Category: Mommydom

Life Is Waiting

by maryhelenc, posted in Dear Blank, Douchers, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Quotable Quotes and Potpourri, WWE Wrasslin'

In the words of the late Owen Hart:

“Enough is enough & it’s time for a change.”

My life has been in this sort of holding pattern & I feel stuck.

Truthfully, my life hasn’t really been my own for a long time. I like to pretend it is, but it hasn’t been. The divorce & custody proceedings have kept me from adequately planning a future. For six months, I’ve kept my personal life on hold because I believed a person who promised me they would always come back for me, no matter what. So, I waited, rejecting any possible suitor because I trusted that he’d come back for me like he said he would. The divorce is final, & people break promises every day (the MH fatal flaw, believing in promises & holding them sacred). Law is definitely not for me & my media prospects are limited, & this leaves me spinning my wheels, wondering what to do.

I’m professionally dissatisfied, personally dissatisfied & just kind of blah. So, I need to start coming up with a plan to make my future more what I’d like it to be, instead of waiting, hoping it’ll all just fall into place. I need to take control of my life & make it work for me, no more excuses.

First thing is a career change, one that requires an education that is only offered far from Windsor. It’d be a better fit for me, something more people focused & less paperwork. Perhaps leaving Windsor is what I need. You can’t wait for something that is never coming if you’re not near it. Maybe putting as much space there will make it easier, because I don’t want to keep waiting for something that just won’t happen. The one thing that worries me most is leaving my good friends to venture somewhere that I don’t know anyone. But I didn’t know anyone when I moved to Windsor & I met amazing people. Maybe it’ll happen again. I’d only be a train ride away & technology will keep us in touch too. However, I’m not sure that I want to leave town to pursue a career that may or may not be right for me. Then I’d be far from my support system and still have no clear direction.

There’s also the girls to consider. They need their Dad & I’m not sure how he’d feel about us leaving. Obviously, we’d need to work that out and I’m not sure how well that would go, seeing as he has no access to transportation, which would impede him from being able to see them on a regular basis, which isn’t something I want to restrict the girls from.

Truthfully, this is only one plan. Plans change all of the time. But I definitely need to figure out where & who I want to be so I can do that. I’m not good @ complacency, I need to start achieving…once I figure out what that is.

Just A Fool

by maryhelenc, posted in Celebrity Fluff, Current Events, Douchers, Mommydom, Seriously WTF?, Social Media, Television

I’m always amused (and sometimes disgusted) by the internet.

People hide behind their keyboards and tear everyone around them apart behind user names and the like and use the concept of internet anonymity and free speech to defend their rights to be evil people.

I don’t believe in internet anonymity. Sorry, but it’s bullcrap. I use my real name on my Facebook account, Twitter too. I don’t hide behind an alias so employers can’t find me, post on websites like People and EW.com under my real name and my blog’s comments are moderated and my site has security. If you wouldn’t say it to someone’s face, you shouldn’t be able to do it on the internet.

Which brings me to my point. People magazine posted a photo a slimmer and more natural Christina Aguilera at the premiere of the Voice. The comments from supposed adults ranged from complimentary to comments of “she’s still a pig” or oinking. These comments are likely from the very same people who wonder where these kids get the idea that bullying other kids online is okay.

I love Christina Aguilera. I’ve made no secret about it. She’s a talented woman who gives no eff about what you think of her. She’s gonna wear tight clothes and dye her hair pink and wear ridiculous makeup and she doesn’t care. Why? Because she is comfortable and happy. I don’t always agree with the clothing choices of my friends (or my 6yo, who dresses in a way that can only be described as her), but she’s happy, so who cares? This is the lesson we should be teaching women. Wear what you want. Cut your hair how you want. Whatever. As long as you show people respect, your body is your own.

We live in this weird world where we judge women by their haircuts, the length of their skirts, the tightness of their tops and their makeup instead of by what we can do and then pretend to be outraged when the news focuses on the “promising futures” of convicted rapists. We hide behind righteous indignation, claiming that we feel for that poor girl for being judged for what she drank or wore, but then turn around and call Kim Kardashian a slut or Chrisitna Aguilera a pig. Why would a man look at a woman in a short skirt and not devalue her when we all do the same thing under a username behind a keyboard?

We can’t teach our children to stop bullying when we do it too. We are adults, we need to set the example and look at how we address people. We need to stop using the excuse that “they’re famous so they expect it” when we call Miley a “butch” or a “troll” and “She knew what she was getting into” when the girl in our friends Facebook photo wore the short skirt. Even if you use a user name and hide behind a keyboard, you know who you are and what you’re projecting and if you wouldn’t want it said to your sister/daughter/best friend, you probably shouldn’t say it about anyone.

Mirrors

by maryhelenc, posted in Celebrity Fluff, Dorkdom, Mommydom, Quotable Quotes and Potpourri, Relationships

“One of the greatest gifts you can give anybody is the gift of your honest self…”

Yesterday marked the birthday of one of the greatest minds in the history of everything; Mr. Rogers.

Yes, Mr. Rogers was a freaking genius. He believed in handling things in his life with quiet honesty, talking to children like they were actual people, and helping them understand the world with gentle guidance and patience, something the modern world is missing. Mr. Rogers was a genuinely good man, who loved God, wore sweaters made by his mother and was devoted to his wife until his passing in 2003. He was arguably one of the most beautiful souls on Earth and I’m so glad his family decided to continue his legacy by recreating the world of make believe on Daniel Tiger’s Neighbourhood, a favourite of my three year old.

Mr. Rogers believed that kids could spot a phoney from a mile away, which is true (nothing is crueller IMO than hurting a child. If a child truly loves you, adores you, and thinks you’re special and you hurt them or walk out on them, then you should reevaluate who you are as a person, because you’re probably horrible), so he opted to be as honest and kind as he could, so that children knew he cared about them. He taught them such things as it’s okay to get mad, as long as we don’t hurt people. It’s okay to be hurt and it’s okay to feel sad. Mr. Rogers helped kids to understand that it’s okay to have feelings.

Mr. Rogers also believed that love was the most important thing ever. He said the greatest lesson we could teach someone is that we love them and that they were capable of being loved and giving love, something we as adults lost somewhere along the way. One thing that he wanted to remind people was “Love isn’t a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun like struggle. To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now.” Another lesson lost on adults. Sometimes, we love people. Sometimes, they suck. Sometimes, you suck. Sometimes, we all suck. But we expect everyone to understand our flaws while rejecting the other person’s. We expect perfection while demanding acceptance.

Maybe I really am just a naive person with a child-like outlook @ the world, but I like how Mr. Rogers looks @ things. It’s okay to be angry/sad/kooky/batsh*t crazy and you’re still worthy of being loved. You’ll eff up royally and you still deserve to be loved and you can still love people even when they aren’t perfect. In fact, it’s totally okay. All of your emotions are valid and it’s okay to talk about them and kindness works so much better than cruelty. It just all sounds so much better than tearing each other apart, driving people away and doing terrible things to one another. I think I’d like the world a lot better if we adopted Mr. Rogers’s school of thought, maybe we would enjoy being neighbours.

My Blog Knows What You Did In The Dark

by maryhelenc, posted in Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Seriously WTF?

Apparently I sweat the small stuff.

I don’t get angry or frustrated at huge issues, but the small ones drive me bananas.

When my life is hectic and there are eleventy billion major issues going on in my life, it’s no thing. However, there will be one teensy problem, one minor issue and it will drive me NUTS to the point where I obsess and become insufferable because I just want to fix that tiny problem.

I’ve always had this belief that life is like the messy garage. That garage looks so overwhelming with piles of boxes and crap everywhere and that stack of stuff may just fall on your head. So, I’ll pick up a broom and sweep the floor. For some reason, sweeping the floor will help me want to tackle the giant job because Look! I swept the floor! Sure, it seems so small and really effing miniscule, but I tackled something and good for me! It helps me feel like I can take on all of the big problems.

I always feel this way in my real life. I hate the feeling that I can’t handle my life, because I need to feel like I’m not screwing up. So, I will talk to my friends about the stress of a super tiny, unimportant problem and drive everyone batty, but it’s only because the big stuff feels so…big, so I’ll talk about the little thing because I can fix the little thing quickly. It’ll take two seconds to fix that little thing and then I can fix the big things, because I fixed that little minor issue and that means I have problem solving skills! I’m so determined to handle all of my major issues alone, that I get stuck asking for help. So instead, I focus on a small issue, something that I feel I can fix, which will help me feel confident handling the big stuff.

So, if I seem overly fixated on my incorrect coffee order, or that issue with my phone bill, or something equally as inane, it’s because there are likely a ton of other things I’m struggling to deal with on my own. Perhaps I need to stop trying so hard to be super human MHC and actually ask for help when things go awry instead of drive everyone crazy by focusing on that tiny, unimportant thing that in the long run seems so pointless. Maybe I need to reevaluate my thinking and find a balance, so I don’t feel like I’m surrendering my independence by asking for help for the big stuff and stop thinking fixing the small stuff will help me handle the big stuff. Maybe then my messed up coffee order or that inane problem won’t become such a sticking point and I can learn to stop sweating the small stuff.

Here By Me

by maryhelenc, posted in Dorkdom, Mommydom, MusicIsLifeIsMusicIsLife, My New Life As Me, Quotable Quotes and Potpourri

“I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living.”

One of my best friends hates going out with Drew and I.

Apparently…we’re…children.

Drew & I are just silly. We sing along with the mall music, skip, order our Yogen Fruz in a Swedish accent and firmly believe in the area code rule, where we get to act as ridiculous as we want as long as we’re in a different area code. I wear a Pikachu hoodie in public (which I get a lot of compliments for, people love Pikachu) so my concern about what people think of me isn’t that high; Drew cares even less. Her logic is “What will people think?” Well, they are total strangers, so…uh…who cares?

487846_443620172387588_355742024_n

Life isn’t that serious. While yes, there are aspects of life that should be taken seriously, like employment, or parenting (which should also be fun. We as parents need to learn to be silly, make faces and sing songs and let kids enjoy being children by getting down to their level, not the other way around) and relationships, but when we’re old and gray and on our deathbed, we’re not going to remember those moments that we paid the gas bill, or that boring trip to the mall where we bought socks and went home, or the time someone wasn’t there. We’re going to remember fun filled adventures, warm moments, love in our heart and the times someone was there. We waste time worrying what people think about choices that don’t really affect them and impact our own lives instead of doing what’s best for us and our families. We spend too much time worrying about being judged by the company we keep, even though that company may be the best person for us. My friends aren’t necessarily the “best” people in the world. Maybe their ethics aren’t the same as mine or aren’t as educated or maybe are completely insane. But they’re awesome, so meh.

Let’s stop taking life so darn seriously and enjoy it more! It’s okay to be silly, goofy and just plain weird. Not everything is this super serious moment of truth; sometimes it’s just going to the bookstore. So, let’s save the seriousness for the moments that need it and enjoy the rest of them in our own unique way.

You Wanted More

by maryhelenc, posted in Mommydom, My New Life As Me, support Windsor!, When Things Suck Hard

After a very weird couple of weeks that involved working when I wasn’t actually employed, I’ve come to a very important decision.

It’s time to retire from the world of journalism.

That’s not to say if a really good paying position opened up that came with an office and a T4, I wouldn’t jump on it, but as it stands, it’s time for me to get a regular 9-5 gig, which is what I’ve been applying for.

It’s just so draining being the editor sometimes. Your ideas are largely ignored, your stories cut, leaving you holding the bag, and your opinions largely dismissed. I’m also tired of the work that I do. Yes, interviewing local artists and celebrities is super fun, but I want to write things that make people think, educate and inform (none of which I do here). I don’t want to sound ungrateful, because I’ve been very blessed to have been afforded the opportunities that I have, but if my heart isn’t in it, then I’m not doing my job well. I post on my blog more frequently when I’m professionally dissatisfied and seeing as I’m posting almost non-stop, it’s a pretty safe bet that my job is not providing the fufillment it once did. Obviously, I can still write, as I have a blog and paper to keep me motivated. Finding an outlet isn’t a problem. Perhaps a break from the actual media world would kick start my interest in the only job I’ve ever wanted to do.

Not to mention I’m a sole support parent who’s education is coming to an end. I need to find something steady to support my family. As my daughter’s father is incapable of helping me support them right now, I’m on my own paying bills, buying clothes, etc. & I need to make sure that their needs are being met. I’m not able to look for another media gig or something in law and stick to only my fields of study. I need to be able to work anywhere so I can support my family.

So, I’m going to work a regular day job, something I haven’t done in two years, as school and media have kept me from doing just that. I’ll apply everywhere and find something, maybe somewhere that isn’t Windsor. As a sole support parent, I need to be open to go where there is a better financial future for my daughters. So, these are all the variables I need to consider. It might be nice just being an employee and punching a clock and not having all the pressure of putting it all together. I think I could even get used to it (until I get frustrated and work to run the company).

You Make It Real

by maryhelenc, posted in Douchers, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Quotable Quotes and Potpourri, Relationships, Seriously WTF?

“Is it possible that all the horrible things you’ve done have been forgotten by everyone-except yourself?”

Have you ever done something so super horrible that you can’t forgive yourself?

Sure you have. We all have.

Guilt is a funny sort of thing. I have all kinds of guilt. I feel guilty when I’m working because I’m not spending enough time with the kids. I feel guilty for just wanting 20 minutes in the bathtub by myself. I feel guilty for things that aren’t necessarily my control. It sucks, but that’s how life sort of works. We’re always going to feel some kind if guilt.

However, we can’t feel guilt if we don’t care. I love my girls beyond reason so that’s why I feel guilt when I can’t give them what they want. You cannot feel guilty for an action towards someone you do not care about, so when you feel guilty about something, you need to look @ why.

Most of us don’t let the guilt go. We hold onto it, envelop ourselves in it & pretend we’re cool, when we’re actually struggling. We’ll pretend we’re doing the right thing when in reality, all we’re doing is hurting everyone much deeper because we want to punish ourselves for what we feel we have done.

My daughters don’t punish or shame me because I sometimes have to work. We just make the next day better. But humans have this mad desire to make things equal, when no relationship is ever equal. Parent-child isn’t equal, sibling is not equal, and even lover-partner is never truly equal. One will always care more than the other. One will always be more capable of hurting the other. One will always feel like the other is “better”. But the thing is that we should use that feeling to drive us to be better people, the person they see in us, so we don’t have to feel guilty anymore.

Hiding from guilt doesn’t make it disappear. Pretending it isn’t there only means you’ll feel it later. The only way to truly be free of guilt is to face it, atone for it & do your best to make it right. I can’t always make it up to the girls when I have to work, but I can do my best to make the next day better, because what they need is time with me & they’re happy. Chances are, the solution is simple & the guilt will be gone, because you’ve finally done what will make everyone happy, & you’ll be happy because you don’t have to live with that feeling of regret & remorse anymore.

The 2013 30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 30

by maryhelenc, posted in ASH Blog Projects, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, MusicIsLifeIsMusicIsLife

Day 30: 10 things you would want to be remembered for.

There’s more than just 10. I want to be known as a good mom who tried her best for her kids, a good friend, the love of someone’s life, someone who made a difference, the best damn writer I could be. I don’t want to be a nother person who just existed.

But I’ll let Beyonce explain it better than I ever could.

The 2013 30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 28

by maryhelenc, posted in ASH Blog Projects, Dear Blank, Douchers, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Quotable Quotes and Potpourri, Relationships, Seriously WTF?, When Things Suck Hard

Day 28: What is your love language?

***Dear readers, I apologize if this is more personal than the general crap that I produce that I pretend people enjoy. I promise to bring my vapidly endearing brand of self-depreciating wit back tomorrow.***

My love language?

I don’t.

My former husband calls me a lot of things; frigid, cold, and a bunch of insults I won’t publish here. I guess in a way, he is right.

I love my daughters, I love my friends. But I don’t love men. Well, not in the conventional sense. I base my relationships on logic. I choose mates based on what makes sense for me, my daughters, does it work on paper, with one exception. My love life mainly consists of first dates that I leave early or never call. The last guy who made it to date two told me that he thought he wanted to get to know me better; I told him I wanted to go home. They didn’t meet my ridiculously long list of criteria that makes the ideal mate. I loved my husband as a companion, as a friend. He offered security in a time when I had none and I became dependent on him for the air I breathed. I took most of his rage because I thought I deserved it because I couldn’t give him the validation he wanted because it just wasn’t there. So, I would be nicer, try to be that perfect wife, but I couldn’t do it. When the marriage was over, I didn’t cry. I missed our friendship, but I didn’t miss being his wife. Matrimony was never high on my list of priorities anyway. It never has been I got married because it’s what you did; you date, you get married. I’ve only wanted that once, for about a month, and then I got really scared that I was going to ruin it and wanted to stay in one place for awhile. I’m scared of the big steps and like to stay where I am. I’ll get excited about the idea of moving forward for a little while, but then I’ll wanna stay in the happy moment, right there and just “be”, because I struggle with the idea of someone getting too close to me, wanting to get inside of my head. It scares me. Even my closest friends don’t know much about me. I claim I’m an open book, but I’m not. I am about my current life, and some of my younger years, but that’s it. I put up walls to keep people out, because I have a heightened fear of abandonment and I’m afraid if people got to know the side of me that is much darker and sadder than the socially awkward, happy go lucky dork, they won’t love me anymore. Anytime someone gets close to me, I get scared that they won’t want me anymore and end up sabotaging the whole thing. I don’t mean to…I just get…scared that if I’m not super woman and just a normal human girl, then I’m not going to be “good enough.” So I go overboard trying to be the best possible MHC so they won’t want to understand why I’ll get so scared over the tiniest thing or sometimes want to stop and be reassured that you won’t go anywhere.

Truthfully, I’ve only truly loved one man. I was attracted to him from our second meeting, so much so, that I had to keep a certain distance (as I was you know, married). He was the exception, he didn’t meet my criteria, was the opposite of everything I had ever looked for. I loved every good, bad and even cruel thing about him. Even when he tore my heart out, I loved him & blamed myself, because he wouldn’t have done it had I not deserved it. I thought he loved me, truly loved me, even though I’m a scatterbrained, sort of crazy nitwit who cries a lot. He even saw that part of me I don’t show people and he still seemed to love me. Because I thought he loved me, I would have given him anything and bent over backwards for him, maybe too much, because he was just so good in my eyes, & I wanted to make him happy. I guess I wanted so badly to make him happy so he would never have to fear getting hurt. If I got hurt, I didn’t care, as long as he knew I couldn’t hurt him ever. I believed every word he said, especially his promise to always come back for me, because even if we got the start wrong, we’d get the ending right. When he was gone (& I realized he wasn’t going to keep that promise), I felt like someone had hacked off a limb, it was like a part of me was gone & I broke down. Me, the girl who didn’t cry when her marriage fell apart, who didn’t cry at the absolute worst moment of her life, just stood there back straight, refusing to give anyone the satisfaction of showing pain, cried like a lost child who didn’t know where to turn. Sometimes I think I’ll always be lost. Never is such a short word but such a long time to live without someone. Ironically, always is a longer word & even longer time, when the one you’ll love always is also your never.

I write about the idea of love, because it fascinates me. The idea of one person who doesn’t share your DNA that you want to spend your life with, are miserable without them and better with them? It sounds so easy but it’s actually so hard. I watch people in love and wonder why it’s not easier. If you love someone, you would do anything to be with them. But no, we let our own baggage, insecurities, hangups, get in the way. We won’t swallow our pride when we fight and admit we were wrong. We don’t tell people when we’re scared.Sometimes we don’t even like that person, but we can’t live without them? People always tell me that you work to make love work, but I’ve never seen anyone do it, myself included. We just walk away when it gets a little hard, then we pretend it’s not eating away at us, but it is. I look at my foster parents, who are still in love after so many years and wonder how we can do that in a disposible world. I could, for the right person, but both people would have to want to and generally that’s not the case, even amongst most of my friends who are married. One is trying while the other isn’t.

“We have to allow ourselves to be loved by the people who really love us, the people who really matter. Too much of the time, we are blinded by our own pursuits of people to love us, people that don’t even matter, while all that time we waste and the people who do love us have to stand on the sidewalk and watch us beg in the streets! It’s time to put an end to this. It’s time for us to let ourselves be loved.”

The 2013 30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 22 & 23

by maryhelenc, posted in ASH Blog Projects, ASH General, Mommydom, My New Life As Me

Day 22: Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years? 15 years?

I never know how to answer these questions. Mainly because they are dumb.

I don’t know where I see myself because I’m not one of those long term vision sort of people. The most I can set a timeline for is maybe a year and that’s if I have to plan something that takes that long. I’m more of a “wait and see” person.

I hate thinking too far ahead because then I worry that I’m missing out on the moment. Sometimes I think about the girls going to prom or maybe an upcoming birthday, but never too far ahead. I guess I’m just not that person.

I guess I would see myself hopefully more financially secure, happier, and maybe have a nice RRSP and a house or something. I’ll continue to write and people will continue to pretend it’s interesting and I will still really hate geese.

Day 23: List your 5 hobbies and why you love them.

I don’t have five. I have one. Writing. We’ve been over this stupid blog challenge. Writing is all MH does. It’s all MH knows how to do. It’s the only talent I have (well, some people say I can sing and I’m apparently rather charming). Writing is the answer to all of these questions. I love writing, I love the ability to tell and retell a story. I love the idea that people read something I wrote and maybe care for 35 seconds. I love writing letters to people I care about and hope they love them and maybe save them. I hope someday I write something so powerful that it changes someone’s perception when they read it and I truly believe someday I will write something and all of my dreams for my life will come true as a result.

So…hobbies 1-5? Writing.