Category: My New Life As Me

I’ll Take Everything

by maryhelenc, posted in Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Relationships

I find it funny how we do not identify ourselves by who we are, but rather the roles we play.

I am very guilty of this, as I am proud of the many hats that I wear on a day-to-day basis, but I’ve often wondered if one of the reasons we as humans succumb to pressure and systematically destroy our lives is our inability to define ourselves by who we are and not the roles we play.

If you ask people who I am, they’ll tell you “she’s a mom and a writer”. I’ll likely echo that statement. I may have added student to that list, but as I’m completing my studies next week, that will no longer be one of the hats that I wear. I define myself by my role as mother and by my job. My work, my talent defines me as a person, not my character traits.

Of course, we all do it. We’re so afraid of those hats, those titles that we start to worry that if we add a new hat, we lose some of our individuality. I loathed being known as a “wife” for some inexplicable reason. I wanted to be known as more. I didn’t mind being known as a “girlfriend” as long as you also recognized that I was a writer, a mom, someone’s friend, a coworker, etc. I think so many of us fear losing our identities by these titles. We destroy the best relationships because we’re going to acquire one of those titles, “spouse” or “partner” and we feel like we will lose ourselves. We want to be known for our education, our employment, our role as leader within the family. But why do we allow ourselves to be identified by these titles? For me, it’s a source of pride. I worked hard and overcame many things to become a published writer, so I use it as a source of pride for myself. I am proud of my children, and enjoy being known as their mother. However, men hide from the title of “husband” because then they feel they must be a leader. Women hide from the title of “wife” because it indicates submissiveness. Much like people see selflessness and kindness as weakness, we allow these titles (or potential titles) to strip us of our identities as people. Truthfully, those who worry that much about losing themselves within a relationship with a friend, lover, etc. likely have the least individuality. They simply take on the traits of those around them and play that role. It’s usually the relationship where we are truly allowed to be ourselves, the dynamics where we are forced to open up and be ourselves is the one that suffers when we struggle to meet expectations, when we struggle after setbacks. After all, it’s easy to settle back into the pretend roles, but not the ones where we have to be ourselves.

Perhaps we should only be identified by who we are, not what we do. Stop letting our occupations, family roles, actions define us. Choose to be known as only “ourselves.” For example, I’m MHC and I’m a mishmash of character traits and flaws and they all come together to be me. We should interact with people who do not define us by “the role” but those who see us for that mishmash of character traits, the good, bad and ugly and still want us around. The ones who think all we need to be is ourselves. That makes for the best friendships, partnerships, relationships, etc. Perhaps I should stop identifying myself by my life’s work or by my titles as well and focus on growing as a person. So, let’s take off the hats and start embracing ourselves and start identifying ourselves by who we are, not what we do and where we fit.

The Writer

by maryhelenc, posted in Crazy Talk, My New Life As Me, Relationships, Seriously WTF?, When Things Suck Hard

I stumbled across a blog called Grumpy Comments and it has provided me with great amusement (especially with the how to destroy your copy of the Hobbit post). It’s a fun read, I’d suggest checking it out.

But one thing the writer mentioned this week was the idea that when you’re unhappy, you actually can’t remember what it’s like to be happy (found here).

This is something I have thought about before, and it was refreshing to see someone else feels the same way. Sometimes, even when I was the happiest I have ever been, I often would feel a little bit tainted (as the author put it) because I would start to wonder if my own failings as person would somehow destroy my happy little place. Then, when you’re down and those moments where you were happiest seem so far away, you struggle to remember that moment when you actually were happy. You may have amazing things in your life to be happy about, but you’re so down, that sometimes you can’t remember them. I once knew a person who said that they had no idea how to be happy, that even if they wanted it with their heart & mind, one day, without warning, they would feel unhappy and simply abandon whatever pursuit it was that brought them joy instead of addressing why they felt that way. I told them it seemed like such a sad way to live, giving up on something before you’ve ever really begun.

But why do we do this? Why do we self sabotage happiness? Why can’t we enjoy it? Some people just don’t feel worthy of happiness, some of us are so afraid of spoiling the thing that makes them happy that they’d rather walk away from it, and some of us simply have been hurt so many times that our minds reject the very idea that we’ll actually be happy this time. By the time we’ve stopped analyzing, we’ve likely beaten our happiness into the ground.

Perhaps, we need to remind ourselves that we all deserve happiness, even if sometimes we don’t feel like it. We shouldn’t abandon our pursuit of it and we most certainly shouldn’t beat ourselves up if sometimes we question it, as long as we’re not destructive about it. Perhaps if we shift our focus just a little bit and remind ourselves that our happiness is deserved and worth working through our own inability to see it sometimes.

On Your Own

by maryhelenc, posted in Crazy Talk, Douchers, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Seriously WTF?

Once upon a time, in a time that seems like it was a million years ago, I spent every Friday night alone.

I loved it. My girls were in bed and my ex-husband and my best guy friend went to “Country Night” at this divey bar. They would generally drink too much and come home in a cab stupid, but I got to be alone. I would take a hot bath, watch Flashpoint, read a book, go to bed when I wanted (we had a marital rule that we had to go to bed together, always together. Blargh). It was lovely.

Fast forward to the separation and those random moments when we tried to be friends and I was free of the control and I would go to leave his apartment after we argued about something yet again and he would always say “Don’t go. You don’t know what it’s like to be alone. No one calls, no texts, nothing. The silence is horrible.” It wasn’t anger or control, it was mind numbing terror. He sounded so horrified, so sad, like the idea of another night by himself actually pained him. I remembered when we first split, his mother said to me “You will never understand what it is like to be so…alone.” Same thing, the terror. Even my friends would ask me how I intended to deal with being alone and they sounded scared.

Back in the summer, when I felt like things were horrible in my life and I was scraping together enough money to throw my child a decent birthday party, I ended up at his apartment. Not for any reason, except that I wanted to talk to him, rekindle our old friendship, for the girls and because I felt so completely alone. It ended horribly; we fought, I cried so hard. I ended up back @ home after a few hours feeling so small and meek. My friends were screaming @ me asking me why I’d go back there, etc. Truthfully, I just didn’t want to feel alone anymore. So, the past few months, I was afraid of feeling that weird alone place that everyone makes sound so horrifying, so I’ve been trying to spend as much time with people as possible, to avoid that feeling of alone, helpless, quiet.

However, I’m slowly learning that’s why I’m not really an equal in any of my relationships with people. Because I’m so afraid of being isolated from the people I care about, I will do anything to avoid people walking out of my life. I’ll whine, beg, act like an ass and ruin all of my interpersonal relationships. It’s not anyone’s fault; human nature is to use the tools we have to get what we want. If we feel slighted, we will use someone’s Achilles heel to achieve the desired result of “getting your own way.” We all do it, whether we want to admit it or not. However, about a week or two ago, I got thinking about the moment I feared being alone. Yes, isolation has always been used against me, as it was an oft-used childhood punishment, but during my younger years, I would fall off the grid for days, weeks, just because I wanted to veg out. If someone got mad @ me, I would apologize if it was justified and otherwise it was “oh well, if the friendship meant something, we’ll talk it out when they calm down and we’ll both get our feet out of our mouths.” It wasn’t until I heard the terror in the voices of grown men and women, that being alone was so horrifying, that you’ll eventually be driven mad by it.

So, I stopped.

I only replied to a few text messages. I stopped leaving my house except for school. I stopped calling people. I cancelled yet another date. I just sat at home. I watched TV (Chicago Fire is pretty awesome), but most importantly, I didn’t die.

In fact, it wasn’t so bad at all.

Maybe being alone isn’t so terrifying. Maybe it’s just what is. I don’t NEED to be around people to feel sane, because it’s not the end of the world to be alone. I don’t need to constantly be around people every single second of my life, inundating them with chatter or reaching out because otherwise I’ll be in this horrible void of nothingness known as the big, bad…alone.

I’ll just be learning to relax, which honestly, would do me a world of good.

Storm

by maryhelenc, posted in Crazy Talk, Dear Blank, Douchers, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Relationships, Seriously WTF?, When Things Suck Hard

Normally I write drivel for what I believe is your amusement. Today, I’m writing for myself, to accept a part of me that I’ve hidden (unsuccessfully) for years; my battle with depression.

Throughout my life, I have struggled with depression. I attempted to kill myself @ 10 years old. I stopped eating for a spell in high school when a teacher said I had an “above average weight” (ironically enough, the student she called “fatty” is the one that helped me through it). I let my self esteem deteriorate after two abusive relationships, one in which I was raped & beaten, the marriage where I was told I was fat, ugly & worthless & my only value was to be degraded sexually. I developed PPD after the births of my children. I miscarried three different times and each time I lost my mind. The last two years have been a roller coaster of events, all of which have affected my coping skills. My marriage ended & for the first time in my life, I was on my own & I had never even gone grocery shopping without my ex-husband! I went back to school, jumping into a career path I didn’t think through. I met someone and I fell in love. But with great power comes great responsibilty. I had never had to make choices for myself and I was afraid of messing them up. I was uneasy w/ my academic choice. I had never formed close connections with people before. So, I let my boyfriend walk all over me because I loved him and wanted him to feel safe and understood. I wanted to make him happy, so I kept putting my wants below anything he wanted. I let my friends walk all over me, because I was afraid I’d lose my support system. While I was doing this, I was making myself second best. My friends & my former boyfriend were wonderful and never made me feel unloved or not special, but when they would do something that annoyed me, I would clam up, because I was afraid they would cut me out. I would have trusted these people with my life, but not to remain a part of it and my former boyfriend always wanted to know why I would get overly upset about small things or randomly get super clingy, then flip. He wanted to understand, but the truth was, I didn’t know why. I explained certain things that contributed, but the underlying fear, I honestly couldn’t explain and I was afraid “I don’t know” wouldn’t be enough.

As the months went on, I grew more anxious. I sucked in school. My journalism career was going nowhere. My eldest daughter needed counselling, I bounced a bunch of bill payments and I felt like I was failing. I didn’t have a steady income and I was buried under debt. The final straw? My relationship ended and I broke under the pressure. I moped, because the real problems kept piling up and I felt like I was drowning under a sea of bad choices. I just kept thinking; Why law? Why didn’t you think this through? Why does she have to be on a waiting list, help my kid! Why can’t I help my kid? Why can’t I find a job? Why do I have no motivation to keep my house in order? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?! I had never had to face crisis situations alone, I always had a partner who took control & now it was all on me & I felt like I was doing it all wrong. I was afraid of being judged, labelled crazy or viewed as a liability to the people in my life. I lived in this fishbowl, and I wanted so badly to be the Superwoman persona I made for myself. Superwoman isn’t depressed.

Things improved; my relationship resumed and I was so happy and yet so terrified, because I saw how easily he could leave. I was offered a position @ a new magazine that would allow me to do what I loved full time & I finally felt like I had made it as a writer. But, I was still flailing. I had to do everything I didn’t do when I was busy being miserable & situations were escalating & tense. I didn’t talk about the huge problems because I wanted to do it alone so badly, so I focused on the smallest problem, because I thought if I could fix something little, I could finally feel like I could tackle the growing mountain of laundry and debt (which my counsellor told me is very normal for those who suffer with anxiety). Because I was so skittish in my relationship, I would make mistakes, and I again let him walk all over me. I didn’t say the thing I needed to say, which was that I was scared he’d walk out again any second & please work with me on this so we’re both comfortable. I couldn’t because I thought he’d feel like I was punishing him and he’d leave, which he did. Then I had the guilt of my youngest daughter asking for her best friend, my eldest daughter’s anger at me for making him go away, my middle daughter crying because she loved him & wanted him to be with us…and it was my fault. I hated myself because they were so hurt & when I tried to fix it, I displaced aggression (some justified, some not) and made it worse, strained all of my friendships & I felt like nothing.

My law career continued to flounder; I kept getting the run around at my job. For every major victory (helping my eldest child, finalizing my divorce and removing government prescence from my life), there was a setback someplace else. Suddenly, I felt like all of those insults my ex-husband hurled @ me were validated in my mind. Look, MH couldn’t keep it together! She lost her direction, her boyfriend, her friends and she’s no role model for her daughters. I grew so dependent on everyone to try and help make it okay while pretending I was okay, which of course was a façade that all of my closest friends saw through and grew to resent me, and I grew passive aggressive because I had spent so long feeling like I gave more than I got that I couldn’t see that they were trying to help me. Suddenly, I was the person that I despised. So, I made phone calls, my best friends told me off (which I thank them for, sometimes we need a good kick in the ass to help us realize how far we’ve let ourselves sink. No one ever thinks of how much we’re hurting the people we love most when we’re consumed with sadness, and sometimes it takes them to throw it in your face to help you see that you’re impacting their lives too) and I had a good cry. I realized I had become that thing I used to be; weak, sad, and unable to focus and sometimes even hurtful to people I love. I talked to my doctor and we took an assessment and I suffer from clinical depression and anxiety disorder. I wanted so badly to be in control of my life for the first time ever, that I would have panic attacks when things went wrong. But I wasn’t getting help to get them under control, so the attacks would get worse and last longer until I was living in this constant string of anxiety and fear. My counsellor said I was likely subconsciously pushing everyone away because I hated who I was becoming and I wanted all of these people that I loved so much to leave me alone so they wouldn’t have to put up with me anymore. I was self-sabotaging, because I thought they deserved better than me, so I would subconsciously do things to make them cut me out…only when they left, I felt more broken, because I missed them. Now, I’ve got a plan. Between anti-anxiety medication, exercise, working with a dietician & individual and group counselling, I’m going to finally be the person I’m supposed to be.

Why am I writing this? Because it’s a part of me and I need to accept it. The reason my life is such a mess is because I refused to just admit I needed help, take responsibility and be open. I put up walls so people would think I was invincible. I didn’t trust the people I loved that I felt so overwhelmed with my life that sometimes it felt like I was smothering because everyone said they admired the facade & every time they said they admired me, I wanted to scream “WHY?! I’M THE LAST PERSON YOU SHOULD LOOK UP TO EVER LOOK @ WHAT I’VE DONE TO MY LIFE!” I alienated everyone because I couldn’t just say:

“I’m scared that I can’t do this. I’m scared I’m going to ruin everything and mess up my girls and go broke and never make the effort to be a good housekeeper. I’m scared that I’m not a good friend or partner or parent & a drain on you & that I’m putting too much pressure on all of you & I’ll end up pushing you away. I’ve never been on my own and I want to make the right choices but it scares me to make them. Every time I have to I get scared that I’m doing the wrong thing and the things I’m sure about I keep mucking up. I don’t know why I’m so unhappy, please don’t think I’m insane & please still love me while I make myself better.”

As a writer, I say there should be no stigma, but for over a year (& most of my life), I’ve been so ashamed of knowing I would go through months of sadness & pick an arbitrary reason because the honest truth is, I couldn’t even tell you why I get this way. Part of me hopes maybe I won’t feel like I’m alone, that maybe by finally saying the words I’ve held in, I’ll be able to value myself like I do the people I love…and I’ll finally be a role model for my girls. This is why I often write about the idea that no one is too broken to be loved by someone; it’s my greatest wish…for myself.

Maybe I just martyred myself, or gave people fodder to laugh and for once, I don’t care. I NEED to make myself accountable to follow through with treatment. So, my name is Mary-Helen and I’m a journalist who works in a law office and I also struggle with mental illness. I won’t be magically cured by a pill, but it’s going to help. I’m sometimes going to struggle, sometimes I’m going to cry about nothing and self-sabotage and get lost in meloncholy. But I’m going to also work every day for the rest of my life to make that stop and while I’m not okay right now, I will be.

For The Nights I Can’t Remember

by maryhelenc, posted in ASH Photography, Dorkdom, Mommydom, My New Life As Me

“Mommy, why do you take so many photos?”

My 6yo asked me this today after I took about four photos of her in line waiting for the Easter Bunny. I told her its because she’s so pretty. But I do take a million pictures & showcase them on my various social networking sites (FB, Twitter, Instagram).

The reason is simple. The Notebook.

***Before you start with “God Dammit MHC, haven’t you drawn enough parallels to the Notebook,” hear me out***

The idea that I could end up forgetting my entire life freaks me out. I couldn’t imagine having ALS & forgetting the moments I hold most dear. Almost all of my favourite gifts to give are photos. They adorn my walls. I gave my one of my best friends a photo frame with every photo of her & her wife for Xmas. I gave another a frame for his desk of all of us when he got a new shift. My girls once made a book full of photos for someone they loved. When you look @ photos, you’re instantly transported back to that memory (I do the same thing with music. Certain songs remind me of certain moments & will always be attributed to that moment. I mentioned a few in a previous post.)

Not to mention there are so few photos of my childhood. No birthdays, no school photos, nothing. My childhood is a traumatic blur. I don’t want my daughters to have the same thing. I want them to laugh @ their baby photos & look back on trips to the park, old friends, etc. Maybe that’s why it’s hard to look back on my childhood & remember anything good, because there isn’t a single photo to remind me.

Bad memories linger like scabs we pick at while good ones fade to the background. That’s why photos are so important. It’s easy to forget that day at the park playing in the water, that hilarious time you goofed off in class, or that trip to the art gallery, but the fights linger on.

So, I take as many photos as possible so I can remember all of those days & nights & random moments that would otherwise fade to the back of my mind. Because as much as I don’t want to admit it, I’m going to get old & my mind will weaken & some of the moments that I hold dearest will fade. That is why I take so many pictures, so that I’ll have them, long after the moment is gone.

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Who Knew

by maryhelenc, posted in Dorkdom, My New Life As Me, Seriously WTF?

As part of my never ending quest to feel less blah, I decided to take a Career Aptitude Test!

I answered 485 questions of awesomeness. They ranged from my intergity, poise, intellect, promptness, etc.

I'm going to post some of the my answers, because they are amazeballs.
I’m going to post some of the my answers, because they are amazeballs.

So, I spent 25 minutes answering these various questions, in the hopes that maybe I could find a super cool new career that would help me find some sort of direction.

careertest

I was so excited to find out what my super cool new career path would be.

hilarious

And I got the results!

It took 485 questions for you to figure that out test? My friends could have told you that in 1/2 a second!
It took 485 questions for you to figure that out test? My friends could have told you that in 1/2 a second!

My ideal job: MEDIA relations!

So…what I learned (aside from the fact that I will never get that 25 minutes of my life back), is that maybe I actually do know what I’m doing. Maybe the problem isn’t that I’m on the wrong path, it’s that I know all of the answers, it’s just waiting for the answers to work themselves out that’s frustrating me. Maybe I have a lack of patience…or a lack of follow-through. Maybe I just need to be smarter and start looking for media positions that will help me grow as a writer, not keep me stagnant. Maybe I need to pursue a different type of journalism. Maybe I need to start taking some risks with my writing, which will pull me out of the professional doldrums.

Maybe the problem is just that I rely too much on wanting the world to bend to what I want on my time, in my way in a tangible way that I understand, when in reality, sometimes you just have to let things figure themselves out on their own. I’m in this constant fight to control every little thing that goes on around me in the hopes that I can maintain some sort of independence, but in reality, all I’m doing is pulling myself further into the sinkhole because the world doesn’t work that way. My hippie friend always tells me that sometimes I have to trust that my gut instincts are right and stop doubting that things are coming together because I cannot see them coming together and we have to have faith that the universe will put everything as it should be when it’s supposed to, not when Princess MH demands it. Maybe that’s my problem. Maybe I need to work on being patient and letting things happen as they should, not because I’m growing antsy. Maybe I should trust my gut instincts instead of allowing things like aptitude tests and even the opinions of those around me influence my path and start carving out the life I want for myself and my daughters. Maybe I should start trusting my own judgment instead of constantly hoping those around me approve. Maybe?

Paralyzed

by maryhelenc, posted in ASH General, Current Events, Douchers, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Political Fluff, Quotable Quotes and Potpourri, Seriously WTF?

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Ummmm…this is sort of true.

I understand that Mr. Warren speaks about same sex marriage, but the idea itself is not wrong.

He’s wrong because LGBT isn’t a lifestyle, it’s simply who one is, so his quote doesn’t apply there, but everyone has a different style of life. Smoking marijuana is part of a lifestyle, so is eating healthy. Some of the people I love do these things. Caffeine is a staple of my lifestyle.

I have convictions & a moral centre. I believe promises must always be kept, & I try my best to keep them. I think if you gave your word, you have to do whatever it takes to keep it, even if it hurts for awhile (hence the fatal flaw). I believe that sex is a serious act that must only be given in love & if you have been given that, it’s because I genuinely thought that you were the person I was going to spend my life with. I believe in honesty, kindness & that anger is stupid, to the point that when goaded into anger, I will actually break down into sobs because I just hate anger. But those are my convictions, & apply only to me.

The people I love most in this world do not agree with my convictions, & I do not love them any less, nor do they love me any less. The difference is that we are not trying to pass laws to make what we think is “right” the social norm.

You don’t have to compromise your convictions, but your convictions are not “better” than anyone else’s. if you disagree with the stoner lifestyle, don’t do drugs. If you do not like the idea of working moms, don’t work. But please remember that those should only apply to your family, your life. Also, remember that you did not make the choice to be straight, nor is it a “lifestyle.” If you don’t want to marry someone of the same sex, or anyone, you don’t have to! You also don’t have to eat flax bread! But remember, there are people who enjoy flax bread & they might want to marry someone of the same sex. The flax bread is the lifestyle choice, the other isn’t.

So, remember, everyone has a moral code. No two are the same. Lets respect all convictions, not just the ones we understand.

Life Is Waiting

by maryhelenc, posted in Dear Blank, Douchers, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Quotable Quotes and Potpourri, WWE Wrasslin'

In the words of the late Owen Hart:

“Enough is enough & it’s time for a change.”

My life has been in this sort of holding pattern & I feel stuck.

Truthfully, my life hasn’t really been my own for a long time. I like to pretend it is, but it hasn’t been. The divorce & custody proceedings have kept me from adequately planning a future. For six months, I’ve kept my personal life on hold because I believed a person who promised me they would always come back for me, no matter what. So, I waited, rejecting any possible suitor because I trusted that he’d come back for me like he said he would. The divorce is final, & people break promises every day (the MH fatal flaw, believing in promises & holding them sacred). Law is definitely not for me & my media prospects are limited, & this leaves me spinning my wheels, wondering what to do.

I’m professionally dissatisfied, personally dissatisfied & just kind of blah. So, I need to start coming up with a plan to make my future more what I’d like it to be, instead of waiting, hoping it’ll all just fall into place. I need to take control of my life & make it work for me, no more excuses.

First thing is a career change, one that requires an education that is only offered far from Windsor. It’d be a better fit for me, something more people focused & less paperwork. Perhaps leaving Windsor is what I need. You can’t wait for something that is never coming if you’re not near it. Maybe putting as much space there will make it easier, because I don’t want to keep waiting for something that just won’t happen. The one thing that worries me most is leaving my good friends to venture somewhere that I don’t know anyone. But I didn’t know anyone when I moved to Windsor & I met amazing people. Maybe it’ll happen again. I’d only be a train ride away & technology will keep us in touch too. However, I’m not sure that I want to leave town to pursue a career that may or may not be right for me. Then I’d be far from my support system and still have no clear direction.

There’s also the girls to consider. They need their Dad & I’m not sure how he’d feel about us leaving. Obviously, we’d need to work that out and I’m not sure how well that would go, seeing as he has no access to transportation, which would impede him from being able to see them on a regular basis, which isn’t something I want to restrict the girls from.

Truthfully, this is only one plan. Plans change all of the time. But I definitely need to figure out where & who I want to be so I can do that. I’m not good @ complacency, I need to start achieving…once I figure out what that is.

My Blog Knows What You Did In The Dark

by maryhelenc, posted in Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Seriously WTF?

Apparently I sweat the small stuff.

I don’t get angry or frustrated at huge issues, but the small ones drive me bananas.

When my life is hectic and there are eleventy billion major issues going on in my life, it’s no thing. However, there will be one teensy problem, one minor issue and it will drive me NUTS to the point where I obsess and become insufferable because I just want to fix that tiny problem.

I’ve always had this belief that life is like the messy garage. That garage looks so overwhelming with piles of boxes and crap everywhere and that stack of stuff may just fall on your head. So, I’ll pick up a broom and sweep the floor. For some reason, sweeping the floor will help me want to tackle the giant job because Look! I swept the floor! Sure, it seems so small and really effing miniscule, but I tackled something and good for me! It helps me feel like I can take on all of the big problems.

I always feel this way in my real life. I hate the feeling that I can’t handle my life, because I need to feel like I’m not screwing up. So, I will talk to my friends about the stress of a super tiny, unimportant problem and drive everyone batty, but it’s only because the big stuff feels so…big, so I’ll talk about the little thing because I can fix the little thing quickly. It’ll take two seconds to fix that little thing and then I can fix the big things, because I fixed that little minor issue and that means I have problem solving skills! I’m so determined to handle all of my major issues alone, that I get stuck asking for help. So instead, I focus on a small issue, something that I feel I can fix, which will help me feel confident handling the big stuff.

So, if I seem overly fixated on my incorrect coffee order, or that issue with my phone bill, or something equally as inane, it’s because there are likely a ton of other things I’m struggling to deal with on my own. Perhaps I need to stop trying so hard to be super human MHC and actually ask for help when things go awry instead of drive everyone crazy by focusing on that tiny, unimportant thing that in the long run seems so pointless. Maybe I need to reevaluate my thinking and find a balance, so I don’t feel like I’m surrendering my independence by asking for help for the big stuff and stop thinking fixing the small stuff will help me handle the big stuff. Maybe then my messed up coffee order or that inane problem won’t become such a sticking point and I can learn to stop sweating the small stuff.