I like to pretend that the stuff I write matters.
I like to pretend that when people read my blog, they learn something new about their own lives or about me or about the world. I like to pretend that these words stick out in people’s minds & make them think.
Writing is my life.
It’s my therapy. It’s my passion.
My blog is sometimes a therapy session onto itself. Sometimes I write things in the moment & protect them so that I can restructure my thoughts later & publish them.
Everyone has that moment where it all just comes crashing down.
That was me this week.
Everything I loved about my life (except parenting) suddenly fell apart & I’m left trying to understand.
I’m hurting, I’m wounded & I’m lost. I hate that I’m supposed to be the person that nothing affects but this week has really walloped me.
So, I try to remember all the lessons that I taught myself all of these months; that there’s always a shred of hope in the darkness & sometimes that shred of hope is enough to help you endure. When things look bleakest, you may be closest to your victory. That broken hearts mend & eventually things will be okay.
I know these things, but right now, I just want to feel okay.
People who know me know my disdain for John Mayer.
He seems like a real D-Bag, who has very little regard for women, his fans or people in general. However, while promoting his recent album “Born and Raised,” we’re seeing a kinder, gentler, dare I say, nice John Mayer.
Life is about lessons learned.
I’m always learning new lessons & trying to apply them to my daily life.
The latest lesson is learning how to open up to a new person after the old person messed you up so badly.
I’m very blessed to be with the person I am with. I have blogged about him more than once, and while I try to keep my gushing about him to a minimum, sometimes one can’t help it.
He’s a very strong, supportive & compassionate man who deals with my idiosyncrasies in a very gentle & comforting way. Every time there is a crisis in my life, he is by my side, rationalizing through it until a solution can be found. However, I find in many situations, he’s the last person that I will turn to, which I think may bother him.
I spent a long time reclaiming my individuality after years of being under someone’s thumb. Part of me fears going back to that. I’m always afraid that reaching out to the man that I love will result in him resenting me for being weak & sniveling, so by the time I do talk to him, 19 things have gone wrong & I’m a crazy, crying mess.
However, this man finds crazy, crying MH lovable, which is probably the sweetest thing I have ever heard. When someone can love the least lovable side of you, & only want to understand that side & not change it, they are likely your match. I’m not the easiest person to deal with. I’m goofy, kind of ditzy & sometimes over emotional. The fact that he can see these things not as flaws that need changing, but facets of my personality that need to be understood & accepted makes me love him more.
The other reason is simple; he’s a busy man. He has many commitments to many people & I don’t want to infringe on them. I don’t want to distract him from the degree he has worked so hard for or his beautiful daughter. I am only a marginal piece of his life & I don’t want to put too much pressure on him to be more than that. He has a million projects & sometimes he simply has no time for me, not even a phone call. I’m the same way sometimes. But I feel guilty when I have to infringe on his life, I feel so selfish when I do. I should be the lowest priority, not someone that requires a lot of attention.
However, the lesson here is knowing when it is the right time to let someone in. When do you have the conversations that are most personal?
For me, that time is now.
I’m slowly building a future with someone whom genuinely loves & cares for me & wants to understand me better. He wants to be there for me when things get rough, just like I want to be there for him. We are getting to the point where we know each other better than we know ourselves & accepted each other’s flaws & foibles. We’re at the point where one bad day/week/minor issue won’t tear us apart & I need to be more open to talking to him, even about the stuff that I don’t tell even my closest friends. I spend so much time trying to be Super MH that I forget that I don’t have to be; my friends & beau appreciate that I’m actually a bit nuts & over emotional. Perhaps if I opened up @ the time things happened & let people understand why I feel the way I do, maybe they wouldn’t feel like I’m high strung. Maybe I wouldn’t be.
Loving someone means loving the parts of the person that aren’t very lovable. Flaws are part of a person too & whether it’s a small flaw (forgetting to call) or a major one (over emotional crying), if you love that person, you embrace their flaws as well as their goodness. If someone can love the parts of me that I hate, then he’s someone I can do damn near anything for.
Will Smith’s PR team was working overtime after he slapped a Ukranian reporter across the face during the premiere of MiB 3.
The reporter attempted to kiss the Academy Award nominated actor on the lips (which is apparently his “gimmick”) and was slapped for his efforts. Smith said “He’s lucky I didn’t punch him in the mouth.”
Happy Mother’s Day!
After President Obama declared his support for same sex marriage, I found myself engaged in an interesting Facebook convo with someone on my list.
We both agreed that same sex marriage should be legal in all countries across the globe; the debate was the sincerity of the POTUS’s words. I said if he means them, he must back them up in the Senate. Imagine my amusement later when another of her friends accused those debating of forcing her to oppose same sex marriage.
I have never made secret my love for Christina Aguilera.
She is arguably the most talented singer to come along since Whitney Houston. She is pure talent, wrapped up in this pint sized package that can be stunning, sexy, or just plain gauche.
The more time I spend with people, the more that I think half of the universe is bitterable.
Bitterable is a word that I invented which is a hybrid of bitter and miserable. It makes me sad to see so many people that I love so unhappy with the state of their lives and yet, I can’t do anything to help them out with it.
I often get questioned by the people in my life by my ability to trudge along when things get sucky. A recurring conversation between myself and my beau is my indifference towards a former friend who stopped talking to me abruptly (and even took my copy of the Hunger Games and never returned it!), but I never say anything negative or show any distress at their departure. I simply have more important things to focus on than someone who obviously didn’t care enough about the friendship to have a conversation. This applies to many things in my life. I’m quick to forgive and move on because once someone has apologized for said wrong doing & we’ve talked about it, we should probably go forward.
Several people I know are still angry with their partners for things that happened months, even years ago. Things that should have been resolved at the time. I’m not talking about the residual hurt or the rebuilding of trust, those linger for months on end. Mentioning residual hurt doesn’t have to involve throwing it back in the person’s face, simply expressing that you were hurt and that’s why you do certain things or get emotional about certain things is well enough. If someone cares enough about you (and has any self awareness at all), they should have some patience for your concerns. I’m one of those people that will annoy someone with questions such as; are things fine, are we good now, do you mean it, etc. and chances are I drive the other person absolutely bonkers, but it’s my way of feeling secure again after something goes wrong. There’s nothing wrong with needing reassurance, or even with feeling hurt long after the action/infraction is over. However, holding on to the residual anger, or worse, stewing for years is just a ticking time bomb. If you’ve said you’ve forgiven them, then drop it and try to overcome the hurt, because they’ve acknowledged their wrong doing, why make them suffer? If they were truly sorry, then they’ll demonstrate the appropriate behaviour and you’ll feel better and more secure eventually, but it’s up to you to feel better, not the other person to make you feel better.
Holding a grudge is like drinking poison and hoping the other person will die; you’re only hurting yourself. The person you’re angry at likely doesn’t know or care that you’re still pissed about the infraction from years ago and that’s why you end up bitterable. I think about people who are still angry about things that happened in high school, even though they graduated 10 years ago, or are still mad at their relationship crumbling a year later. I can understand hurt, or not ready to open oneself up to a new relationship, but to still be angry is a little silly.
My foster father once said that if it won’t affect you three days from now, or an apology can fix it, it’s not worth being angry about. It’s a lesson I’ve tried to adopt into my daily life. I still get hurt and angry, but I try very hard not to let it impact my relationships with other people. I’m simply too busy to end up bitterable & I would be very upset to learn that people were still angry with me for things that I had done and apologized for.
The Misadventures of MHC 