Category: When Things Suck Hard

Unapologetic

by maryhelenc, posted in Current Events, Seriously WTF?, When Things Suck Hard

Today has been one of those days. Long, stressful & blah. Because I’m too lazy to reblog, my day was marred with this (complete with the order form from the doctor because cred). Normally, I like to distract myself from stressful things by not talking about them or writing philosophical drivel. As part of the ASH Life mission statement to focus on positivity through adversity, that is what I shall do. So, here is a play by play of the worst day of 2013 for your entertainment.

0600: wake up for work sick.
0620: decide makeup isn’t worth it
0627: question whether or not the lack of makeup was the right call
0655: get on the bus
0730: start work. Listen to jingles on TV. Jingles remind me to switch the overlord’s perscriptions to Target.
0900: call clinic & ask if I should drink a litre of water for a boob ultrasound. They laugh. I don’t.
0945: become super thrilled that the alarm on the iPad is being fixed.
1016: make conscious effort not to bite off nails. Celebrate little victories. Wish I was listening to Little Victories by Matt Nathanson instead of work jingles.
1040: take bank deposit to bank. Contemplate Starbucks. Wonder if caffeine causes health issues. Contemplates cutting out caffeine. Remembers I’m an insufferable bitch when sleepy. Decides caffeine must remain a staple.
1107: makes official decision on caffeine

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1308: realized I have less than an hour of work & my appointment is in 82 minutes. Resist urge to vomit as I feel Target guests would not like that.
1345: seriously contemplates pulling the plug on the headphone testers so I never have to hear Clarity again.
1350: coworker says I look like crap. Asks if I’m sick.
1415: bus is late.
1419: started blog post about two conversations I had, one with my ex husband & one with the Texan. Will finish later.
1421: bus is finally here. Nine minutes.
1429: one minute to spare!
1435: get fitted for sweet gown

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1455: leave to catch bus. Put on David Cook. Cry. Compose self enough to catch bus.
1530: chill in my bed with the two smaller ones & enjoy this playtime. It’s not ideal, but I’m so drained & sore & frazzled. This way, I can enjoy them & get some rest.

Now for the longest week EVER. Waiting for results. It’s really sucky but we do what we have to in order to get through. I know this might seem flip, but I’ve always bottled up scary things. Now, I’m going to trudge through with a sort of sarcastic wit & keep up my own spirits while I hopefully hear everything is okay.

Laying Me Low

by maryhelenc, posted in Celebrity Fluff, Mommydom, Seriously WTF?, When Things Suck Hard

I love Pink.

She’s such a cool chick; talented, smart, and strong with some old-fashioned ideals. She and her husband Cary Hart chose to work on their marriage instead of throw in the towel like so many Hollywood couples. She’s also a cool, laid back mom who does her best to shield her little girl from the harsh public eye so she grows up as normally as possible.

However, a recent interview with Allure magazine in which the singer/songwriter mentioned that her daughter Willow had suffered a concussion (she points out that the doctors said “kids fall”) and Willow’s penchant for saying “F***, Hi” had the keyboard warriors out in full force, tearing down the mom for inadvertently teaching her daughter foul language and why wasn’t she watching Willow (despite the article saying that she was walking right in front of Willow).

I will never claim to be the perfect mother. Mainly because I’m not. My housekeeping skills are subpar, I’m goofy and silly and I also feed them stuff with preservatives! GASP! My parenting struggles are well documented (You can check them out HERE, HERE & HERE) and while I may not be that perfect TV mom (I’m more Peg Bundy than Carol Brady, only without the neglect and I can actually cook), I know I’m doing my best to be the best mom that I can be.

It’s hard enough to be a parent without the sanctimommies in full force telling us why we suck. It’s not always easy. Kids get hurt. Kids mouth off. Sometimes, you think to yourself that if you have to watch one more episode of Toopy & Binoo or hear that One Direction song, you’re gonna throttle that cross-dressing mouse or kick Harry Styles’s curly haired ass. However, as long as you’re doing the best you can for your children, then you’re doing okay. So, don’t feel badly if you’ve had a rough day with the little ones or if they hurt themselves or if you REALLY just want to drink a glass of wine and never hear the word “Elmo” again.

So, on behalf of moms everywhere, let me tell all of the parents out there: You are doing a good job. Yes, you. You’re doing a great job and I hope you know that. So, whether it’s been an amazing parenting day, or you’re curled up in the fetal position because they’ve copped a huge attitude, kudos to you.

All These Lives

by maryhelenc, posted in ASH General, Relationships, Seriously WTF?, When Things Suck Hard

I always sort of lose a little more faith in humanity when I read things like the Boston Marathon bombings.

I don’t want to be just another blogger who preaches life is a gift, or the everyday heroes, or the like, because when I was a small writer, I always rolled my eyes. But now that I’m older, I realize that sometimes, we all need to relfect on days like today because if we don’t learn from these acts, we repeat them and frankly, too many are repeated.

I know it’s redundant, but we always talk about how we need to love each other and support each other during hard times, but maybe we should do that every day. We shouldn’t need a major disaster to make us pull together as a society and help each other. We should be working every day to be better people. We’re all so damn selfish now (myself included), we think about what benefits us without thinking of the people around us that we end up hurting because we want something or something isn’t quite the way we want it that day. So, we treat people like crap, hurt other people, who hurt other people, until that ripple effect makes the world jaded. While yes, it’s amazing that in times of pain, we can all band together and help each other, we need to remember to do those things when we’re happy, when things are good.

So, I guess the only thing I could say is this; let’s all look at who we are and how we treat people and stop relying on the idea that we’ll do it right the next time, because people are expendable or because we have a ton of time to turn things around. Look at how we have treated people who have offered us nothing but love. Look at how we treated people who accepted us for exactly who we are. How did we treat that total stranger? I know I haven’t been great to those people, I’m sure you haven’t either. If we didn’t have a tomorrow, what kind of legacy would we be leaving behind? Would we be known as the guy who walked out on the family that loved him? The woman who lost sight of the people who cared about her? The man who was cruel to that person who needed help by the side of the road? The person who lied at his job or cheated on her exams? Would we be known as “a great friend, but a bit of an asshole?” or “she’s nice, but sometimes a bitch?” Think of all of the people who were good to you, truly good to you and the legacy you left on them. I know that my legacy is nothing like the one I would want to leave. I have not been good to people who were good to me and I need to be good to them, because we need to remember that life isn’t all about us. Our lives are carefully woven in such a way that our solitary happiness should only be a fragment in the journey. Our lives are constantly connected, through work, school, love, even through social media and the internet. We are all connected and somewhere we lost the idea that our true peace comes from putting the needs of others over our personal wants. We are a much smaller world now, we’re all connected and while maybe we’re not in Boston dealing with a tragedy, perhaps us being kinder to everyone, putting what someone needs over maybe what we wanted and doing the “right” thing will make the ripple effect positive and maybe one day, we can build a legacy of love and finally change the world.

I know it’s a message we repeat, but it bears repeating. Love each other. Be kind. Show compassion where there is none & perhaps we’ll all become better people.

The Writer

by maryhelenc, posted in Crazy Talk, My New Life As Me, Relationships, Seriously WTF?, When Things Suck Hard

I stumbled across a blog called Grumpy Comments and it has provided me with great amusement (especially with the how to destroy your copy of the Hobbit post). It’s a fun read, I’d suggest checking it out.

But one thing the writer mentioned this week was the idea that when you’re unhappy, you actually can’t remember what it’s like to be happy (found here).

This is something I have thought about before, and it was refreshing to see someone else feels the same way. Sometimes, even when I was the happiest I have ever been, I often would feel a little bit tainted (as the author put it) because I would start to wonder if my own failings as person would somehow destroy my happy little place. Then, when you’re down and those moments where you were happiest seem so far away, you struggle to remember that moment when you actually were happy. You may have amazing things in your life to be happy about, but you’re so down, that sometimes you can’t remember them. I once knew a person who said that they had no idea how to be happy, that even if they wanted it with their heart & mind, one day, without warning, they would feel unhappy and simply abandon whatever pursuit it was that brought them joy instead of addressing why they felt that way. I told them it seemed like such a sad way to live, giving up on something before you’ve ever really begun.

But why do we do this? Why do we self sabotage happiness? Why can’t we enjoy it? Some people just don’t feel worthy of happiness, some of us are so afraid of spoiling the thing that makes them happy that they’d rather walk away from it, and some of us simply have been hurt so many times that our minds reject the very idea that we’ll actually be happy this time. By the time we’ve stopped analyzing, we’ve likely beaten our happiness into the ground.

Perhaps, we need to remind ourselves that we all deserve happiness, even if sometimes we don’t feel like it. We shouldn’t abandon our pursuit of it and we most certainly shouldn’t beat ourselves up if sometimes we question it, as long as we’re not destructive about it. Perhaps if we shift our focus just a little bit and remind ourselves that our happiness is deserved and worth working through our own inability to see it sometimes.

Storm

by maryhelenc, posted in Crazy Talk, Dear Blank, Douchers, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Relationships, Seriously WTF?, When Things Suck Hard

Normally I write drivel for what I believe is your amusement. Today, I’m writing for myself, to accept a part of me that I’ve hidden (unsuccessfully) for years; my battle with depression.

Throughout my life, I have struggled with depression. I attempted to kill myself @ 10 years old. I stopped eating for a spell in high school when a teacher said I had an “above average weight” (ironically enough, the student she called “fatty” is the one that helped me through it). I let my self esteem deteriorate after two abusive relationships, one in which I was raped & beaten, the marriage where I was told I was fat, ugly & worthless & my only value was to be degraded sexually. I developed PPD after the births of my children. I miscarried three different times and each time I lost my mind. The last two years have been a roller coaster of events, all of which have affected my coping skills. My marriage ended & for the first time in my life, I was on my own & I had never even gone grocery shopping without my ex-husband! I went back to school, jumping into a career path I didn’t think through. I met someone and I fell in love. But with great power comes great responsibilty. I had never had to make choices for myself and I was afraid of messing them up. I was uneasy w/ my academic choice. I had never formed close connections with people before. So, I let my boyfriend walk all over me because I loved him and wanted him to feel safe and understood. I wanted to make him happy, so I kept putting my wants below anything he wanted. I let my friends walk all over me, because I was afraid I’d lose my support system. While I was doing this, I was making myself second best. My friends & my former boyfriend were wonderful and never made me feel unloved or not special, but when they would do something that annoyed me, I would clam up, because I was afraid they would cut me out. I would have trusted these people with my life, but not to remain a part of it and my former boyfriend always wanted to know why I would get overly upset about small things or randomly get super clingy, then flip. He wanted to understand, but the truth was, I didn’t know why. I explained certain things that contributed, but the underlying fear, I honestly couldn’t explain and I was afraid “I don’t know” wouldn’t be enough.

As the months went on, I grew more anxious. I sucked in school. My journalism career was going nowhere. My eldest daughter needed counselling, I bounced a bunch of bill payments and I felt like I was failing. I didn’t have a steady income and I was buried under debt. The final straw? My relationship ended and I broke under the pressure. I moped, because the real problems kept piling up and I felt like I was drowning under a sea of bad choices. I just kept thinking; Why law? Why didn’t you think this through? Why does she have to be on a waiting list, help my kid! Why can’t I help my kid? Why can’t I find a job? Why do I have no motivation to keep my house in order? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?! I had never had to face crisis situations alone, I always had a partner who took control & now it was all on me & I felt like I was doing it all wrong. I was afraid of being judged, labelled crazy or viewed as a liability to the people in my life. I lived in this fishbowl, and I wanted so badly to be the Superwoman persona I made for myself. Superwoman isn’t depressed.

Things improved; my relationship resumed and I was so happy and yet so terrified, because I saw how easily he could leave. I was offered a position @ a new magazine that would allow me to do what I loved full time & I finally felt like I had made it as a writer. But, I was still flailing. I had to do everything I didn’t do when I was busy being miserable & situations were escalating & tense. I didn’t talk about the huge problems because I wanted to do it alone so badly, so I focused on the smallest problem, because I thought if I could fix something little, I could finally feel like I could tackle the growing mountain of laundry and debt (which my counsellor told me is very normal for those who suffer with anxiety). Because I was so skittish in my relationship, I would make mistakes, and I again let him walk all over me. I didn’t say the thing I needed to say, which was that I was scared he’d walk out again any second & please work with me on this so we’re both comfortable. I couldn’t because I thought he’d feel like I was punishing him and he’d leave, which he did. Then I had the guilt of my youngest daughter asking for her best friend, my eldest daughter’s anger at me for making him go away, my middle daughter crying because she loved him & wanted him to be with us…and it was my fault. I hated myself because they were so hurt & when I tried to fix it, I displaced aggression (some justified, some not) and made it worse, strained all of my friendships & I felt like nothing.

My law career continued to flounder; I kept getting the run around at my job. For every major victory (helping my eldest child, finalizing my divorce and removing government prescence from my life), there was a setback someplace else. Suddenly, I felt like all of those insults my ex-husband hurled @ me were validated in my mind. Look, MH couldn’t keep it together! She lost her direction, her boyfriend, her friends and she’s no role model for her daughters. I grew so dependent on everyone to try and help make it okay while pretending I was okay, which of course was a façade that all of my closest friends saw through and grew to resent me, and I grew passive aggressive because I had spent so long feeling like I gave more than I got that I couldn’t see that they were trying to help me. Suddenly, I was the person that I despised. So, I made phone calls, my best friends told me off (which I thank them for, sometimes we need a good kick in the ass to help us realize how far we’ve let ourselves sink. No one ever thinks of how much we’re hurting the people we love most when we’re consumed with sadness, and sometimes it takes them to throw it in your face to help you see that you’re impacting their lives too) and I had a good cry. I realized I had become that thing I used to be; weak, sad, and unable to focus and sometimes even hurtful to people I love. I talked to my doctor and we took an assessment and I suffer from clinical depression and anxiety disorder. I wanted so badly to be in control of my life for the first time ever, that I would have panic attacks when things went wrong. But I wasn’t getting help to get them under control, so the attacks would get worse and last longer until I was living in this constant string of anxiety and fear. My counsellor said I was likely subconsciously pushing everyone away because I hated who I was becoming and I wanted all of these people that I loved so much to leave me alone so they wouldn’t have to put up with me anymore. I was self-sabotaging, because I thought they deserved better than me, so I would subconsciously do things to make them cut me out…only when they left, I felt more broken, because I missed them. Now, I’ve got a plan. Between anti-anxiety medication, exercise, working with a dietician & individual and group counselling, I’m going to finally be the person I’m supposed to be.

Why am I writing this? Because it’s a part of me and I need to accept it. The reason my life is such a mess is because I refused to just admit I needed help, take responsibility and be open. I put up walls so people would think I was invincible. I didn’t trust the people I loved that I felt so overwhelmed with my life that sometimes it felt like I was smothering because everyone said they admired the facade & every time they said they admired me, I wanted to scream “WHY?! I’M THE LAST PERSON YOU SHOULD LOOK UP TO EVER LOOK @ WHAT I’VE DONE TO MY LIFE!” I alienated everyone because I couldn’t just say:

“I’m scared that I can’t do this. I’m scared I’m going to ruin everything and mess up my girls and go broke and never make the effort to be a good housekeeper. I’m scared that I’m not a good friend or partner or parent & a drain on you & that I’m putting too much pressure on all of you & I’ll end up pushing you away. I’ve never been on my own and I want to make the right choices but it scares me to make them. Every time I have to I get scared that I’m doing the wrong thing and the things I’m sure about I keep mucking up. I don’t know why I’m so unhappy, please don’t think I’m insane & please still love me while I make myself better.”

As a writer, I say there should be no stigma, but for over a year (& most of my life), I’ve been so ashamed of knowing I would go through months of sadness & pick an arbitrary reason because the honest truth is, I couldn’t even tell you why I get this way. Part of me hopes maybe I won’t feel like I’m alone, that maybe by finally saying the words I’ve held in, I’ll be able to value myself like I do the people I love…and I’ll finally be a role model for my girls. This is why I often write about the idea that no one is too broken to be loved by someone; it’s my greatest wish…for myself.

Maybe I just martyred myself, or gave people fodder to laugh and for once, I don’t care. I NEED to make myself accountable to follow through with treatment. So, my name is Mary-Helen and I’m a journalist who works in a law office and I also struggle with mental illness. I won’t be magically cured by a pill, but it’s going to help. I’m sometimes going to struggle, sometimes I’m going to cry about nothing and self-sabotage and get lost in meloncholy. But I’m going to also work every day for the rest of my life to make that stop and while I’m not okay right now, I will be.

You Wanted More

by maryhelenc, posted in Mommydom, My New Life As Me, support Windsor!, When Things Suck Hard

After a very weird couple of weeks that involved working when I wasn’t actually employed, I’ve come to a very important decision.

It’s time to retire from the world of journalism.

That’s not to say if a really good paying position opened up that came with an office and a T4, I wouldn’t jump on it, but as it stands, it’s time for me to get a regular 9-5 gig, which is what I’ve been applying for.

It’s just so draining being the editor sometimes. Your ideas are largely ignored, your stories cut, leaving you holding the bag, and your opinions largely dismissed. I’m also tired of the work that I do. Yes, interviewing local artists and celebrities is super fun, but I want to write things that make people think, educate and inform (none of which I do here). I don’t want to sound ungrateful, because I’ve been very blessed to have been afforded the opportunities that I have, but if my heart isn’t in it, then I’m not doing my job well. I post on my blog more frequently when I’m professionally dissatisfied and seeing as I’m posting almost non-stop, it’s a pretty safe bet that my job is not providing the fufillment it once did. Obviously, I can still write, as I have a blog and paper to keep me motivated. Finding an outlet isn’t a problem. Perhaps a break from the actual media world would kick start my interest in the only job I’ve ever wanted to do.

Not to mention I’m a sole support parent who’s education is coming to an end. I need to find something steady to support my family. As my daughter’s father is incapable of helping me support them right now, I’m on my own paying bills, buying clothes, etc. & I need to make sure that their needs are being met. I’m not able to look for another media gig or something in law and stick to only my fields of study. I need to be able to work anywhere so I can support my family.

So, I’m going to work a regular day job, something I haven’t done in two years, as school and media have kept me from doing just that. I’ll apply everywhere and find something, maybe somewhere that isn’t Windsor. As a sole support parent, I need to be open to go where there is a better financial future for my daughters. So, these are all the variables I need to consider. It might be nice just being an employee and punching a clock and not having all the pressure of putting it all together. I think I could even get used to it (until I get frustrated and work to run the company).

The 2013 30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 28

by maryhelenc, posted in ASH Blog Projects, Dear Blank, Douchers, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Quotable Quotes and Potpourri, Relationships, Seriously WTF?, When Things Suck Hard

Day 28: What is your love language?

***Dear readers, I apologize if this is more personal than the general crap that I produce that I pretend people enjoy. I promise to bring my vapidly endearing brand of self-depreciating wit back tomorrow.***

My love language?

I don’t.

My former husband calls me a lot of things; frigid, cold, and a bunch of insults I won’t publish here. I guess in a way, he is right.

I love my daughters, I love my friends. But I don’t love men. Well, not in the conventional sense. I base my relationships on logic. I choose mates based on what makes sense for me, my daughters, does it work on paper, with one exception. My love life mainly consists of first dates that I leave early or never call. The last guy who made it to date two told me that he thought he wanted to get to know me better; I told him I wanted to go home. They didn’t meet my ridiculously long list of criteria that makes the ideal mate. I loved my husband as a companion, as a friend. He offered security in a time when I had none and I became dependent on him for the air I breathed. I took most of his rage because I thought I deserved it because I couldn’t give him the validation he wanted because it just wasn’t there. So, I would be nicer, try to be that perfect wife, but I couldn’t do it. When the marriage was over, I didn’t cry. I missed our friendship, but I didn’t miss being his wife. Matrimony was never high on my list of priorities anyway. It never has been I got married because it’s what you did; you date, you get married. I’ve only wanted that once, for about a month, and then I got really scared that I was going to ruin it and wanted to stay in one place for awhile. I’m scared of the big steps and like to stay where I am. I’ll get excited about the idea of moving forward for a little while, but then I’ll wanna stay in the happy moment, right there and just “be”, because I struggle with the idea of someone getting too close to me, wanting to get inside of my head. It scares me. Even my closest friends don’t know much about me. I claim I’m an open book, but I’m not. I am about my current life, and some of my younger years, but that’s it. I put up walls to keep people out, because I have a heightened fear of abandonment and I’m afraid if people got to know the side of me that is much darker and sadder than the socially awkward, happy go lucky dork, they won’t love me anymore. Anytime someone gets close to me, I get scared that they won’t want me anymore and end up sabotaging the whole thing. I don’t mean to…I just get…scared that if I’m not super woman and just a normal human girl, then I’m not going to be “good enough.” So I go overboard trying to be the best possible MHC so they won’t want to understand why I’ll get so scared over the tiniest thing or sometimes want to stop and be reassured that you won’t go anywhere.

Truthfully, I’ve only truly loved one man. I was attracted to him from our second meeting, so much so, that I had to keep a certain distance (as I was you know, married). He was the exception, he didn’t meet my criteria, was the opposite of everything I had ever looked for. I loved every good, bad and even cruel thing about him. Even when he tore my heart out, I loved him & blamed myself, because he wouldn’t have done it had I not deserved it. I thought he loved me, truly loved me, even though I’m a scatterbrained, sort of crazy nitwit who cries a lot. He even saw that part of me I don’t show people and he still seemed to love me. Because I thought he loved me, I would have given him anything and bent over backwards for him, maybe too much, because he was just so good in my eyes, & I wanted to make him happy. I guess I wanted so badly to make him happy so he would never have to fear getting hurt. If I got hurt, I didn’t care, as long as he knew I couldn’t hurt him ever. I believed every word he said, especially his promise to always come back for me, because even if we got the start wrong, we’d get the ending right. When he was gone (& I realized he wasn’t going to keep that promise), I felt like someone had hacked off a limb, it was like a part of me was gone & I broke down. Me, the girl who didn’t cry when her marriage fell apart, who didn’t cry at the absolute worst moment of her life, just stood there back straight, refusing to give anyone the satisfaction of showing pain, cried like a lost child who didn’t know where to turn. Sometimes I think I’ll always be lost. Never is such a short word but such a long time to live without someone. Ironically, always is a longer word & even longer time, when the one you’ll love always is also your never.

I write about the idea of love, because it fascinates me. The idea of one person who doesn’t share your DNA that you want to spend your life with, are miserable without them and better with them? It sounds so easy but it’s actually so hard. I watch people in love and wonder why it’s not easier. If you love someone, you would do anything to be with them. But no, we let our own baggage, insecurities, hangups, get in the way. We won’t swallow our pride when we fight and admit we were wrong. We don’t tell people when we’re scared.Sometimes we don’t even like that person, but we can’t live without them? People always tell me that you work to make love work, but I’ve never seen anyone do it, myself included. We just walk away when it gets a little hard, then we pretend it’s not eating away at us, but it is. I look at my foster parents, who are still in love after so many years and wonder how we can do that in a disposible world. I could, for the right person, but both people would have to want to and generally that’s not the case, even amongst most of my friends who are married. One is trying while the other isn’t.

“We have to allow ourselves to be loved by the people who really love us, the people who really matter. Too much of the time, we are blinded by our own pursuits of people to love us, people that don’t even matter, while all that time we waste and the people who do love us have to stand on the sidewalk and watch us beg in the streets! It’s time to put an end to this. It’s time for us to let ourselves be loved.”

The 2013 30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 20 & 21

by maryhelenc, posted in ASH Blog Projects, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Seriously WTF?, When Things Suck Hard

Day 20: Describe Three significant moments from your childhood

1. The death of my father. It’s hard enough to lose a parent, especially when you’re little. Daddies are supposed to be invincible. They’re supposed to be able to do everything and they don’t get sick, let alone get cancer and die. I remember my mom telling me that Daddy went to Heaven when I was five and I cried and laid in bed for days. It was brutal. As I got older, I felt the void more, because I knew he wouldn’t walk me down the aisle when I got married, he wouldn’t meet my daughters, etc. Maybe I would have grown up into a better person.

2. Foster home. Nothing like that stigma of being some sort of screwed up kid! Going into foster care was scary and embarrassing and all of a sudden I felt sort of different. I was like a girl without a family, and all I ever wanted was a family…well, a normal one. I was scared and I both wanted and didn’t want to go home. Those are a lot of emotions for a 12 year old girl to process. But I made it through.

3. Moving in w/ my “parents.” Moving in with the foster parents I eventually looked at as my family was the best day of my childhood. I finally had a real family, with two parents and no worries about where the next meal was coming from and parents who helped with homework and vacations and hugs, lots of hugs. This is the family I based my future family around and for the first time in my life I was confident and happy and I felt like a regular teenage girl. My problems were grades and lame boys and fights about shirts. It was the most wonderful part of my childhood, the seven years I spent there.

Day 21: If you could have a superpower, what would it be?

I already have one. I live my life and I haven’t developed a drinking problem yet. I’d say that’s pretty super hahaha.

The 2013 30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 6

by maryhelenc, posted in ASH Blog Projects, My New Life As Me, Relationships, Seriously WTF?, When Things Suck Hard

Day 6: Name the hardest thing you’ve ever had to do.

I’m not one to go on about really personal things on my blog. I prefer high level personal anecdotes. If you only read my blog & did not know me, you likely wouldn’t know intimate details about me & that’s how I like to keep it.

The hardest thing I’ve ever done is something only two people know (besides myself). It relates to a health issue that I dealt with back in August that left me quite ill & some days, just making my daughters breakfast left me so exhausted that I needed to rest. I was very emotional because I had never had to deal with something that serious on my own, with no partner to help me with the kids, or reassure me that I would be okay, which would have been nice as for three weeks I was a human pincushion while medical personnel didn’t know what was wrong & while I was physically recovered by the end of September, it took its toll on me emotionally.

It was rough, but fortunately I had two close friends to help me through. I’m grateful it’s behind me & I truly hope I’m never in a situation like that again.

Explosions

by maryhelenc, posted in ASH Photography, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Quotable Quotes and Potpourri, Relationships, When Things Suck Hard

Last summer, a really good friend of mine suggested that we start attending church. I find it to be a very positive experience and now that my girls are attending as well, I feel like it’s really helping us improve as a family.

Yesterday,  my friend & I were inspired by the sermon we heard. We learned about how Jesus was nearly thrown to his death in his hometown of Nazareth for telling the people something that they did not want to hear. However, eventually the people calmed and let him on his way. This was coupled with the most famous Bible verse on love, which I’ve mentioned on this blog before, but I’ll repost for those who are too lazy to go back and look for it:

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”

It seemed like an odd pairing, as we go from a malicious attack on someone’s character to the gentle promise of love, which I guess it why my friend & I found it so interesting, so much so that I decided to share it with y’all. We all think of Jesus as this gentle, loving creature, but sometimes he was rather harsh and succinct with his comments towards people. He didn’t mince words and told people exactly what they need to hear, even if they didn’t like it. However, once people had a chance to calm down and reflect on his words, they realized that he meant them in the most loving capacity. He used the modern parallel of relationships; sometimes we have to tell our partner something that they don’t want to hear and they lash out, because the natural reaction to harshness is to be harsh back. When someone calls us on our crap, our reaction is to deny and make up excuses. However, once the initial anger dies down, you’re left with the realization that they likely meant no harm, they were reaching out because despite your current interactions, they care for you and wanted to help you. But you just lashed out and lied and hurt them (I know I’ve done this more than I’d care to admit).

Hence why the Reverend brought up Paul’s letter to the Corinthians. Because love doesn’t end. Love cannot fail, even when it seems hopeless, love is still there. Love is not an emotion that is turned off. You can pretend it’s gone, but it’s there, lingering in your mind and no matter how you try to bury it or push it away, it remains constant, in your mind and heart and nothing, not even harsh words or a proverbial kick in the face makes it go away. Sometimes what seems harsh is actually one’s desire to protect the person they love most in the world. But in the end, when cooler heads prevail, you’re left with the realization that the person who seemed harsh, arrogant or even stupid was likely the one person in the world who cared about your feelings the most. But love will never reject you, no matter how stupid you’ve been, which was the lesson our Reverend wanted to convey yesterday. His message was that sometimes we will say something to someone and they will get angry and walk away, ignore you and hurt you. But in the end, they will realize that you said it because you love them…and they will know that you were right and they will eventually tell you. But you have to show the true meaning of love; be patient and let them come to you on their own and when they do, do not dwell on past infractions. Forgive, put them behind you and focus on the fact that you love each other.

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