Save Myself

I’ve always had a big personality. I’m pretty extroverted. I talk A LOT. I have a million ideas that I think are amazing all of the time. I want to share them and help others and see everyone succeed. It’s kind of my thing. 

However, I get that it doesn’t work for everyone. I’ve dated guys who’ve told me to tone it down. Talk less. Be more introverted. Behave. I remember one of my last shifts at my old job staring at the floor, afraid to make eye contact with anyone or engage in conversation because I needed to obey so a man would talk to me again. I would go home and sob myself to sleep because I wasn’t myself. All of the things that make me who I am were being chipped away to please a person who didn’t love me anyway. A few years ago, I had a good friend who told me that I intentionally dominated the room. I didn’t really understand. I don’t think I do; I just act like myself and I don’t always realize that I’m running people over with my “me-ness.”

But I accepted that being a big personality means accepting certain things. I’ll never have a lot of friends. I always scare people off. I’ll never have a mate. No man wants a workaholic woman who wants to succeed at twelve things and raise a family and Crossfit and spend her life pitching stories and creating ways to grow her business and never, EVER stops talking. I tried for YEARS to fix it. If I could just stop talking so damn much, take a backseat, stop being so open and happy. Change into the contrite woman who smiles and nods and obeys and doesn’t take over the room with her thoughts and ideas. Then I’d meet a guy. Then I’d have more friends. But I realized I’d never be happy. I’m the difficult woman. The opinionated, headstrong, smart ass. I need to be myself. If I am, I’ll attract the right friends, the right lover. Maybe I’ll always be alone and kind of isolated, but at least I’m being myself. I get that my personality is almost impossible to love, but I love it & maybe that’s enough. 


But at work, that was where I always felt at home. I’m a salesperson; big personalities are encouraged. My boss back home encouraged my zany ideas, my over talkative nature. But here, it’s not like that. I can always tell that my “me-ness” is not an asset. It’s a liability. I’m not the right company material. My results are, but me, I am not. But I pretend it’s okay, I love my job. No one needs to like me, just respect me. But today, I was gently told that my overbearing personality detracts from others. I dominate. And for the first time in a long time, I began to think that maybe being myself isn’t the best thing at all. Maybe I need to change into someone quieter. Someone less headstrong. Someone less chatty. Less of a temper. Someone not like me. Maybe I am just too much and my ideas are too much and I talk just too damn much and no one can be around me for long periods of time because I am too much. Maybe I just need to stop marching to my drum and stop. Stop challenging. Stop talking. Stop trying to think outside of the box. Accept the box. 


I’ve never really felt like being me was a liability, but maybe it is. Maybe it’s okay to tone down my personality and just not be so much. Maybe then I’ll make more friends. Maybe then I’ll find a mate because I’m not so over the top. Isn’t that what women are supposed to want? Maybe I’m just the problem. So, how to correct and evolve into someone a little less dominant. A little less extroverted. A little less…me. 

I’m not really sure. But maybe I can’t keep bucking the status quo & taking pride that I don’t fit in. 

Or…maybe that is complete bullshit. 

Maybe my “me-mess” will be a liability. Maybe I’ll die alone with my cat and no husband because I’m too much for a person to deal with. Maybe I can learn to step back and find a balance, but I’m always going to be the person that talks too much and gets way too excited, cares too much and rambles on about the latest zany idea that I think is super amazing. But I can’t be me unless I’m me. 


So, my goal is to find the balance between being myself and rowing the line. Embracing who I am while also listening to feedback. And I won’t throw a god damn pity party when another person reminds me that I’m just too much. Yes, yes I am. But to my good friends, my girls, and most of my coworkers, MHC is just enough. But the most important thing is that I think I’m just enough, and I like who I see in the mirror. Because that’s the person I truly have to answer to. 

Welcome to the Show

It’s been a weird few weeks. 

I haven’t really felt like blogging. I’ve been writing, as I’ve been working hard at the magazine as I AM GETTING ASSIGNED STORIES AGAIN! But I didn’t feel like blogging. I even pulled the app from my phone for a bit. I’m all about being more selective about what I share with people. Even my close friends aren’t learning as much about my life. I guess I’m internalizing a bit. But I don’t think that’s a bad thing. I think there are people who use my blog to figure out my mood, etc. instead of actually communicating with me & I’m kind of over that. But I really wanted to share this tale of how strong women inspire strong women & maybe it’ll motivate other strong women. 

But I’m losing the plot a little bit. Hold on, let me back up the train a bit. 

  

This week, my girls were talking about heroes & women who inspire them. I’m always interested to see who catches their attention & motivates them. For my oldest daughter, it was Sasha Banks. 

  
My teen daughter has made it no secret that she wants to become the youngest WWE  Women’s Champion in history. She’s also been told by her father, grandfather, and maternal grandmother that she can’t. She’s lazy. She’s selfish. Spoiled. So she’ll never make it. However, she keeps on training. Working on her athletics in gym & her theatrics in drama class so she can become that girl that has her moment. I always remind her that for every AJ Lee & Sasha Banks, there are hundreds of little girls that didn’t make it, so she’s gotta put in the work Sasha & AJ did. I tell her that she’s capable and while I fully intend to be at ringside when she wins that title, it’s always good to have a university education in case of injury. Last week, Sasha Banks showcased her Wrestlemania Diary, where she revealed a journal where 10 year old Mercedes (Sasha’s real name) wrote about her dreams to become the WWE Women’s Champion. Last Sunday, my eldest child, decked out in her Legit Boss gear, got teary when the opening notes of her favourite’s music hit and as Sasha Banks got her moment, she said “Sasha did it, and in a few years, that’ll be me.”

  
Regardless of the outcome of the match (which pissed off every one of my kids), Sasha Banks inspired many little girls who are told that they can’t, like my daughter, so she should be proud of what she accomplished. Much like little Mercedes looked up to her heroes, in a few years, my daughter will describe how Sasha Banks walking to the ring helped inspire her. That’s gotta be amazing. 

Later this week, I introduced my daughters to THE GREATEST CINEMATIC EPIC OF OUR TIME; Legally Blonde. My 9 year old, whom we call the Overlord called me at work to tell me;

“MOMMY. ELLE AND THE DOGGY SAVED THE LADY AND WON THE CASE AND SHE DID IT ALL BY HERSELF AND THEN TOLD THE JERK BOY TO GO SCREW HIMSELF. SHE IS AWESOME.”

I take flack for loving Elle as much as I do, but she’s pretty bad ass. She got into Harvard Law all by herself. And she became a lawyer all by herself. She didn’t hold it against Vivian that they fought for the same guy, because he didn’t deserve either of them. And Elle just wanted to make the world better for people. She kind of rules. The Overlord kind of wants to be a lawyer…and I need to watch my language, as screw yourself shouldn’t be in a kid’s vocabulary. 

  

 And my youngest daughter told me this week that I’m her hero. Because Mommy writes for a magazine & moved to a Cow Province to be the best writer & sells phones & works hard & gives hugs & takes her to Zootopia & does crossfit & I would never blow up her planet like Darth Vader blew up Princess Leia’s planet. It was kind of cool.

  
But it reminded me why I need to make sure that I’m being my best self every single day, as there are little people who are watching me. Little people watch how you treat people, how you carry yourself, how hard you work & emulate you. While its great that Sasha Banks & Elle Woods inspire my kids to become champions & dog toting lawyers, I’m the one they see every day. I need to be the bad ass woman that conquers the planet, works hard, and treats people well. I’m the one who will teach them what kind of woman they want to be. I don’t want them to be like me; they will accomplish far more than I will, but my character sets that blueprint. I need to make it a good one. 

  
So, the lesson here is, never be afraid to be the best version of you. You never know who is watching.