Category: Mommydom

The 2013 30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 28

by maryhelenc, posted in ASH Blog Projects, Dear Blank, Douchers, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Quotable Quotes and Potpourri, Relationships, Seriously WTF?, When Things Suck Hard

Day 28: What is your love language?

***Dear readers, I apologize if this is more personal than the general crap that I produce that I pretend people enjoy. I promise to bring my vapidly endearing brand of self-depreciating wit back tomorrow.***

My love language?

I don’t.

My former husband calls me a lot of things; frigid, cold, and a bunch of insults I won’t publish here. I guess in a way, he is right.

I love my daughters, I love my friends. But I don’t love men. Well, not in the conventional sense. I base my relationships on logic. I choose mates based on what makes sense for me, my daughters, does it work on paper, with one exception. My love life mainly consists of first dates that I leave early or never call. The last guy who made it to date two told me that he thought he wanted to get to know me better; I told him I wanted to go home. They didn’t meet my ridiculously long list of criteria that makes the ideal mate. I loved my husband as a companion, as a friend. He offered security in a time when I had none and I became dependent on him for the air I breathed. I took most of his rage because I thought I deserved it because I couldn’t give him the validation he wanted because it just wasn’t there. So, I would be nicer, try to be that perfect wife, but I couldn’t do it. When the marriage was over, I didn’t cry. I missed our friendship, but I didn’t miss being his wife. Matrimony was never high on my list of priorities anyway. It never has been I got married because it’s what you did; you date, you get married. I’ve only wanted that once, for about a month, and then I got really scared that I was going to ruin it and wanted to stay in one place for awhile. I’m scared of the big steps and like to stay where I am. I’ll get excited about the idea of moving forward for a little while, but then I’ll wanna stay in the happy moment, right there and just “be”, because I struggle with the idea of someone getting too close to me, wanting to get inside of my head. It scares me. Even my closest friends don’t know much about me. I claim I’m an open book, but I’m not. I am about my current life, and some of my younger years, but that’s it. I put up walls to keep people out, because I have a heightened fear of abandonment and I’m afraid if people got to know the side of me that is much darker and sadder than the socially awkward, happy go lucky dork, they won’t love me anymore. Anytime someone gets close to me, I get scared that they won’t want me anymore and end up sabotaging the whole thing. I don’t mean to…I just get…scared that if I’m not super woman and just a normal human girl, then I’m not going to be “good enough.” So I go overboard trying to be the best possible MHC so they won’t want to understand why I’ll get so scared over the tiniest thing or sometimes want to stop and be reassured that you won’t go anywhere.

Truthfully, I’ve only truly loved one man. I was attracted to him from our second meeting, so much so, that I had to keep a certain distance (as I was you know, married). He was the exception, he didn’t meet my criteria, was the opposite of everything I had ever looked for. I loved every good, bad and even cruel thing about him. Even when he tore my heart out, I loved him & blamed myself, because he wouldn’t have done it had I not deserved it. I thought he loved me, truly loved me, even though I’m a scatterbrained, sort of crazy nitwit who cries a lot. He even saw that part of me I don’t show people and he still seemed to love me. Because I thought he loved me, I would have given him anything and bent over backwards for him, maybe too much, because he was just so good in my eyes, & I wanted to make him happy. I guess I wanted so badly to make him happy so he would never have to fear getting hurt. If I got hurt, I didn’t care, as long as he knew I couldn’t hurt him ever. I believed every word he said, especially his promise to always come back for me, because even if we got the start wrong, we’d get the ending right. When he was gone (& I realized he wasn’t going to keep that promise), I felt like someone had hacked off a limb, it was like a part of me was gone & I broke down. Me, the girl who didn’t cry when her marriage fell apart, who didn’t cry at the absolute worst moment of her life, just stood there back straight, refusing to give anyone the satisfaction of showing pain, cried like a lost child who didn’t know where to turn. Sometimes I think I’ll always be lost. Never is such a short word but such a long time to live without someone. Ironically, always is a longer word & even longer time, when the one you’ll love always is also your never.

I write about the idea of love, because it fascinates me. The idea of one person who doesn’t share your DNA that you want to spend your life with, are miserable without them and better with them? It sounds so easy but it’s actually so hard. I watch people in love and wonder why it’s not easier. If you love someone, you would do anything to be with them. But no, we let our own baggage, insecurities, hangups, get in the way. We won’t swallow our pride when we fight and admit we were wrong. We don’t tell people when we’re scared.Sometimes we don’t even like that person, but we can’t live without them? People always tell me that you work to make love work, but I’ve never seen anyone do it, myself included. We just walk away when it gets a little hard, then we pretend it’s not eating away at us, but it is. I look at my foster parents, who are still in love after so many years and wonder how we can do that in a disposible world. I could, for the right person, but both people would have to want to and generally that’s not the case, even amongst most of my friends who are married. One is trying while the other isn’t.

“We have to allow ourselves to be loved by the people who really love us, the people who really matter. Too much of the time, we are blinded by our own pursuits of people to love us, people that don’t even matter, while all that time we waste and the people who do love us have to stand on the sidewalk and watch us beg in the streets! It’s time to put an end to this. It’s time for us to let ourselves be loved.”

The 2013 30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 22 & 23

by maryhelenc, posted in ASH Blog Projects, ASH General, Mommydom, My New Life As Me

Day 22: Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years? 15 years?

I never know how to answer these questions. Mainly because they are dumb.

I don’t know where I see myself because I’m not one of those long term vision sort of people. The most I can set a timeline for is maybe a year and that’s if I have to plan something that takes that long. I’m more of a “wait and see” person.

I hate thinking too far ahead because then I worry that I’m missing out on the moment. Sometimes I think about the girls going to prom or maybe an upcoming birthday, but never too far ahead. I guess I’m just not that person.

I guess I would see myself hopefully more financially secure, happier, and maybe have a nice RRSP and a house or something. I’ll continue to write and people will continue to pretend it’s interesting and I will still really hate geese.

Day 23: List your 5 hobbies and why you love them.

I don’t have five. I have one. Writing. We’ve been over this stupid blog challenge. Writing is all MH does. It’s all MH knows how to do. It’s the only talent I have (well, some people say I can sing and I’m apparently rather charming). Writing is the answer to all of these questions. I love writing, I love the ability to tell and retell a story. I love the idea that people read something I wrote and maybe care for 35 seconds. I love writing letters to people I care about and hope they love them and maybe save them. I hope someday I write something so powerful that it changes someone’s perception when they read it and I truly believe someday I will write something and all of my dreams for my life will come true as a result.

So…hobbies 1-5? Writing.

The 2013 30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 20 & 21

by maryhelenc, posted in ASH Blog Projects, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Seriously WTF?, When Things Suck Hard

Day 20: Describe Three significant moments from your childhood

1. The death of my father. It’s hard enough to lose a parent, especially when you’re little. Daddies are supposed to be invincible. They’re supposed to be able to do everything and they don’t get sick, let alone get cancer and die. I remember my mom telling me that Daddy went to Heaven when I was five and I cried and laid in bed for days. It was brutal. As I got older, I felt the void more, because I knew he wouldn’t walk me down the aisle when I got married, he wouldn’t meet my daughters, etc. Maybe I would have grown up into a better person.

2. Foster home. Nothing like that stigma of being some sort of screwed up kid! Going into foster care was scary and embarrassing and all of a sudden I felt sort of different. I was like a girl without a family, and all I ever wanted was a family…well, a normal one. I was scared and I both wanted and didn’t want to go home. Those are a lot of emotions for a 12 year old girl to process. But I made it through.

3. Moving in w/ my “parents.” Moving in with the foster parents I eventually looked at as my family was the best day of my childhood. I finally had a real family, with two parents and no worries about where the next meal was coming from and parents who helped with homework and vacations and hugs, lots of hugs. This is the family I based my future family around and for the first time in my life I was confident and happy and I felt like a regular teenage girl. My problems were grades and lame boys and fights about shirts. It was the most wonderful part of my childhood, the seven years I spent there.

Day 21: If you could have a superpower, what would it be?

I already have one. I live my life and I haven’t developed a drinking problem yet. I’d say that’s pretty super hahaha.

The 2013 30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 19

by maryhelenc, posted in ASH Blog Projects, Fitnesslicious, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, WWE Wrasslin'

Day 19: If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be and why?

I don’t have a city I’d like to live in.

Vaughan wouldn’t be so bad so I could go to the Stratusphere yoga studio instead of just doing the DVD, but I have no “dream city.”

The only place I would want to live is in a home that I own. Someplace where I plant my own garden and paint the walls any colour I want. Someplace where I mow the lawn and pay property taxes and have my last name on the mailbox. Someplace the girls know is ours, no landlord to collect rent. It would be a dream come true to me to live in my own house that belongs to me, something that nags at me since I work in a real estate law firm.

…maybe someday.

The 2013 Day Blog Challenge: Day 18

by maryhelenc, posted in ASH Blog Projects, Douchers, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Relationships, Seriously WTF?

Day 18: The Most Difficult Thing I’ve Ever Had to Forgive.

There is one person, but that subject will not be discussed here or anywhere else for that matter. It’s off limits.

I generally forgive everyone though. I don’t stay angry; it’s a waste of my time. I prefer to forgive and move forward with my life. Holding onto anger is liking drinking poison and hoping the other person will die. It’s pointless. Why waste time being angry @ someone? Chances are they feel like a bag of crap for hurting you anyway, so why make them feel worse about the whole thing?

I don’t forgive people for their sake; I do it for mine. I don’t want to hold onto things that make me angry as I would rather hold onto things that make me happy. I need to set an example for my daughters by showing them that while it’s okay to be mad, it’s not okay to STAY mad, especially because of something long forgotten.

Grudges suck & I’d rather not hold onto them. It’s a waste of my time, which I don’t have a lot of to begin with. I have a full life; school, my daughters, my various jobs all keep me very busy. I simply don’t have time to be angry about something someone did years ago or thinking about someone or something that isn’t worth it to me. Not to mention how damaging holding onto anger is to one’s health. I would rather avoid the migraines, weakened immune system (mine is already weak enough) and weakened liver that comes from holding onto anger. Not to mention holding onto anger causes you to say things you don’t mean, hurt the people you care about and prevent you from having successful interpersonal relationships down the line. You can’t be a friend to someone if you abandon people the first time they annoy you for your newer, better friends. You can’t be in a successful relationship if you’re still thinking about your former lover and how they hurt you, made you mad, are creeping them on FB, etc. You need to let those things go.

This is why I forgive everyone everything. I won’t forget and I’ll handle the residual scars as they come, but I’ll make sure I tell you about why I’m worried, hurting, etc. I’m not going to bottle it in and risk damaging my health, psyche and other interpersonal relationships over it. I would rather be happy and enjoy the world around me.

The 2013 30 Day Blog Challenge Day 16

by maryhelenc, posted in ASH Blog Projects, Celebrity Fluff, Dorkdom, Mommydom, My New Life As Me

Day 16: List your five greatest accomplishments.

1. Becoming a mom. My road to becoming a mom was not easy. I literally had to earn the right to become a mother. I think because I had to fight for it, to earn that priviledge, that honour makes me understand what I have and appreciate it more. I’m not saying other moms don’t; but when you’ve had to fight for something, it makes you realize how much you want it, how much you love it. When you have to put yourself out there and risk everything just to have it, it makes you realize how much it means to you. Becoming a mom made me realize how much I could love another person, how important the idea of protecting and loving those who are “mine” (and nothing hurts worse than losing one that is “yours”). They are “mine” and I have an obligation to protect them, teach them, love them, and hope I don’t screw it up along the way. So far, I think I’ve done pretty well.

2. My journalism diploma. That is my baby. I worked my butt off to get it and achieved every goal I had for myself professionally since I was eight years old. That piece of paper is my professional world. It’s my livelihood, my passion, hanging on my wall.

3. Interviewing Amanda Marshall. Everyone wants to meet their idol; I got to do the thing I loved the most in the whole wide world while talking to my idol. From her wishing Yogi well on an audition to her refreshingly honest answers, it was the greatest day of my career and not much will touch it.

4. My name in print. All of it, every single time. My byline is the greatest thing in the whole wide world to me that is not one of my children. It still amuses me to this day like the first time. I love my job more than anything else in the entire world (again, that is not my daughters) and nothing, not even Channing Tatum offering to run away with me, Ryan Gosling and Chris Hemsworth would be as amazing as seeing my name in print beside something I’ve written. When someone tells me they liked it, I’m even happier.

5. I’m still alive. Sometimes, when life kicks our asses, we need to hold onto this; we’re still alive. My life hasn’t always been easy, sometimes it’s been awful and horrible and really sucky, but I’m still alive. That means there’s a tomorrow to look forward to! For every horrible day, there’s an amazing one coming and sometimes we need to look forward to those amazing days and remember that we are one of the lucky ones; we’re still here.

The 2013 30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 12

by maryhelenc, posted in ASH Blog Projects, Dorkdom, Fitnesslicious, Mommydom, My New Life As Me

Day 12: Describe a typical day in your current life.

There is nothing typical about my life.

I’m a single mom of three, a full time student w/ a co-op placement who is also twice employed (thrice if you count placement as a job). There is nothing typical about the hours I keep, and no two days are the same.

There are certain things that must be done every single day: housework, homework, meditation, and hopefully yoga. Despite the chaotic nature of things, my life is very serene. My daughters are good kids and don’t get in fights @ school, have behavioural issues, etc. I know what I need to do to keep things together and I do it. It used to be really hectic and damn near insane, but over the summer I took a lot of steps to reclaim control over my life and it’s been successful. I’m really proud of the life I lead right now; it’s almost exactly the way I want it.

So, a typical day involves classes, time w/ the girls, bedtime, homework, journalism, housework, yoga, meditation, sleep (sometimes, I have been known to suffer bouts of insomnia). Sometimes I have a glass of wine with friends or play Wii U (I still haven’t opened Halo 4. My inner dork is sad). It may not be the “ideal” 9-5 life, but it works for the girls & I and that’s all that matters.

The 2013 30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 11

by maryhelenc, posted in ASH Blog Projects, Dorkdom, Douchers, Mommydom, MusicIsLifeIsMusicIsLife, My New Life As Me, Seriously WTF?

Day 11: List 10 Pet Peeves You Have

1. The things geese do. Like honk, fly, look @ me, walk near me, continue to breed. You know, the norm.

2. Big Mouths. I have a big mouth…sort of. It’s true that I tell my closest friends almost everything, but they do the same for me. We all tell our closest people everything in the hopes that we get advice. But those who disrespect that confidence and will blab to everyone about everything and make everyone uncomfortable really irritate me.

3. Loud Chewers. Ew. Nuff said.

4. Dishonesty. I hate when people lie. It’s just so ooky and it hurts people! Why do something that’s going to hurt someone else? It’s just plain cruel.

5. Negativity. I abhor negativity. I get self defeating sometimes, but there’s always something to be super happy about pretty much all of the time. Why focus on the thing you do not have when you have lots of other cool stuff? Why be mad all of the time when there is a super awesome world waiting for you?!

6. Pretentiousness. Yes, your taste in music is better than mine, your blog is better than mine, you drink red wine and I only like white wine so my pallet totally sucks. You ONLY eat at certain restaurants and I like chicken wings. I totally get how you just know everything and it’s so superior and your house in a better part of town and brand name pants makes you my better. *eye roll*

7. People That Hate the Lion King. How the freaking eff do you hate the Lion King?!

8. Gratiuities Included in the Bill. A tip is a reward for good service, not an expectation. It just irks me.

9. Sanctimommies. I don’t care if you breastfed your child until they started JK and only feed them organic food and helicopter parent and put them in every lesson and teach them dutch in your spare time while playing the harp and knitting all of their sweaters and sewing their socks; not every mom can do that. Some moms feed their kids Hamburger Helper and used formula. They’re not evil. Moms should be building each other up, not tearing them down.

10. Russell Crowe. He butchered Stars and I will never forgive him.

The 2013 30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 10

by maryhelenc, posted in ASH Blog Projects, Dorkdom, Douchers, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Relationships

Day 10: Your most embrassing moment.

I don’t really get embarrassed. Mostly because I don’t care.

I sing along with my iPod in public, I wear a Pikachu hoodie. I have pillow fights with Drew in Target and regularly fall off of my own heels. I’m a klutz and a dork. Nope, not gonna get embarrassed.

We all do dumb stuff every single day. I do dumb stuff almost every single second of every single day. Doing dumb stuff just makes us human. What matters is how we react to the dumb stuff that we do. If we get embarrassed, we’re showing the world that we are ashamed of our actions, when every action is just something that happened. I prefer to own my actions, reactions, stupid or not. I have done some stupid things in the name of happiness, love and because I got really drunk. However, by owning them and admitting that:

1. I did it and;
2. It may have been the right/wrong/stupidest thing;

I am controlling those actions.

We’ve all done things. Good things. Bad things. Hurtful things. However, the true testament to the character of a person is how we handle those things. Did we hide? Did we run? Did we act ashamed? Or did we pick ourself up, dust ourself off, apologize if needed and carry on. Because honestly, that’s all we can do.