of me.

Well, lately I’ve been trying to sort through some stuff & I didn’t know how to understand it, so I went to the hippie and the unlikeliest of sources.

I’ve had a bit of a falling out with some close friends over the last year, three to be exact. While one of them & I are reconnecting a bit on social media, her & I not being as close as we were has been kind of a sore spot with me, because I missed her. While outwardly, I acted like it didn’t bother me, my counselling sessions and chats with the hippie often mentioned my longing for my friendship with her, the support, the brutal honesty, the mutual love of cats and her adorable son. I wanted to apologize for sort of passing the buck about a few things, not adequately explaining what was bothering me, etc. but didn’t know how. The absence of regular conversations with this friend affected me. I was in a funk, my grades slipped, my heart was heavy. Combined with the end of a relationship with a person that meant so much to me, it was hard to pull myself out of the doldrums and I became Debbie Downer, which for anyone who knows me knows that is not me.

However, I later learned two of my best friends had lied to me about a lot of things because hurting me was mean or some such garbage and we’ve kind of distanced ourselves, to the point where the friendship seems to have ended. However, there was no despondency. There was a lot of focus on self-improvement, a lot of realization that I spent a lot of time saying “Well, they think…” and I realized how few major life decisions I have made on my own since the divorce. However, I didn’t feel that gutting agony of them not being there. I just kept on working. I got a job…and another one. My grades went up. I focused on losing weight. I felt more confident in my choices. I’m not saying that they are bad people, in fact, they’re amazing people! But right now it seems that they don’t fit in my current life plan and strangely enough, I’m okay with that. There is no tears or begging or that feeling of desolation and hurt. It’s just “Oh, well that’s cool. Hope they’re doing well.”

I asked the Hippie why and she said “some friends do not impact your person they are more peripheral? You enjoy them but they do not enrich your world and your life. Some people make a contribution to your world and they may not even be friends, but you are profoundly hurt by the loss of them in your life.”

While the friends made a positive impact in my life, things slowly changed and now the trust just isn’t there anymore. Meanwhile, the friend who I got annoyed with for being well meaning and even brutally honest & the man were the ones who enriched my life in deeper ways. It was the friend that I missed more than anything, even when I was annoyed. It was her birthday message that made me smile on the worst day ever. It was her random comments here and there that I would reply to. My children still long for that long lost person, that person whose departure from my life broke my heart in ways that I didn’t know could be done. The one I waited for months for, because I didn’t want a future without him, his child & his goodness. Because these people are a “person of value,” not just a friend.

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I asked my ex-husband (because after all, the person who’s known me for almost half of my life should know something about me and despite the acrimonious split, for some reason, I still ask him stuff and vice versa. I guess it’s because deep down we know we still know the other one well) why the loss of some people just doesn’t seem to bother me and throughout my life, there have only been three people whose departures have affected me long term and he suggested that maybe they belonged in my life. I missed my friend, that’s why her picture is still on my wall. I didn’t bat an eyelash walking out on a long term union, but “nothing broke you like the loss of that man. I wish I could do something to help, especially for the girls’ sake, because you were all happy then.” “Person of Value” was actually a term that he used to use. While yes, we had friends in Windsor, none were valuable, I wasn’t valuable. His family was valuable, the people he’s met online are valuable because they enrich him in some way. I’m glad he’s found “Persons of value.”

I don't love easily, or very well. But when I do, it's a choice that I make, knowing that it's irreversable, unchanging and there is a good chance that I will become roadkill and end up without them. But I do it, and continue to do it because it is a choice, a choice to love when you are unloved, a choice to give when there is nothing left to give, to love them when they're long gone & to always love them, because that is the nature of what love truly is. Wanting more for the other person than yourself.
I don’t love easily, or very well. But when I do, it’s a choice that I make, knowing that it’s irreversable, unchanging and there is a good chance that I will become roadkill and end up alone. But I do it, and continue to do it because it is a choice, a choice to love when you are unloved, a choice to give when there is nothing left to give, to love when you get nothing back, to love when they are long gone & to always love them, because that is the nature of what love truly is. Wanting more for the other person than yourself. I love only a handful of people like this, & I know I couldn’t stop if I wanted to, because when I made the choice, I knew I couldn’t reverse it. It was agape, always love.

I have a long time best friend who was a “Person of Value” to me. We had a falling out over a misunderstanding and we would only sporadically talk for 10 years. Finally, she messaged me on Facebook and we are talking again and it’s great. I feel so much happier with her presence in my life again. The years she wasn’t around, I missed her friendship, her bluntness and her constant “What do YOU think? You have to live with the choice,” which challenged me. My other high school best friend is another “Person of Value.” We’ve always kept in touch, but she is definitely one of my closest friends and role models and I love her for being in my life.

So, while I may not have all of the “Persons of Value” in my life again, it’s nice to know that I’m not weird for only truly wanting certain people in my life and not really mourning the rest. Maybe someday, the other friends will be a part of my life again, when fate dictates that we need each other. Until then, I wish them nothing but happiness and good health, because that’s what they deserve.

Butterfly Kisses

by maryhelenc, posted in Crazy Talk, Douchers, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Relationships, Seriously WTF?

In honour of Father’s Day, I’ve decided to write about my relationship with my own father figures.

My father passed away when I was five years old, so I was that kid who sat out of craft time while the other kids got to make their paper neckties. It was pretty demoralizing and likely didn’t help with that fear of isolation, but I’m not here to psychoanalyze myself.

I’ve often wondered if my dad would be proud of the person I’ve become, or if he would think I was some kind of raging screw-up. I haven’t really been the best kid all of the time. I’ve lipped off to my mom, I’ve been a pain in the ass and I’ll likely never have a husband, namely because I don’t particularly see it as important and I don’t know if I want to date anyone ever again (my track record of cancelling the last 15 dates in a row is pretty telling), nor would my children accept anyone else besides the mate they want for me. My first marriage was a comedy of errors and my academic performance in any class that wasn’t english, the arts, sociology or media was pretty piss poor. I mean, yeah, I got the diplomas, but could I have been better? Am I the person that my father would be proud of? It’s something that weighs on me every single Father’s day.

Then there is my foster father, whom I call my dad. He is a great man, who encouraged me to be myself. He told me that I was a charismatic, dynamic young lady and people would be jealous of the person that I was, because all eyes go on me when I enter a room because I’m bright, witty, and charming. He taught me to be myself, trust my own instincts and believe that I was capable of anything. Somewhere I lost those lessons along the way and I guess I need to reclaim those lessons, because my dad is a smart man and he wouldn’t have said it if he didn’t believe it. He’s the most important male influence I’ve ever had and I hope he’s proud of me too. Sometimes I wonder, for all of the reasons listed above. Maybe I don’t live up to my full potential. Maybe I don’t surround myself with the right people. Maybe I screw up the positive relationships in my life to spend time with people who hold me back from being my best self. I don’t know, but I know that I hope he’s proud of me.

So, these are the things I think about every single father’s day. I hope all of the dads out there are having a great day. To the stepdads who pick up the slack for the deadbeats and the dads that take their job seriously, I commend you. To the single moms going it alone, be proud of yourselves. To the grandpas and uncles and male role models who step up when no one else is there and come out to family outings, etc. I hope you know how important you are.