Seriously WTF? – Page 23 – The Misadventures of MHC

Underdog

April 30, 2013April 30, 2013 by maryhelenc, posted in ASH General, Dorkdom, My New Life As Me, Relationships, Seriously WTF?, Social Media

All mornings start out awesome with early morning phone calls from the Gleason Table.

My longtime friend and fellow blogger (it’s fantastic, check it out here) always have the best conversations about a wide variety of topics. They’re pretty much the most hilarious part of my day. Today’s topic of conversation: Facebook.

I have a love/hate relationship with Facebook. I waste a lot of time on Facebook. I post a zillion photos of my daughters, etc. on Facebook. But I’ve noticed that we place too much emphasis on Facebook in our day to day lives. We use Facebook to send out feelers of former friendships as opposed to calling, we use Facebook to creep our exes because we can’t admit we still have romantic feelings for them, which holds back the healing process. We block people so that they feel rejected and, as Gleason said this morning, the more miserable you are about your life, the happier you will appear on Facebook. I know I’ve done it, during my darkest times emotionally, I’ll be as happy as a clam on Facebook. After all, if we appear happy happy on Facebook, we think we’re fooling people…and I guess to an extent, we are.

There are more than a few articles that claim that people see other people’s picture perfect Facebook lives and will feel depressed. Apparently, we start comparing our lives to the people on Facebook and feel inadequate. Knowing that we all embellish our lives on Facebook, why wouldn’t we assume that someone else is doing the same? Why do we put so much stock in Facebook? Why do we assume that everything on Facebook means something?

It's going great Facebook, thanks for asking. — It’s going great Facebook, thanks for asking.

Facebook was designed to keep us in touch with each other, but we use it as a legal form of stalking and an essential pissing contest to see who can pretend to have the best life while keeping tabs on people we claim we don’t care about and trying to pretend to all of our coworkers, etc. that our lives are super awesome when in reality, they are average, just like yours and mine. So, let’s stop comparing our lives to each other on Facebook and using it to act like we’re soooooo happy. Let’s stop creeping the people we left behind, whether it’s a friend we comment on every few months or that ex we can’t get out of our head and actually call or text them and begin working on those relationships.

Oh…and stop sharing memes that say if you share it, the dying kid will get a $1 for hospital bills. That’s just stupid too.

PS Because I’m a dork…follow us on Facebook!

Your Heart is a Muscle

April 21, 2013May 30, 2013 by maryhelenc, posted in Celebrity Fluff, Just Fun, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Relationships, Seriously WTF?, Television

So…apparently I was the only person who watched that train wreck “Ready for Love” as it’s already been cancelled.

Naturally, my mind went to “Oh. Em. Gee. Now how will I know if the annoying matchmakers help the meterosexual douchebags find the ~~person they love for 20 minutes~~ soulmate?!”

Okay, it was more like “If all it took for dating show to be cancelled was for me to watch it, then I’m coming for the Bachelor!”

I have a point, I promise.

I guess people are sick of the phoniness that these shows exhibit. There’s nothing authentic about them, except for maybe the two girls who flew across country to win back the loves of their lives, which was pretty ballsy. Those interactions were genuine, with real conflict and real emotions and the question of whether the decision to leave was the right or wrong thing, and it would have been interesting to see how the one panned out.

It reminded me of something my dad said to me about how people sometimes prefer to be right over being happy. We would rather live in a mess we created than ever admit that it wasn’t the right thing. Sometimes, there is no “right” but more a gray area and wrong. Maybe you’re not sure what the right thing is, but you know your actions are “wrong.” It doesn’t feel right and you’ve messed up but you also can’t swallow that pride or leverage that you have to just admit it to anyone, let alone yourself. Sometimes people say that if it didn’t work the first time, or the second, then why will it work the third? Sometimes people don’t try; they merely escape. Maybe you saw a long term future and it scared you because your last attempt at one of those failed. Maybe you weren’t ready for something, but now that you are, you realize you effed up and you apply to appear on a trainwreck with a bunch of crazy blonde chicks. That’s when you see the failed relationships, the ex creeping (which I’ve already mentioned being creepy HERE) and the general dissatisfaction with your life. But the desire to be “right” and not risk giving your love the power of holding your actions over you outweighs it all and you end up going round in circles…or on a reality show with Bill and Giuliana Rancic.

My foster father always reminded me that being right will never make you happy; being happy does. So, I’m the first one to back down (unless of course I am absolutely certain that I am right, or it is the right thing, or the only solution. Then I’m a freaking pitbull and won’t back down and won’t give up and will endure ridiculous amounts of hurt because I think it’s worth it) because truthfully, the relationship with the friend, partner, etc. brings happiness, which means more than being right. Sometimes, you need to admit you’re dumb, immature, you screwed up, eat that crow because it’s not about being “right” because it’s what’s deterring you from being truly happy. My foster dad always told me that sometimes in life it’s not about winning a battle, it’s about knowing when you need to surrender, something that I remind myself when I pick my battles with my daughters (there isa reason that my 6yo doesn’t own a matching pair of socks), admitting I was wrong in a friendship, or taking a zero on an assignment because I didn’t get it finished. Sometimes, it’s not about who was right, it’s about how everyone was wrong and how to make it right.

So, I guess the burning question now is what I’ll watch after I watch my pretend husband Adam Levine on the Voice. Perhaps there is some kind of Adam Levine network? I should call my provider and find out.

You Know Where I’m At

April 17, 2013May 30, 2013 by maryhelenc, posted in Celebrity Fluff, Dear Blank, Douchers, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Relationships, Seriously WTF?, Television

Last night, I couldn’t find my remote, so I couldn’t change the channel after watching my pretend husband Adam Levine on The Voice.

Yes, this shirtless photo of Adam Levine is essential to this blog post...you're welcome — Yes, this shirtless photo of Adam Levine is essential to this blog post…you’re welcome

I was studying for a final so I figured I’d leave whatever the eff was on as background noise. It turned out that it was this dating show called Ready For Love. We all know my feelings on dating shows (if not, click HERE & HERE), yet this was like some kind of weird train wreck. I wanted to get up & change the channel, but I didn’t want to look for my remote because I was morbidly fascinated by this bizarre…thing.

Anywho, the plot is these three guys let matchmakers pick out a bunch of chicks for them & the matchmakers sort of guide dude to find the one…or something (I did learn that the Plain White T’s are still a thing, so there’s that). But one of the girls who was sent packing said that “nice girls finish last.”

Do they?

I’m a nice girl. Sickeningly so. I’m all kinds of Jesus loving, gift buying, naive as all get out, good girl. I give to people until there is nothing left & when I love someone, I’m stupidly devoted to them. I don’t do casual sex. I need to know you love me before you get that (I broke that rule one time, for someone I loved beyond reason) & if you’re in my bed, it means I truly believe you are my match. In fact, I struggle to date again if I’ve given you that, because I feel like I gave you the best I had in me to give & it wasn’t good enough. I would rather waste my life waiting for a person I feel is worth waiting for than date a million people (my online dating profile exists, but it serves for me to reject many boys & only to shut the psych major up hahaha) But do I finish last? I don’t think so. I have a pretty fulfilled life; awesome kids, good friends, an outlet for my talent. Not too shabby. I don’t need a relationship to complete me. I don’t get lonely for a partner. If I do, it’s for a specific person, not just a faceless partner, someone who has qualities I admire, who I feel can be a role model for my daughters, someone I care about.

I think people sort of use that as a crutch to explain why guys are douchebags. Some are, but other men & women just cannot handle having what they’ve wanted; someone who loves them completely. You build the image up in your mind of your ideal mate & most of the time, the image doesn’t fit reality. 90% of the time, the person who is right for us isn’t the person we expected. Some people can roll with that, others can’t. They begin to let doubts creep in because they’re not used to someone essentially looking at them like they’re amazing & they worry about things like “what if I’m not so God-like (chances are, they know)” or “why don’t I see him/her like that? (Chances are you give love differently, it doesn’t mean you love them less, you just love them in your own way)” Soon enough, you feel smothered and guilty because you simply can’t understand that level of acceptance, because you’ve never had it yourself (something I struggle with). Maybe the two of you aren’t on the same page (one is further ahead and you need to slow down) and you don’t know how to say you’re not ready to jump in yet, or vice versa. Maybe they aren’t the mate you envisioned on paper; they’re flighty, or even a little nuts & you question your choice (or you worry about others questioning it). The idea of love is wonderful, the act of maintaining love is terrifying. That’s why so many of us rush into one relationship after another; we’ve been trained to believe that the other person just sucked & it’s because we’re nice & we finish last.

The truth is, that we love the idea of love, not being in love, which is why we always muck up the best relationships & then rush into the next one instead of evaluating what we really want. Perhaps we should have worked harder, or talked to our partner as things happened, so we can apply that to our next relationship. Perhaps we still miss the one we let get away so we try to replace them & end up with a string of failed relationships trying to fill the hole (which my own therapist claims those who feel a hole either a) have terribly low self esteem and need to be in a relationship to feel validated or b) are missing the presence of a former lover that they feel “got away”), while still creeping their online profile because deep down, that’s what we want but we’re too damn stubborn to admit it (something one of the girls did on the train wreck last night. She realized she let someone great go & went to fight for him. The other train wreck chicks were pissed, but I thought it was pretty ballsy to admit you weren’t ready @ the time, but you’re sorry & you are now & you want to try again. He kept her, so maybe he is big into giving someone a million chances).

They say if you care enough to wonder what they're thinking, then maybe you should care enough to be with them. Of course, most proverbs were written by monks soooo... — They say if you care enough to wonder what they’re thinking, then maybe you should care enough to be with them. Of course, most proverbs were written by monks soooo…

It’s not because nice people finish last. It’s because we’ve been taught that people are replaceable & that makes us want everything & nothing; we want someone to complete us, but not get too close, someone to want to be our mate, but not overwhelm us, someone to understand us, even if we don’t tell them what’s wrong. It has to be our time, our way & we are the star of the relationship & it’s not about being a team. It’s not a matter of nice or douchey, because these are things that plague all of us. We need to start working together to meet in the middle. Sometimes we need to start over, sometimes we need to understand that the thing that seemed wrong on paper is the right thing for us, or that not everyone loves the same way & that’s okay, sometimes we need to go backwards before we go forward & sometimes we need to open up before we close the door.

So, nice people don’t finish last. They just struggle to navigate like the rest of the world. We’ll all figure it out…but most likely NOT on a dating show.

All These Lives

April 15, 2013April 15, 2013 by maryhelenc, posted in ASH General, Relationships, Seriously WTF?, When Things Suck Hard

I always sort of lose a little more faith in humanity when I read things like the Boston Marathon bombings.

I don’t want to be just another blogger who preaches life is a gift, or the everyday heroes, or the like, because when I was a small writer, I always rolled my eyes. But now that I’m older, I realize that sometimes, we all need to relfect on days like today because if we don’t learn from these acts, we repeat them and frankly, too many are repeated.

I know it’s redundant, but we always talk about how we need to love each other and support each other during hard times, but maybe we should do that every day. We shouldn’t need a major disaster to make us pull together as a society and help each other. We should be working every day to be better people. We’re all so damn selfish now (myself included), we think about what benefits us without thinking of the people around us that we end up hurting because we want something or something isn’t quite the way we want it that day. So, we treat people like crap, hurt other people, who hurt other people, until that ripple effect makes the world jaded. While yes, it’s amazing that in times of pain, we can all band together and help each other, we need to remember to do those things when we’re happy, when things are good.

So, I guess the only thing I could say is this; let’s all look at who we are and how we treat people and stop relying on the idea that we’ll do it right the next time, because people are expendable or because we have a ton of time to turn things around. Look at how we have treated people who have offered us nothing but love. Look at how we treated people who accepted us for exactly who we are. How did we treat that total stranger? I know I haven’t been great to those people, I’m sure you haven’t either. If we didn’t have a tomorrow, what kind of legacy would we be leaving behind? Would we be known as the guy who walked out on the family that loved him? The woman who lost sight of the people who cared about her? The man who was cruel to that person who needed help by the side of the road? The person who lied at his job or cheated on her exams? Would we be known as “a great friend, but a bit of an asshole?” or “she’s nice, but sometimes a bitch?” Think of all of the people who were good to you, truly good to you and the legacy you left on them. I know that my legacy is nothing like the one I would want to leave. I have not been good to people who were good to me and I need to be good to them, because we need to remember that life isn’t all about us. Our lives are carefully woven in such a way that our solitary happiness should only be a fragment in the journey. Our lives are constantly connected, through work, school, love, even through social media and the internet. We are all connected and somewhere we lost the idea that our true peace comes from putting the needs of others over our personal wants. We are a much smaller world now, we’re all connected and while maybe we’re not in Boston dealing with a tragedy, perhaps us being kinder to everyone, putting what someone needs over maybe what we wanted and doing the “right” thing will make the ripple effect positive and maybe one day, we can build a legacy of love and finally change the world.

I know it’s a message we repeat, but it bears repeating. Love each other. Be kind. Show compassion where there is none & perhaps we’ll all become better people.

The Writer

April 10, 2013April 10, 2013 by maryhelenc, posted in Crazy Talk, My New Life As Me, Relationships, Seriously WTF?, When Things Suck Hard

I stumbled across a blog called Grumpy Comments and it has provided me with great amusement (especially with the how to destroy your copy of the Hobbit post). It’s a fun read, I’d suggest checking it out.

But one thing the writer mentioned this week was the idea that when you’re unhappy, you actually can’t remember what it’s like to be happy (found here).

This is something I have thought about before, and it was refreshing to see someone else feels the same way. Sometimes, even when I was the happiest I have ever been, I often would feel a little bit tainted (as the author put it) because I would start to wonder if my own failings as person would somehow destroy my happy little place. Then, when you’re down and those moments where you were happiest seem so far away, you struggle to remember that moment when you actually were happy. You may have amazing things in your life to be happy about, but you’re so down, that sometimes you can’t remember them. I once knew a person who said that they had no idea how to be happy, that even if they wanted it with their heart & mind, one day, without warning, they would feel unhappy and simply abandon whatever pursuit it was that brought them joy instead of addressing why they felt that way. I told them it seemed like such a sad way to live, giving up on something before you’ve ever really begun.

But why do we do this? Why do we self sabotage happiness? Why can’t we enjoy it? Some people just don’t feel worthy of happiness, some of us are so afraid of spoiling the thing that makes them happy that they’d rather walk away from it, and some of us simply have been hurt so many times that our minds reject the very idea that we’ll actually be happy this time. By the time we’ve stopped analyzing, we’ve likely beaten our happiness into the ground.

Perhaps, we need to remind ourselves that we all deserve happiness, even if sometimes we don’t feel like it. We shouldn’t abandon our pursuit of it and we most certainly shouldn’t beat ourselves up if sometimes we question it, as long as we’re not destructive about it. Perhaps if we shift our focus just a little bit and remind ourselves that our happiness is deserved and worth working through our own inability to see it sometimes.

Say Anything

April 9, 2013 by maryhelenc, posted in ASH General, Fitnesslicious, Seriously WTF?, WWE Wrasslin'

I hate writer’s block.

The research paper is half written and really annoying me. The subject is something I chose and it’s not that I’m lacking for ideas, it’s just not coming together. Instead of APA style, I keep writing in CP style and that won’t do.

It’s no secret that I miss having a regular magazine job, with deadlines and word count and publicity contacts and story meetings. I know that right now, it’s not a plausible option for me right now, but I just keep getting the itch to write something new and have the instant gratification of seeing my byline, etc.

I look to my professional idol, Trish Stratus and how she said she has never gotten the itch to return to wrestling, save for a feud with former WWE mean girls Michelle McCool and Layla El. Otherwise she’s satisfied with her body of work and is happy with her brand, Stratusphere Yoga, which is helping me accomplish my fitness goals. I often wonder why I am never professionally satisfied, why I’m always looking to do more and why I can’t seem to be satisfied with my body of work and settle into something else. Maybe it’s because the opportunities are limitless. There are always things I want to do, people I want to interview, other facets of journalism I want to branch out into.

This is why instead of writing the research paper, I’m thinking about how cool it would be to interview Ms. Stratus, or any of the judges on the Voice, what angle I could use for these articles, etc.

I think one of the major things that hold me back in life is that everything in my life has a very specific goal at the end. I struggle to settle into my new career path because journalism is my passion, my one true love. My personal life struggles because I have had one outcome, one life in mind and that life, much like my professional life isn’t plausible (nothing is impossible, but right now, everything is implausible). Very few things hold my attention once something has caught it and it’s nearly impossible to divert me. I guess it’s part of that “stop trying to control the universe and let things happen the way they’re meant to, not the way I think they should,” because if that’s how they should, then they will and not much will prevent it from happening in the end. I know I need to do something so I feel fufilled professionally, but it’s not worth investing more time and energy into something that’s just going to be…well, it’s not journalism so meh. I will have to find another day job and another magazine, perhaps in another branch of journalism. Perhaps as I evolve as a stronger person, much more in control of my emotions and much more open about who I am as a person, the specific things I want for my life will all just fall into place the way they’re supposed to. I won’t control the universe, nor will I let it control me. I’ll just let everything unfold as it plays out in front of me and handle things as they come and hope that it all turns out okay.

…and I’ll finally finish this damn research paper.

On Your Own

April 5, 2013 by maryhelenc, posted in Crazy Talk, Douchers, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Seriously WTF?

Once upon a time, in a time that seems like it was a million years ago, I spent every Friday night alone.

I loved it. My girls were in bed and my ex-husband and my best guy friend went to “Country Night” at this divey bar. They would generally drink too much and come home in a cab stupid, but I got to be alone. I would take a hot bath, watch Flashpoint, read a book, go to bed when I wanted (we had a marital rule that we had to go to bed together, always together. Blargh). It was lovely.

Fast forward to the separation and those random moments when we tried to be friends and I was free of the control and I would go to leave his apartment after we argued about something yet again and he would always say “Don’t go. You don’t know what it’s like to be alone. No one calls, no texts, nothing. The silence is horrible.” It wasn’t anger or control, it was mind numbing terror. He sounded so horrified, so sad, like the idea of another night by himself actually pained him. I remembered when we first split, his mother said to me “You will never understand what it is like to be so…alone.” Same thing, the terror. Even my friends would ask me how I intended to deal with being alone and they sounded scared.

Back in the summer, when I felt like things were horrible in my life and I was scraping together enough money to throw my child a decent birthday party, I ended up at his apartment. Not for any reason, except that I wanted to talk to him, rekindle our old friendship, for the girls and because I felt so completely alone. It ended horribly; we fought, I cried so hard. I ended up back @ home after a few hours feeling so small and meek. My friends were screaming @ me asking me why I’d go back there, etc. Truthfully, I just didn’t want to feel alone anymore. So, the past few months, I was afraid of feeling that weird alone place that everyone makes sound so horrifying, so I’ve been trying to spend as much time with people as possible, to avoid that feeling of alone, helpless, quiet.

However, I’m slowly learning that’s why I’m not really an equal in any of my relationships with people. Because I’m so afraid of being isolated from the people I care about, I will do anything to avoid people walking out of my life. I’ll whine, beg, act like an ass and ruin all of my interpersonal relationships. It’s not anyone’s fault; human nature is to use the tools we have to get what we want. If we feel slighted, we will use someone’s Achilles heel to achieve the desired result of “getting your own way.” We all do it, whether we want to admit it or not. However, about a week or two ago, I got thinking about the moment I feared being alone. Yes, isolation has always been used against me, as it was an oft-used childhood punishment, but during my younger years, I would fall off the grid for days, weeks, just because I wanted to veg out. If someone got mad @ me, I would apologize if it was justified and otherwise it was “oh well, if the friendship meant something, we’ll talk it out when they calm down and we’ll both get our feet out of our mouths.” It wasn’t until I heard the terror in the voices of grown men and women, that being alone was so horrifying, that you’ll eventually be driven mad by it.

So, I stopped.

I only replied to a few text messages. I stopped leaving my house except for school. I stopped calling people. I cancelled yet another date. I just sat at home. I watched TV (Chicago Fire is pretty awesome), but most importantly, I didn’t die.

In fact, it wasn’t so bad at all.

Maybe being alone isn’t so terrifying. Maybe it’s just what is. I don’t NEED to be around people to feel sane, because it’s not the end of the world to be alone. I don’t need to constantly be around people every single second of my life, inundating them with chatter or reaching out because otherwise I’ll be in this horrible void of nothingness known as the big, bad…alone.

I’ll just be learning to relax, which honestly, would do me a world of good.

Storm

April 3, 2013February 10, 2014 by maryhelenc, posted in Crazy Talk, Dear Blank, Douchers, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Relationships, Seriously WTF?, When Things Suck Hard

Normally I write drivel for what I believe is your amusement. Today, I’m writing for myself, to accept a part of me that I’ve hidden (unsuccessfully) for years; my battle with depression.

Throughout my life, I have struggled with depression. I attempted to kill myself @ 10 years old. I stopped eating for a spell in high school when a teacher said I had an “above average weight” (ironically enough, the student she called “fatty” is the one that helped me through it). I let my self esteem deteriorate after two abusive relationships, one in which I was raped & beaten, the marriage where I was told I was fat, ugly & worthless & my only value was to be degraded sexually. I developed PPD after the births of my children. I miscarried three different times and each time I lost my mind. The last two years have been a roller coaster of events, all of which have affected my coping skills. My marriage ended & for the first time in my life, I was on my own & I had never even gone grocery shopping without my ex-husband! I went back to school, jumping into a career path I didn’t think through. I met someone and I fell in love. But with great power comes great responsibilty. I had never had to make choices for myself and I was afraid of messing them up. I was uneasy w/ my academic choice. I had never formed close connections with people before. So, I let my boyfriend walk all over me because I loved him and wanted him to feel safe and understood. I wanted to make him happy, so I kept putting my wants below anything he wanted. I let my friends walk all over me, because I was afraid I’d lose my support system. While I was doing this, I was making myself second best. My friends & my former boyfriend were wonderful and never made me feel unloved or not special, but when they would do something that annoyed me, I would clam up, because I was afraid they would cut me out. I would have trusted these people with my life, but not to remain a part of it and my former boyfriend always wanted to know why I would get overly upset about small things or randomly get super clingy, then flip. He wanted to understand, but the truth was, I didn’t know why. I explained certain things that contributed, but the underlying fear, I honestly couldn’t explain and I was afraid “I don’t know” wouldn’t be enough.

As the months went on, I grew more anxious. I sucked in school. My journalism career was going nowhere. My eldest daughter needed counselling, I bounced a bunch of bill payments and I felt like I was failing. I didn’t have a steady income and I was buried under debt. The final straw? My relationship ended and I broke under the pressure. I moped, because the real problems kept piling up and I felt like I was drowning under a sea of bad choices. I just kept thinking; Why law? Why didn’t you think this through? Why does she have to be on a waiting list, help my kid! Why can’t I help my kid? Why can’t I find a job? Why do I have no motivation to keep my house in order? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?! I had never had to face crisis situations alone, I always had a partner who took control & now it was all on me & I felt like I was doing it all wrong. I was afraid of being judged, labelled crazy or viewed as a liability to the people in my life. I lived in this fishbowl, and I wanted so badly to be the Superwoman persona I made for myself. Superwoman isn’t depressed.

Things improved; my relationship resumed and I was so happy and yet so terrified, because I saw how easily he could leave. I was offered a position @ a new magazine that would allow me to do what I loved full time & I finally felt like I had made it as a writer. But, I was still flailing. I had to do everything I didn’t do when I was busy being miserable & situations were escalating & tense. I didn’t talk about the huge problems because I wanted to do it alone so badly, so I focused on the smallest problem, because I thought if I could fix something little, I could finally feel like I could tackle the growing mountain of laundry and debt (which my counsellor told me is very normal for those who suffer with anxiety). Because I was so skittish in my relationship, I would make mistakes, and I again let him walk all over me. I didn’t say the thing I needed to say, which was that I was scared he’d walk out again any second & please work with me on this so we’re both comfortable. I couldn’t because I thought he’d feel like I was punishing him and he’d leave, which he did. Then I had the guilt of my youngest daughter asking for her best friend, my eldest daughter’s anger at me for making him go away, my middle daughter crying because she loved him & wanted him to be with us…and it was my fault. I hated myself because they were so hurt & when I tried to fix it, I displaced aggression (some justified, some not) and made it worse, strained all of my friendships & I felt like nothing.

My law career continued to flounder; I kept getting the run around at my job. For every major victory (helping my eldest child, finalizing my divorce and removing government prescence from my life), there was a setback someplace else. Suddenly, I felt like all of those insults my ex-husband hurled @ me were validated in my mind. Look, MH couldn’t keep it together! She lost her direction, her boyfriend, her friends and she’s no role model for her daughters. I grew so dependent on everyone to try and help make it okay while pretending I was okay, which of course was a façade that all of my closest friends saw through and grew to resent me, and I grew passive aggressive because I had spent so long feeling like I gave more than I got that I couldn’t see that they were trying to help me. Suddenly, I was the person that I despised. So, I made phone calls, my best friends told me off (which I thank them for, sometimes we need a good kick in the ass to help us realize how far we’ve let ourselves sink. No one ever thinks of how much we’re hurting the people we love most when we’re consumed with sadness, and sometimes it takes them to throw it in your face to help you see that you’re impacting their lives too) and I had a good cry. I realized I had become that thing I used to be; weak, sad, and unable to focus and sometimes even hurtful to people I love. I talked to my doctor and we took an assessment and I suffer from clinical depression and anxiety disorder. I wanted so badly to be in control of my life for the first time ever, that I would have panic attacks when things went wrong. But I wasn’t getting help to get them under control, so the attacks would get worse and last longer until I was living in this constant string of anxiety and fear. My counsellor said I was likely subconsciously pushing everyone away because I hated who I was becoming and I wanted all of these people that I loved so much to leave me alone so they wouldn’t have to put up with me anymore. I was self-sabotaging, because I thought they deserved better than me, so I would subconsciously do things to make them cut me out…only when they left, I felt more broken, because I missed them. Now, I’ve got a plan. Between anti-anxiety medication, exercise, working with a dietician & individual and group counselling, I’m going to finally be the person I’m supposed to be.

Why am I writing this? Because it’s a part of me and I need to accept it. The reason my life is such a mess is because I refused to just admit I needed help, take responsibility and be open. I put up walls so people would think I was invincible. I didn’t trust the people I loved that I felt so overwhelmed with my life that sometimes it felt like I was smothering because everyone said they admired the facade & every time they said they admired me, I wanted to scream “WHY?! I’M THE LAST PERSON YOU SHOULD LOOK UP TO EVER LOOK @ WHAT I’VE DONE TO MY LIFE!” I alienated everyone because I couldn’t just say:

“I’m scared that I can’t do this. I’m scared I’m going to ruin everything and mess up my girls and go broke and never make the effort to be a good housekeeper. I’m scared that I’m not a good friend or partner or parent & a drain on you & that I’m putting too much pressure on all of you & I’ll end up pushing you away. I’ve never been on my own and I want to make the right choices but it scares me to make them. Every time I have to I get scared that I’m doing the wrong thing and the things I’m sure about I keep mucking up. I don’t know why I’m so unhappy, please don’t think I’m insane & please still love me while I make myself better.”

As a writer, I say there should be no stigma, but for over a year (& most of my life), I’ve been so ashamed of knowing I would go through months of sadness & pick an arbitrary reason because the honest truth is, I couldn’t even tell you why I get this way. Part of me hopes maybe I won’t feel like I’m alone, that maybe by finally saying the words I’ve held in, I’ll be able to value myself like I do the people I love…and I’ll finally be a role model for my girls. This is why I often write about the idea that no one is too broken to be loved by someone; it’s my greatest wish…for myself.

Maybe I just martyred myself, or gave people fodder to laugh and for once, I don’t care. I NEED to make myself accountable to follow through with treatment. So, my name is Mary-Helen and I’m a journalist who works in a law office and I also struggle with mental illness. I won’t be magically cured by a pill, but it’s going to help. I’m sometimes going to struggle, sometimes I’m going to cry about nothing and self-sabotage and get lost in meloncholy. But I’m going to also work every day for the rest of my life to make that stop and while I’m not okay right now, I will be.

Who Knew

March 29, 2013 by maryhelenc, posted in Dorkdom, My New Life As Me, Seriously WTF?

As part of my never ending quest to feel less blah, I decided to take a Career Aptitude Test!

I answered 485 questions of awesomeness. They ranged from my intergity, poise, intellect, promptness, etc.

I'm going to post some of the my answers, because they are amazeballs. — I’m going to post some of the my answers, because they are amazeballs.

So, I spent 25 minutes answering these various questions, in the hopes that maybe I could find a super cool new career that would help me find some sort of direction.

I was so excited to find out what my super cool new career path would be.

And I got the results!

It took 485 questions for you to figure that out test? My friends could have told you that in 1/2 a second!

My ideal job: MEDIA relations!

So…what I learned (aside from the fact that I will never get that 25 minutes of my life back), is that maybe I actually do know what I’m doing. Maybe the problem isn’t that I’m on the wrong path, it’s that I know all of the answers, it’s just waiting for the answers to work themselves out that’s frustrating me. Maybe I have a lack of patience…or a lack of follow-through. Maybe I just need to be smarter and start looking for media positions that will help me grow as a writer, not keep me stagnant. Maybe I need to pursue a different type of journalism. Maybe I need to start taking some risks with my writing, which will pull me out of the professional doldrums.

Maybe the problem is just that I rely too much on wanting the world to bend to what I want on my time, in my way in a tangible way that I understand, when in reality, sometimes you just have to let things figure themselves out on their own. I’m in this constant fight to control every little thing that goes on around me in the hopes that I can maintain some sort of independence, but in reality, all I’m doing is pulling myself further into the sinkhole because the world doesn’t work that way. My hippie friend always tells me that sometimes I have to trust that my gut instincts are right and stop doubting that things are coming together because I cannot see them coming together and we have to have faith that the universe will put everything as it should be when it’s supposed to, not when Princess MH demands it. Maybe that’s my problem. Maybe I need to work on being patient and letting things happen as they should, not because I’m growing antsy. Maybe I should trust my gut instincts instead of allowing things like aptitude tests and even the opinions of those around me influence my path and start carving out the life I want for myself and my daughters. Maybe I should start trusting my own judgment instead of constantly hoping those around me approve. Maybe?

Paralyzed

March 27, 2013May 30, 2013 by maryhelenc, posted in ASH General, Current Events, Douchers, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Political Fluff, Quotable Quotes and Potpourri, Seriously WTF?

Ummmm…this is sort of true.

I understand that Mr. Warren speaks about same sex marriage, but the idea itself is not wrong.

He’s wrong because LGBT isn’t a lifestyle, it’s simply who one is, so his quote doesn’t apply there, but everyone has a different style of life. Smoking marijuana is part of a lifestyle, so is eating healthy. Some of the people I love do these things. Caffeine is a staple of my lifestyle.

I have convictions & a moral centre. I believe promises must always be kept, & I try my best to keep them. I think if you gave your word, you have to do whatever it takes to keep it, even if it hurts for awhile (hence the fatal flaw). I believe that sex is a serious act that must only be given in love & if you have been given that, it’s because I genuinely thought that you were the person I was going to spend my life with. I believe in honesty, kindness & that anger is stupid, to the point that when goaded into anger, I will actually break down into sobs because I just hate anger. But those are my convictions, & apply only to me.

The people I love most in this world do not agree with my convictions, & I do not love them any less, nor do they love me any less. The difference is that we are not trying to pass laws to make what we think is “right” the social norm.

You don’t have to compromise your convictions, but your convictions are not “better” than anyone else’s. if you disagree with the stoner lifestyle, don’t do drugs. If you do not like the idea of working moms, don’t work. But please remember that those should only apply to your family, your life. Also, remember that you did not make the choice to be straight, nor is it a “lifestyle.” If you don’t want to marry someone of the same sex, or anyone, you don’t have to! You also don’t have to eat flax bread! But remember, there are people who enjoy flax bread & they might want to marry someone of the same sex. The flax bread is the lifestyle choice, the other isn’t.

So, remember, everyone has a moral code. No two are the same. Lets respect all convictions, not just the ones we understand.