Month: March 2013

For The Nights I Can’t Remember

by maryhelenc, posted in ASH Photography, Dorkdom, Mommydom, My New Life As Me

“Mommy, why do you take so many photos?”

My 6yo asked me this today after I took about four photos of her in line waiting for the Easter Bunny. I told her its because she’s so pretty. But I do take a million pictures & showcase them on my various social networking sites (FB, Twitter, Instagram).

The reason is simple. The Notebook.

***Before you start with “God Dammit MHC, haven’t you drawn enough parallels to the Notebook,” hear me out***

The idea that I could end up forgetting my entire life freaks me out. I couldn’t imagine having ALS & forgetting the moments I hold most dear. Almost all of my favourite gifts to give are photos. They adorn my walls. I gave my one of my best friends a photo frame with every photo of her & her wife for Xmas. I gave another a frame for his desk of all of us when he got a new shift. My girls once made a book full of photos for someone they loved. When you look @ photos, you’re instantly transported back to that memory (I do the same thing with music. Certain songs remind me of certain moments & will always be attributed to that moment. I mentioned a few in a previous post.)

Not to mention there are so few photos of my childhood. No birthdays, no school photos, nothing. My childhood is a traumatic blur. I don’t want my daughters to have the same thing. I want them to laugh @ their baby photos & look back on trips to the park, old friends, etc. Maybe that’s why it’s hard to look back on my childhood & remember anything good, because there isn’t a single photo to remind me.

Bad memories linger like scabs we pick at while good ones fade to the background. That’s why photos are so important. It’s easy to forget that day at the park playing in the water, that hilarious time you goofed off in class, or that trip to the art gallery, but the fights linger on.

So, I take as many photos as possible so I can remember all of those days & nights & random moments that would otherwise fade to the back of my mind. Because as much as I don’t want to admit it, I’m going to get old & my mind will weaken & some of the moments that I hold dearest will fade. That is why I take so many pictures, so that I’ll have them, long after the moment is gone.

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Who Knew

by maryhelenc, posted in Dorkdom, My New Life As Me, Seriously WTF?

As part of my never ending quest to feel less blah, I decided to take a Career Aptitude Test!

I answered 485 questions of awesomeness. They ranged from my intergity, poise, intellect, promptness, etc.

I'm going to post some of the my answers, because they are amazeballs.
I’m going to post some of the my answers, because they are amazeballs.

So, I spent 25 minutes answering these various questions, in the hopes that maybe I could find a super cool new career that would help me find some sort of direction.

careertest

I was so excited to find out what my super cool new career path would be.

hilarious

And I got the results!

It took 485 questions for you to figure that out test? My friends could have told you that in 1/2 a second!
It took 485 questions for you to figure that out test? My friends could have told you that in 1/2 a second!

My ideal job: MEDIA relations!

So…what I learned (aside from the fact that I will never get that 25 minutes of my life back), is that maybe I actually do know what I’m doing. Maybe the problem isn’t that I’m on the wrong path, it’s that I know all of the answers, it’s just waiting for the answers to work themselves out that’s frustrating me. Maybe I have a lack of patience…or a lack of follow-through. Maybe I just need to be smarter and start looking for media positions that will help me grow as a writer, not keep me stagnant. Maybe I need to pursue a different type of journalism. Maybe I need to start taking some risks with my writing, which will pull me out of the professional doldrums.

Maybe the problem is just that I rely too much on wanting the world to bend to what I want on my time, in my way in a tangible way that I understand, when in reality, sometimes you just have to let things figure themselves out on their own. I’m in this constant fight to control every little thing that goes on around me in the hopes that I can maintain some sort of independence, but in reality, all I’m doing is pulling myself further into the sinkhole because the world doesn’t work that way. My hippie friend always tells me that sometimes I have to trust that my gut instincts are right and stop doubting that things are coming together because I cannot see them coming together and we have to have faith that the universe will put everything as it should be when it’s supposed to, not when Princess MH demands it. Maybe that’s my problem. Maybe I need to work on being patient and letting things happen as they should, not because I’m growing antsy. Maybe I should trust my gut instincts instead of allowing things like aptitude tests and even the opinions of those around me influence my path and start carving out the life I want for myself and my daughters. Maybe I should start trusting my own judgment instead of constantly hoping those around me approve. Maybe?

Paralyzed

by maryhelenc, posted in ASH General, Current Events, Douchers, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Political Fluff, Quotable Quotes and Potpourri, Seriously WTF?

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Ummmm…this is sort of true.

I understand that Mr. Warren speaks about same sex marriage, but the idea itself is not wrong.

He’s wrong because LGBT isn’t a lifestyle, it’s simply who one is, so his quote doesn’t apply there, but everyone has a different style of life. Smoking marijuana is part of a lifestyle, so is eating healthy. Some of the people I love do these things. Caffeine is a staple of my lifestyle.

I have convictions & a moral centre. I believe promises must always be kept, & I try my best to keep them. I think if you gave your word, you have to do whatever it takes to keep it, even if it hurts for awhile (hence the fatal flaw). I believe that sex is a serious act that must only be given in love & if you have been given that, it’s because I genuinely thought that you were the person I was going to spend my life with. I believe in honesty, kindness & that anger is stupid, to the point that when goaded into anger, I will actually break down into sobs because I just hate anger. But those are my convictions, & apply only to me.

The people I love most in this world do not agree with my convictions, & I do not love them any less, nor do they love me any less. The difference is that we are not trying to pass laws to make what we think is “right” the social norm.

You don’t have to compromise your convictions, but your convictions are not “better” than anyone else’s. if you disagree with the stoner lifestyle, don’t do drugs. If you do not like the idea of working moms, don’t work. But please remember that those should only apply to your family, your life. Also, remember that you did not make the choice to be straight, nor is it a “lifestyle.” If you don’t want to marry someone of the same sex, or anyone, you don’t have to! You also don’t have to eat flax bread! But remember, there are people who enjoy flax bread & they might want to marry someone of the same sex. The flax bread is the lifestyle choice, the other isn’t.

So, remember, everyone has a moral code. No two are the same. Lets respect all convictions, not just the ones we understand.

Life Is Waiting

by maryhelenc, posted in Dear Blank, Douchers, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Quotable Quotes and Potpourri, WWE Wrasslin'

In the words of the late Owen Hart:

“Enough is enough & it’s time for a change.”

My life has been in this sort of holding pattern & I feel stuck.

Truthfully, my life hasn’t really been my own for a long time. I like to pretend it is, but it hasn’t been. The divorce & custody proceedings have kept me from adequately planning a future. For six months, I’ve kept my personal life on hold because I believed a person who promised me they would always come back for me, no matter what. So, I waited, rejecting any possible suitor because I trusted that he’d come back for me like he said he would. The divorce is final, & people break promises every day (the MH fatal flaw, believing in promises & holding them sacred). Law is definitely not for me & my media prospects are limited, & this leaves me spinning my wheels, wondering what to do.

I’m professionally dissatisfied, personally dissatisfied & just kind of blah. So, I need to start coming up with a plan to make my future more what I’d like it to be, instead of waiting, hoping it’ll all just fall into place. I need to take control of my life & make it work for me, no more excuses.

First thing is a career change, one that requires an education that is only offered far from Windsor. It’d be a better fit for me, something more people focused & less paperwork. Perhaps leaving Windsor is what I need. You can’t wait for something that is never coming if you’re not near it. Maybe putting as much space there will make it easier, because I don’t want to keep waiting for something that just won’t happen. The one thing that worries me most is leaving my good friends to venture somewhere that I don’t know anyone. But I didn’t know anyone when I moved to Windsor & I met amazing people. Maybe it’ll happen again. I’d only be a train ride away & technology will keep us in touch too. However, I’m not sure that I want to leave town to pursue a career that may or may not be right for me. Then I’d be far from my support system and still have no clear direction.

There’s also the girls to consider. They need their Dad & I’m not sure how he’d feel about us leaving. Obviously, we’d need to work that out and I’m not sure how well that would go, seeing as he has no access to transportation, which would impede him from being able to see them on a regular basis, which isn’t something I want to restrict the girls from.

Truthfully, this is only one plan. Plans change all of the time. But I definitely need to figure out where & who I want to be so I can do that. I’m not good @ complacency, I need to start achieving…once I figure out what that is.

Just A Fool

by maryhelenc, posted in Celebrity Fluff, Current Events, Douchers, Mommydom, Seriously WTF?, Social Media, Television

I’m always amused (and sometimes disgusted) by the internet.

People hide behind their keyboards and tear everyone around them apart behind user names and the like and use the concept of internet anonymity and free speech to defend their rights to be evil people.

I don’t believe in internet anonymity. Sorry, but it’s bullcrap. I use my real name on my Facebook account, Twitter too. I don’t hide behind an alias so employers can’t find me, post on websites like People and EW.com under my real name and my blog’s comments are moderated and my site has security. If you wouldn’t say it to someone’s face, you shouldn’t be able to do it on the internet.

Which brings me to my point. People magazine posted a photo a slimmer and more natural Christina Aguilera at the premiere of the Voice. The comments from supposed adults ranged from complimentary to comments of “she’s still a pig” or oinking. These comments are likely from the very same people who wonder where these kids get the idea that bullying other kids online is okay.

I love Christina Aguilera. I’ve made no secret about it. She’s a talented woman who gives no eff about what you think of her. She’s gonna wear tight clothes and dye her hair pink and wear ridiculous makeup and she doesn’t care. Why? Because she is comfortable and happy. I don’t always agree with the clothing choices of my friends (or my 6yo, who dresses in a way that can only be described as her), but she’s happy, so who cares? This is the lesson we should be teaching women. Wear what you want. Cut your hair how you want. Whatever. As long as you show people respect, your body is your own.

We live in this weird world where we judge women by their haircuts, the length of their skirts, the tightness of their tops and their makeup instead of by what we can do and then pretend to be outraged when the news focuses on the “promising futures” of convicted rapists. We hide behind righteous indignation, claiming that we feel for that poor girl for being judged for what she drank or wore, but then turn around and call Kim Kardashian a slut or Chrisitna Aguilera a pig. Why would a man look at a woman in a short skirt and not devalue her when we all do the same thing under a username behind a keyboard?

We can’t teach our children to stop bullying when we do it too. We are adults, we need to set the example and look at how we address people. We need to stop using the excuse that “they’re famous so they expect it” when we call Miley a “butch” or a “troll” and “She knew what she was getting into” when the girl in our friends Facebook photo wore the short skirt. Even if you use a user name and hide behind a keyboard, you know who you are and what you’re projecting and if you wouldn’t want it said to your sister/daughter/best friend, you probably shouldn’t say it about anyone.

Mirrors

by maryhelenc, posted in Celebrity Fluff, Dorkdom, Mommydom, Quotable Quotes and Potpourri, Relationships

“One of the greatest gifts you can give anybody is the gift of your honest self…”

Yesterday marked the birthday of one of the greatest minds in the history of everything; Mr. Rogers.

Yes, Mr. Rogers was a freaking genius. He believed in handling things in his life with quiet honesty, talking to children like they were actual people, and helping them understand the world with gentle guidance and patience, something the modern world is missing. Mr. Rogers was a genuinely good man, who loved God, wore sweaters made by his mother and was devoted to his wife until his passing in 2003. He was arguably one of the most beautiful souls on Earth and I’m so glad his family decided to continue his legacy by recreating the world of make believe on Daniel Tiger’s Neighbourhood, a favourite of my three year old.

Mr. Rogers believed that kids could spot a phoney from a mile away, which is true (nothing is crueller IMO than hurting a child. If a child truly loves you, adores you, and thinks you’re special and you hurt them or walk out on them, then you should reevaluate who you are as a person, because you’re probably horrible), so he opted to be as honest and kind as he could, so that children knew he cared about them. He taught them such things as it’s okay to get mad, as long as we don’t hurt people. It’s okay to be hurt and it’s okay to feel sad. Mr. Rogers helped kids to understand that it’s okay to have feelings.

Mr. Rogers also believed that love was the most important thing ever. He said the greatest lesson we could teach someone is that we love them and that they were capable of being loved and giving love, something we as adults lost somewhere along the way. One thing that he wanted to remind people was “Love isn’t a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun like struggle. To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now.” Another lesson lost on adults. Sometimes, we love people. Sometimes, they suck. Sometimes, you suck. Sometimes, we all suck. But we expect everyone to understand our flaws while rejecting the other person’s. We expect perfection while demanding acceptance.

Maybe I really am just a naive person with a child-like outlook @ the world, but I like how Mr. Rogers looks @ things. It’s okay to be angry/sad/kooky/batsh*t crazy and you’re still worthy of being loved. You’ll eff up royally and you still deserve to be loved and you can still love people even when they aren’t perfect. In fact, it’s totally okay. All of your emotions are valid and it’s okay to talk about them and kindness works so much better than cruelty. It just all sounds so much better than tearing each other apart, driving people away and doing terrible things to one another. I think I’d like the world a lot better if we adopted Mr. Rogers’s school of thought, maybe we would enjoy being neighbours.

My Blog Knows What You Did In The Dark

by maryhelenc, posted in Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Seriously WTF?

Apparently I sweat the small stuff.

I don’t get angry or frustrated at huge issues, but the small ones drive me bananas.

When my life is hectic and there are eleventy billion major issues going on in my life, it’s no thing. However, there will be one teensy problem, one minor issue and it will drive me NUTS to the point where I obsess and become insufferable because I just want to fix that tiny problem.

I’ve always had this belief that life is like the messy garage. That garage looks so overwhelming with piles of boxes and crap everywhere and that stack of stuff may just fall on your head. So, I’ll pick up a broom and sweep the floor. For some reason, sweeping the floor will help me want to tackle the giant job because Look! I swept the floor! Sure, it seems so small and really effing miniscule, but I tackled something and good for me! It helps me feel like I can take on all of the big problems.

I always feel this way in my real life. I hate the feeling that I can’t handle my life, because I need to feel like I’m not screwing up. So, I will talk to my friends about the stress of a super tiny, unimportant problem and drive everyone batty, but it’s only because the big stuff feels so…big, so I’ll talk about the little thing because I can fix the little thing quickly. It’ll take two seconds to fix that little thing and then I can fix the big things, because I fixed that little minor issue and that means I have problem solving skills! I’m so determined to handle all of my major issues alone, that I get stuck asking for help. So instead, I focus on a small issue, something that I feel I can fix, which will help me feel confident handling the big stuff.

So, if I seem overly fixated on my incorrect coffee order, or that issue with my phone bill, or something equally as inane, it’s because there are likely a ton of other things I’m struggling to deal with on my own. Perhaps I need to stop trying so hard to be super human MHC and actually ask for help when things go awry instead of drive everyone crazy by focusing on that tiny, unimportant thing that in the long run seems so pointless. Maybe I need to reevaluate my thinking and find a balance, so I don’t feel like I’m surrendering my independence by asking for help for the big stuff and stop thinking fixing the small stuff will help me handle the big stuff. Maybe then my messed up coffee order or that inane problem won’t become such a sticking point and I can learn to stop sweating the small stuff.