Relationships – Page 19 – The Misadventures of MHC

The 2013 30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 28

March 5, 2013June 28, 2013 by maryhelenc, posted in ASH Blog Projects, Dear Blank, Douchers, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Quotable Quotes and Potpourri, Relationships, Seriously WTF?, When Things Suck Hard

Day 28: What is your love language?

***Dear readers, I apologize if this is more personal than the general crap that I produce that I pretend people enjoy. I promise to bring my vapidly endearing brand of self-depreciating wit back tomorrow.***

My love language?

I don’t.

My former husband calls me a lot of things; frigid, cold, and a bunch of insults I won’t publish here. I guess in a way, he is right.

I love my daughters, I love my friends. But I don’t love men. Well, not in the conventional sense. I base my relationships on logic. I choose mates based on what makes sense for me, my daughters, does it work on paper, with one exception. My love life mainly consists of first dates that I leave early or never call. The last guy who made it to date two told me that he thought he wanted to get to know me better; I told him I wanted to go home. They didn’t meet my ridiculously long list of criteria that makes the ideal mate. I loved my husband as a companion, as a friend. He offered security in a time when I had none and I became dependent on him for the air I breathed. I took most of his rage because I thought I deserved it because I couldn’t give him the validation he wanted because it just wasn’t there. So, I would be nicer, try to be that perfect wife, but I couldn’t do it. When the marriage was over, I didn’t cry. I missed our friendship, but I didn’t miss being his wife. Matrimony was never high on my list of priorities anyway. It never has been I got married because it’s what you did; you date, you get married. I’ve only wanted that once, for about a month, and then I got really scared that I was going to ruin it and wanted to stay in one place for awhile. I’m scared of the big steps and like to stay where I am. I’ll get excited about the idea of moving forward for a little while, but then I’ll wanna stay in the happy moment, right there and just “be”, because I struggle with the idea of someone getting too close to me, wanting to get inside of my head. It scares me. Even my closest friends don’t know much about me. I claim I’m an open book, but I’m not. I am about my current life, and some of my younger years, but that’s it. I put up walls to keep people out, because I have a heightened fear of abandonment and I’m afraid if people got to know the side of me that is much darker and sadder than the socially awkward, happy go lucky dork, they won’t love me anymore. Anytime someone gets close to me, I get scared that they won’t want me anymore and end up sabotaging the whole thing. I don’t mean to…I just get…scared that if I’m not super woman and just a normal human girl, then I’m not going to be “good enough.” So I go overboard trying to be the best possible MHC so they won’t want to understand why I’ll get so scared over the tiniest thing or sometimes want to stop and be reassured that you won’t go anywhere.

Truthfully, I’ve only truly loved one man. I was attracted to him from our second meeting, so much so, that I had to keep a certain distance (as I was you know, married). He was the exception, he didn’t meet my criteria, was the opposite of everything I had ever looked for. I loved every good, bad and even cruel thing about him. Even when he tore my heart out, I loved him & blamed myself, because he wouldn’t have done it had I not deserved it. I thought he loved me, truly loved me, even though I’m a scatterbrained, sort of crazy nitwit who cries a lot. He even saw that part of me I don’t show people and he still seemed to love me. Because I thought he loved me, I would have given him anything and bent over backwards for him, maybe too much, because he was just so good in my eyes, & I wanted to make him happy. I guess I wanted so badly to make him happy so he would never have to fear getting hurt. If I got hurt, I didn’t care, as long as he knew I couldn’t hurt him ever. I believed every word he said, especially his promise to always come back for me, because even if we got the start wrong, we’d get the ending right. When he was gone (& I realized he wasn’t going to keep that promise), I felt like someone had hacked off a limb, it was like a part of me was gone & I broke down. Me, the girl who didn’t cry when her marriage fell apart, who didn’t cry at the absolute worst moment of her life, just stood there back straight, refusing to give anyone the satisfaction of showing pain, cried like a lost child who didn’t know where to turn. Sometimes I think I’ll always be lost. Never is such a short word but such a long time to live without someone. Ironically, always is a longer word & even longer time, when the one you’ll love always is also your never.

I write about the idea of love, because it fascinates me. The idea of one person who doesn’t share your DNA that you want to spend your life with, are miserable without them and better with them? It sounds so easy but it’s actually so hard. I watch people in love and wonder why it’s not easier. If you love someone, you would do anything to be with them. But no, we let our own baggage, insecurities, hangups, get in the way. We won’t swallow our pride when we fight and admit we were wrong. We don’t tell people when we’re scared.Sometimes we don’t even like that person, but we can’t live without them? People always tell me that you work to make love work, but I’ve never seen anyone do it, myself included. We just walk away when it gets a little hard, then we pretend it’s not eating away at us, but it is. I look at my foster parents, who are still in love after so many years and wonder how we can do that in a disposible world. I could, for the right person, but both people would have to want to and generally that’s not the case, even amongst most of my friends who are married. One is trying while the other isn’t.

“We have to allow ourselves to be loved by the people who really love us, the people who really matter. Too much of the time, we are blinded by our own pursuits of people to love us, people that don’t even matter, while all that time we waste and the people who do love us have to stand on the sidewalk and watch us beg in the streets! It’s time to put an end to this. It’s time for us to let ourselves be loved.”

The 2013 Day Blog Challenge: Day 18

February 27, 2013February 27, 2013 by maryhelenc, posted in ASH Blog Projects, Douchers, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Relationships, Seriously WTF?

Day 18: The Most Difficult Thing I’ve Ever Had to Forgive.

There is one person, but that subject will not be discussed here or anywhere else for that matter. It’s off limits.

I generally forgive everyone though. I don’t stay angry; it’s a waste of my time. I prefer to forgive and move forward with my life. Holding onto anger is liking drinking poison and hoping the other person will die. It’s pointless. Why waste time being angry @ someone? Chances are they feel like a bag of crap for hurting you anyway, so why make them feel worse about the whole thing?

I don’t forgive people for their sake; I do it for mine. I don’t want to hold onto things that make me angry as I would rather hold onto things that make me happy. I need to set an example for my daughters by showing them that while it’s okay to be mad, it’s not okay to STAY mad, especially because of something long forgotten.

Grudges suck & I’d rather not hold onto them. It’s a waste of my time, which I don’t have a lot of to begin with. I have a full life; school, my daughters, my various jobs all keep me very busy. I simply don’t have time to be angry about something someone did years ago or thinking about someone or something that isn’t worth it to me. Not to mention how damaging holding onto anger is to one’s health. I would rather avoid the migraines, weakened immune system (mine is already weak enough) and weakened liver that comes from holding onto anger. Not to mention holding onto anger causes you to say things you don’t mean, hurt the people you care about and prevent you from having successful interpersonal relationships down the line. You can’t be a friend to someone if you abandon people the first time they annoy you for your newer, better friends. You can’t be in a successful relationship if you’re still thinking about your former lover and how they hurt you, made you mad, are creeping them on FB, etc. You need to let those things go.

This is why I forgive everyone everything. I won’t forget and I’ll handle the residual scars as they come, but I’ll make sure I tell you about why I’m worried, hurting, etc. I’m not going to bottle it in and risk damaging my health, psyche and other interpersonal relationships over it. I would rather be happy and enjoy the world around me.

The 2013 30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 17

February 26, 2013February 28, 2013 by maryhelenc, posted in ASH Blog Projects, Celebrity Fluff, Relationships, WWE Wrasslin'

Day 17: Something you wish you were good at.

Nothing.

I have limited patience to learn a skill. I have many half completed crafts, paintings, projects, etc. Unless I’m truly passionate about something (writing), I really don’t care. I don’t feel some void because I lack talent in a particular area.

If I really wanted to excel @ something, I would. That sounds arrogant but its true. If I want to do well in something, I will work my butt off to excel, otherwise it’s a chore. This applies to my interpersonal relationships, work, education, et al. If I care, I will bust my butt to be the best (insert thing here) I can be. Otherwise I’m indifferent.

I love Drew’s photos, but I’ve never wanted to take them. I love my friend’s artwork but I have no desire to paint. I wouldn’t mind learning to ballroom dance, but I’ll take lessons someday. I don’t fret over what I can’t do; I only take joy in what I can do, because what I can do, I do well & I’m proud of the things I can do, to the level that I sometimes want to take a page from the Chris Jericho playbook & say I am the best in the world at what I do.

The 2013 30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 10

February 20, 2013March 11, 2013 by maryhelenc, posted in ASH Blog Projects, Dorkdom, Douchers, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Relationships

Day 10: Your most embrassing moment.

I don’t really get embarrassed. Mostly because I don’t care.

I sing along with my iPod in public, I wear a Pikachu hoodie. I have pillow fights with Drew in Target and regularly fall off of my own heels. I’m a klutz and a dork. Nope, not gonna get embarrassed.

We all do dumb stuff every single day. I do dumb stuff almost every single second of every single day. Doing dumb stuff just makes us human. What matters is how we react to the dumb stuff that we do. If we get embarrassed, we’re showing the world that we are ashamed of our actions, when every action is just something that happened. I prefer to own my actions, reactions, stupid or not. I have done some stupid things in the name of happiness, love and because I got really drunk. However, by owning them and admitting that:

1. I did it and;
2. It may have been the right/wrong/stupidest thing;

I am controlling those actions.

We’ve all done things. Good things. Bad things. Hurtful things. However, the true testament to the character of a person is how we handle those things. Did we hide? Did we run? Did we act ashamed? Or did we pick ourself up, dust ourself off, apologize if needed and carry on. Because honestly, that’s all we can do.

The 2013 30 Day Blog Challenge: Day Nine

February 19, 2013May 8, 2013 by maryhelenc, posted in ASH Blog Projects, Dear Blank, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, Relationships

Day Nine: List 10 people who influenced you and how.

Huzzah! I’m actually writing about y’all!

1. My daughters. They inspire me to be a better person every second of every day. They’re why I go to school, why I try hard to write. They influence everything I do; whom I date, whom I speak with, why I try harder to be nice, my carbon footprint. I want to give them everything in life that they feel would make it better, even the stuff that I just can’t do. Without them, I’d somehow be a bigger screw up than usual.

2. Drew. Drew is my best friend in the whole world. He tells me every day that I am awesome. He isn’t afraid to tell me I’m too nice and God help the person who hurts me. He will coldly shut them out FOREVER and make sure you know that he hates you and will continue to treat you like crap unless I can convince him that it hurts me to treat you like crap. Drew’s opinion matters to me. If he doesn’t like you, chances are you will be removed from my life, because he has a good reason. I trust his judgment implicitly & that’s why some people think we share a mind. Who knows? Maybe we do!

3. My foster father. Arguably the smartest and most awesome man in my entire life, he made me strive to be…anything because I could be anything. I may not have done everything the way he would have wanted me to, but I’ve tried my hardest and I hope he’s proud of me. He’s the standard of which I’ve set men, since my divorce, I’ve only considered men that have traits like my father.

4. The Gleason Table. My good friend and fellow blogger at the Gleason Table is one of two reasons this blog is still operational right now. He reminds me that I need to not give an effing eff and do what makes ME happy and not just let people walk all over me. He’s a good friend and a better man & he brings out the DILIGAF in me.

5. The Texan. The other reason my blog is still running; the Texan wouldn’t have it any other way! She’s a good friend who truly demonstrates God’s love every day by helping people, even a silly Canadian girl who can’t keep her life together. I look to her for guidance on how to love my neighbour and be a better person.

6. The Artist. My best girlfriend helps me strive to be a better housekeeper, something she struggles with too. We’re working together to improve as domestic engineers.

7. My College Professor. She’s a mom, the course coordinator for the journalism program at my alma mater and a published author. I would love to do everything like she does. The day she called me a colleague was the happiest day of my life.

8. Yogi & Dawna, the ASH Team. Drew gets his special spot, but my girls Yogi & Dawna influence me in a lot of ways. From pimping my blog to get me to 10K views to dishing out harsh love life advice, they influence me by reminding me that I don’t need to be perfect, just me.

9. The Psych Major. My Jeopardy partner BFF is always the voice of reason. Rarely is she wrong about the world; something to do with her background in psychology.

10. The Audience of One. When I launched this blog, I had one fan. The most wonderful thing he (anyone) ever said to me was “I’ve read every word you’ve ever written.” Unlike other men, my work wasn’t a hobby; it was my life & he was proud of me. He would help me work, brag about me. He built me up as this thing; sweet, beautiful, perfect, the ideal mate & how badly I wanted to be that thing, because he is that thing. I tried so hard to do it too, but being the tornado of screw up that I am, I failed. Then he said the most hurtful thing any human being has ever said to me, to the point where I wanted to shut down my project (even so, I’m not terribly proud of my current work). I guess he influenced me because I wanted to be the person he seemed to see in me, not the reality of suck that is the real me.

The 2013 30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 6

February 16, 2013February 16, 2013 by maryhelenc, posted in ASH Blog Projects, My New Life As Me, Relationships, Seriously WTF?, When Things Suck Hard

Day 6: Name the hardest thing you’ve ever had to do.

I’m not one to go on about really personal things on my blog. I prefer high level personal anecdotes. If you only read my blog & did not know me, you likely wouldn’t know intimate details about me & that’s how I like to keep it.

The hardest thing I’ve ever done is something only two people know (besides myself). It relates to a health issue that I dealt with back in August that left me quite ill & some days, just making my daughters breakfast left me so exhausted that I needed to rest. I was very emotional because I had never had to deal with something that serious on my own, with no partner to help me with the kids, or reassure me that I would be okay, which would have been nice as for three weeks I was a human pincushion while medical personnel didn’t know what was wrong & while I was physically recovered by the end of September, it took its toll on me emotionally.

It was rough, but fortunately I had two close friends to help me through. I’m grateful it’s behind me & I truly hope I’m never in a situation like that again.

The 2013 30 Day Blog Challenge: Day Four

February 14, 2013February 14, 2013 by maryhelenc, posted in ASH Blog Projects, Dorkdom, Douchers, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, MusicIsLifeIsMusicIsLife, My New Life As Me, Relationships, Seriously WTF?

Day Four: 10 Things you would tell your 16 year old self.

1. True girlfriends are hard to come by & you’ll likely never have more than two at a time. Some “girlfriends” will do all of those things you see in teen dramas. This never changes, even as adults. Hold on to the true girlfriends & mad love for your guy friends & your gay friends.

2. There’s no shame in being nice, even to people who hurt you. Always treat people the way you want to be treated.

3. There’s someone out there for you. When I find them, I’ll let you know.

4. Don’t keep trying to be perfect. You’ll never be perfect. Just be you.

5. You’re gonna interview Amanda Marshall. It’s awesome.

6. You’ll always be the good girl. You’ll always love & get your heart broken. You’ll never just put out without love. You’ll never be selfish. That’s okay. Don’t let anyone tell you there’s anything wrong with being the good girl. You’ll be the role model for your daughters.

7. Good music fixes everything.

8. Don’t stress when you put on weight. You’re still pretty & you were too thin anyway.

9. Geese will never stop being scary.

10. Life never gets easier. It’ll always hurt. People will leave. They’ll crush you. Sometimes you’ll wonder what’s the freaking point. The point is that you’re amazing & the people who truly matter will know. You’ll become a mom (& a good one), a writer & you’ll be alright. You’ll do amazing things. Just get through the crap by loving the good.

The 2013 30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 3

February 13, 2013February 13, 2013 by maryhelenc, posted in ASH Blog Projects, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Relationships

Day three: Describe your relationship with your parents.

Well, my relationship with my mom is odd, so I would rather describe my relationship as a parent.

I’m not a conventional parent. I will ask them what their major malfunction is when they take tantrums at the store. I don’t immediately step in for conflict. I ask them what they think the right choice is & they go to bed by 8:30 on school nights. We do structured activities like crafts & go on random adventures.

I know I’m not the “typical” mom & that’s okay. It works for us. I have three well behaved children who love everyone, are compassionate & bright. My 11yo is a gifted writer & musician & her teachers rave about her leadership skills. She reads non-stop & the lessons she takes from her books makes me proud. She’s environmentally conscious & is always striving to make our house more eco-friendly. My 6yo brought home a flawless report card & reads at a grade two level. Her piano teacher raves at how well she’s doing & her bright future in music. Her imagination is unparalleled. My 3yo is sweet & loving with a razor sharp memory & vocabulary skills that are superior to much older kids.

We talk about everything, they aren’t afraid to come to me & we resolve things as a family. We may not be conventional, but we love each other & we’ll figure this life thing out together…

…and if I can get them all off to college without knocking off a liquor store, that’ll be great too.

Radioactive

February 10, 2013February 10, 2013 by maryhelenc, posted in Dorkdom, Quotable Quotes and Potpourri, Relationships, Seriously WTF?

Word.

I’ve mentioned this quote in two other posts (HERE & HERE) & I love it so much, I’m going to reference it back again today:

“Most of the problems in life are caused by: 1. Acting without thinking & 2. Continuing to think without acting.”

I’m a horrible over-thinker & listen maybe too well…sort of. I couldn’t tell you what I learned in Transcription class this week, but I could tell you every word my friends & loved ones have ever said to me. Then I look @ the words that contradict the words said before & get confused.

But I also act impulsively & do dumb things. We all do & those are the things that end up hurting people that we care about. Then we overreact instead of trying to understand the other person’s POV, we simply react, lash out, cut them completely out of your life, get mad, etc.

So, then what?

You linger in the shadows of their life, lurking in doorways, revisiting what happened. Wishing you could repair that friendship, relationship, whatever. Anything of course, but do something about it.

You’ll listen to the familiar songs, reminiscent of that time, you’ll look at the old photos & laugh @ the memories. You’ll visit the places you used to go, haunt them like a ghost & cling to that last link to that person, but you won’t take that step to say “Hey, I was wrong. I’m sorry.”

It’s funny how humans are genetically designed to recoil from pain, but then will hold onto to the most painful things. We will wrap our guilt around us like a blanket, torture ourselves with it, but make no attempt to be happy. We’d rather hide in the dark. Maybe we all need to step out of the shadows & stop watching & start enjoying. Stop lurking on the fringes, stop dancing around, using every alternative method to hold on & actually do something. Life’s not meant to be spent hiding, asking what if & waiting to make that move, because in the end, it’s just another what if!

“What if I waited too long & I lost everything?”

Bleeding Out

February 7, 2013February 7, 2013 by maryhelenc, posted in Dorkdom, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Quotable Quotes and Potpourri, Relationships, Seriously WTF?

Ladies & gentlemen, my friends.

I’m sure she’s not the only one that fears death. Me, I’m not that concerned. It’s gonna happen, I can’t stop it & I have bomb ass life insurance to protect my daughters’ interests.

However, I find that more people fear living than they do dying. They let petty things ruin their happiness, they surround themselves with negative people, they don’t take the leaps of faith because “what if”. They hold onto guilt from past infractions & allow it to keep them from becoming the person we need to be. What kind of life is the “safe plan?” Sure, it might seem nice for awhile, until you look at the chances that you didn’t take or the ones that you thought you blew. Then when the reaper comes, all you’re left with is a series of unanswered questions. Not exactly a life well lived.

My friend & I discussed how we all live mundane lives & how that’s humanity. But…why? Why does it have to be mundane? Sure you may have the “mediocre” job or the average home, but those things don’t define you. I can honestly say my life is freaking amazing. Maybe reporter/single mom/law student seems mundane, but I’ve accomplished so many thing I never thought I could do, I have children that amaze me every day & friends who have my back. I’ve been on adventures big & small & I can sleep well knowing I’ve given everything in life all I had. It’s not much, but I know I’ve lived, every day.

We don’t know how many days we get between the DOB & DOD. Do you really want to waste them with anger, resentment, guilt or any of the things that hold us back? I know I don’t. I’m only gonna get one February 7/13 & I intend to use it well. I may not get a February 8/13.

In the end, we only have one life & many of us are wasting it. Let’s stop.

I saw this message from a life coach online, lets practice it: