Category: My New Life As Me

Dying To Live Again

by maryhelenc, posted in Dear Blank, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Quotable Quotes and Potpourri, Relationships

I think I’ve discovered the key to getting through life:

Admitting that you have no idea what you are doing.

I know a great many things about a great many subjects, but when it comes to life, parenting or love, I have no idea what  I am doing.

Sometimes I think I know. Sometimes I am more confident than I am about my own name about the outcome of the latest mess my own stupidity has gotten me into but in the end, I am generally learning lessons by fire and hoping that I get it right in the end. Lately, I have realized that my stupidity tends to cost me some of the best things in my life. I make mistakes and generally ruin everything good that comes into my life and I’m left trying to figure out how to fix it so I don’t mess it all up again. I guess that’s why I know that I never know what I’m doing.

I saw this on Twitter today and I can’t help but think it rings true for all of us:

“Most of the problems in life are caused by two reasons. 1. We act without thinking. 2. We keep thinking without acting.”

I am a notorious over thinker. 85% of my “issues” are imagined and the other 15% are overanalyzed. I know many people who do this, invent problems in their mind and over think them and then commit a rash action. Then, they are left with the consequences of said action and instead of simply fixing it, they think about how to fix it. They take back doors to fix it or they leave it unfixed and end up miserable.

Which is why I have decided that the key to life is the admission that we never really know what we’re doing. There’s no instruction booklet or helpful allen key. We’re simply bound by the choices we make or do not make and in the end, we can benefit or cost ourselves everything. If I had any clue as to what I was doing when it came to life, I would be a much happier MHC. Why? Because I would know how to say the right words, find the right openings and generally make things happen. I can do this in my professional life like you wouldn’t believe. I use my journalist magic and poof! Interviews happen and I’m the proudest little editor in chief in the world! But when it comes to making the right parenting choices every time, understanding my friends or loved ones or saying the right thing to ease the minds of those around me who are scared or confused and I will mess it all up like you wouldn’t believe!

But that’s what we do in life; we mess it all up. We hurt the people we love most in the world or who love us most because we over-think the problems. We hide instead of take that brave first step to right the wrongs, or worse, we take some back road, third party way so that someone else will do most of the legwork to get in and fix it for us (I hate this method, but have been known to use it if there is simply no other solution).

So, why not just admit none of us have a freaking clue what’s going on in our minds at any given time? We’re all confused little bunnies, known to ruin good things by overanalyzing or inventing problems, that we’re afraid to tell those we love how we feel for fear of causing a problem when chances are the problem comes from inaction and that we would rather analyze the mess to death than simply fix it, or we rely on historical precident to guide our actions when perhaps we need to step out of our comfort box and take a bold, brash, step towards our own happiness?

Perhaps.

But what the crap do I know? I just admitted that I don’t know what I’m doing!

Save You

by maryhelenc, posted in Dear Blank, Douchers, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Relationships, Seriously WTF?

Everyone has that moment where it all just comes crashing down.

That was me this week.

Everything I loved about my life (except parenting) suddenly fell apart & I’m left trying to understand.

I’m hurting, I’m wounded & I’m lost. I hate that I’m supposed to be the person that nothing affects but this week has really walloped me.

So, I try to remember all the lessons that I taught myself all of these months; that there’s always a shred of hope in the darkness & sometimes that shred of hope is enough to help you endure. When things look bleakest, you may be closest to your victory. That broken hearts mend & eventually things will be okay.

I know these things, but right now, I just want to feel okay.

Give Up The Grudge

by maryhelenc, posted in Dear Blank, MH vs Dating, My New Life As Me, Relationships, Seriously WTF?

The more time I spend with people, the more that I think half of the universe is bitterable.

Bitterable is a word that I invented which is a hybrid of bitter and miserable. It makes me sad to see so many people that I love so unhappy with the state of their lives and yet, I can’t do anything to help them out with it.

I often get questioned by the people in my life by my ability to trudge along when things get sucky. A recurring conversation between myself and my beau is my indifference towards a former friend who stopped talking to me abruptly (and even took my copy of the Hunger Games and never returned it!), but I never say anything negative or show any distress at their departure. I simply have more important things to focus on than someone who obviously didn’t care enough about the friendship to have a conversation. This applies to many things in my life. I’m quick to forgive and move on because once someone has apologized for said wrong doing & we’ve talked about it, we should probably go forward.

Several people I know are still angry with their partners for things that happened months, even years ago. Things that should have been resolved at the time. I’m not talking about the residual hurt or the rebuilding of trust, those linger for months on end. Mentioning residual hurt doesn’t have to involve throwing it back in the person’s face, simply expressing that you were hurt and that’s why you do certain things or get emotional about certain things is well enough. If someone cares enough about you (and has any self awareness at all), they should have some patience for your concerns. I’m one of those people that will annoy someone with questions such as; are things fine, are we good now, do you mean it, etc. and chances are I drive the other person absolutely bonkers, but it’s my way of feeling secure again after something goes wrong. There’s nothing wrong with needing reassurance, or even with feeling hurt long after the action/infraction is over.  However, holding on to the residual anger, or worse, stewing for years is just a ticking time bomb. If you’ve said you’ve forgiven them, then drop it and try to overcome the hurt, because they’ve acknowledged their wrong doing, why make them suffer? If they were truly sorry, then they’ll demonstrate the appropriate behaviour and you’ll feel better and more secure eventually, but it’s up to you to feel better, not the other person to make you feel better.

Holding a grudge is like drinking poison and hoping the other person will die; you’re only hurting yourself. The person you’re angry at likely doesn’t know or care that you’re still pissed about the infraction from years ago and that’s why you end up bitterable. I think about people who are still angry about things that happened in high school, even though they graduated 10 years ago, or are still mad at their relationship crumbling a year later. I can understand hurt, or not ready to open oneself up to a new relationship, but to still be angry is a little silly.

My foster father once said that if it won’t affect you three days from now, or an apology can fix it, it’s not worth being angry about. It’s a lesson I’ve tried to adopt into my daily life. I still get hurt and angry, but I try very hard not to let it impact my relationships with other people. I’m simply too busy to end up bitterable & I would be very upset to learn that people were still angry with me for things that I had done and apologized for.

Part of Me

by maryhelenc, posted in Dear Blank, Douchers, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Relationships, Seriously WTF?

A year ago today I made the biggest decision of my adult life; I ended my marriage.

I’m not a “look back” sort of person; I’m not going that way. However, I couldn’t help but look at where I am right now as opposed to then.

He said I was worthless & wouldn’t last 10 minutes. I’ve been on my own for a year. Maybe I didn’t make the best choices every time or carry myself in the best way but every choice I made was mine and mine alone, with no fear of being called names or spat on.

I have an amazing group of friends who supported me & weren’t afraid to call me out when I was doing something dumb. I wouldn’t be the person I am without them, especially Drew. He was my cheerleader, therapist, companion & sounding board. He helped me see I was okay on my own & because of that I’m a better person for it. I can’t ever tell him enough how much I appreciate him. I found someone who wants me & my daughters because of who we are, not because of what we can give them.

A year ago, I wondered who I would be when I wasn’t a wife. Now I know; I’m Mary-Helen. I’m a mom. I’m a friend. I’m a girlfriend. I’m a writer. I’m a klutz. I sing too loudly with the radio & tell unfunny jokes. I apologize too much & I suck at math. I’m not perfect, I screw up, I irritate people but I’m well meaning & in the end, that’s what matters. That’s me & I think that’s pretty okay.

Marry You

by maryhelenc, posted in Celebrity Fluff, Dear Blank, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Relationships, support Windsor!

Weddings. Ugh.

One of my best friends celebrated her one year anniversary this week. I visited her the day after their anniversary and she said to me, “It’s been a year, but I love that broad more than the day I married her.” I had to crack up at the sentiment.

The same day, my middle daughter looked at me @ the dinner table and asked “Mommy, will you and your boyfriend get married? Because I think you should.” I choked on my food.

This all comes on the heels of my friend Nikki (from MisterMamaSir) showing my beau the wedding invitations that she decided would be perfect for our wedding. (They are nice, check them out HERE) He seemed interested; I may have thrown up.

I’ve made no secret that I really don’t want to remarry (despite my beau saying that he thinks he could change my mind if he suddenly wanted to) but my happily married friend this week actually asked me WHY. My therapist asked the same question and I couldn’t actually provide an answer. I really didn’t know “why”, just that it seemed like a really horrible idea.

I’ve been married and I’m finalizing my divorce. I’ve always said I can’t say never, because the person who says never usually does it. However, the whole idea scares me. I can gladly picture my entire life with one person. I see no problem with the idea of spending my life with one person. I’ve talked about spending my life with one person and nobody needed to breathe into a bag. But mention marriage and I turn pale and hyperventilate.

I guess there should be a reason, right? It’s not just the idea of the legalities that closes off this idea to me. But the fact that I’m totally cool with someone telling me they want to spend the rest of their life with the girls and me is perfectly okay, just not the idea of the wedding and the insanity and the in laws and the fighting and stress of planning with no guarentees that it’s going to work out…of course there’s no guarentees that any relationship will work out.

I hate when I have to tell Drew he is right, but he is; I need to address my fear of matrimony…and my fear of geese. I’m not saying I want to get married now (or ever), but I think I do have to be more open to changing my mind about the subject (I’m not open to the idea of embracing geese though, those things are just evil). Much like other things within a relationship, when one firmly says “No dice” on something with no option of compromise, whether it’s something as small as dinner reservations to as large as kids and family, you’re closing off the ability to grow as a couple, or so the therapist keeps telling me. So, being more open to options and your partner’s wishes gives you the option to be more successful in your relationship. Things change all of the time and you need to be willing to change with it. If you really love someone and want to be with them, you have to evolve with them. If one of you continues to grow while the other remains static; the relationship fails.

So, while I currently have no desire to walk down another aisle or hug a goose, I have to be open to the idea that it may be something that I want someday. Who knows? Maybe I won’t and my partner won’t and we’ll be like Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell and live in sin until we die, because that’s how we both want it, not because one is unwilling to consider any other option.