I hate writer’s block.
The research paper is half written and really annoying me. The subject is something I chose and it’s not that I’m lacking for ideas, it’s just not coming together. Instead of APA style, I keep writing in CP style and that won’t do.
It’s no secret that I miss having a regular magazine job, with deadlines and word count and publicity contacts and story meetings. I know that right now, it’s not a plausible option for me right now, but I just keep getting the itch to write something new and have the instant gratification of seeing my byline, etc.
I look to my professional idol, Trish Stratus and how she said she has never gotten the itch to return to wrestling, save for a feud with former WWE mean girls Michelle McCool and Layla El. Otherwise she’s satisfied with her body of work and is happy with her brand, Stratusphere Yoga, which is helping me accomplish my fitness goals. I often wonder why I am never professionally satisfied, why I’m always looking to do more and why I can’t seem to be satisfied with my body of work and settle into something else. Maybe it’s because the opportunities are limitless. There are always things I want to do, people I want to interview, other facets of journalism I want to branch out into.
This is why instead of writing the research paper, I’m thinking about how cool it would be to interview Ms. Stratus, or any of the judges on the Voice, what angle I could use for these articles, etc.
I think one of the major things that hold me back in life is that everything in my life has a very specific goal at the end. I struggle to settle into my new career path because journalism is my passion, my one true love. My personal life struggles because I have had one outcome, one life in mind and that life, much like my professional life isn’t plausible (nothing is impossible, but right now, everything is implausible). Very few things hold my attention once something has caught it and it’s nearly impossible to divert me. I guess it’s part of that “stop trying to control the universe and let things happen the way they’re meant to, not the way I think they should,” because if that’s how they should, then they will and not much will prevent it from happening in the end. I know I need to do something so I feel fufilled professionally, but it’s not worth investing more time and energy into something that’s just going to be…well, it’s not journalism so meh. I will have to find another day job and another magazine, perhaps in another branch of journalism. Perhaps as I evolve as a stronger person, much more in control of my emotions and much more open about who I am as a person, the specific things I want for my life will all just fall into place the way they’re supposed to. I won’t control the universe, nor will I let it control me. I’ll just let everything unfold as it plays out in front of me and handle things as they come and hope that it all turns out okay.
…and I’ll finally finish this damn research paper.