Today I discovered the most amazing thing! It’s called “Alternative Facts!”
KellyAnne Conway, aka President Donald Trump’s campaign advisor/uhhhhh what is her job now? Said that Press Secretary Spicer wasn’t asked to lie, just present “alternative facts” about the inauguration. My friend Liz made her own list of alternative facts. In honour of my friend Liz being rad, here is “A Series of Alternative Facts (50 of them)!”
1. I am a size 4
2. And Britney Spears.
3. I have a PhD in Unicorn Studies from Hogwarts. I was sorted into Gryffindor.
4. My diet consists of cake. Cake makes you thin.
5. So do carbs.
6. YOU CAN MAKE FRIENDS WITH SALAD.
7. My kids are the most well behaved children ever.
8. My house is always clean.
9. I did not order Swiss Chalet because it was easier than cooking after working 11 hours last week. Everyone knows I make sure my kids only eat organic food from Whole Foods every single second.
10. We also didn’t have Mucho Burrito for lunch.
11. I’m married to Seth Rollins.
12. I’m also the WWE Universal Champion.
13. And I’ve won as many Oscars as Meryl Streep.
14. I’m totally a millionaire. The cell phone job and the freelancing is a clever ruse.
15. And my hair colour is totally natural.
16. The film Gigli was an underrated gem.
17. So was Batman vs. Superman.
18. And CM Punk’s UFC career is totally promising.
19. ET is totally adorable and not at all terrifying and scary.
20. Geese too.
21. Nickelback is a really great band and we as Canadians are proud of them.
22. Tinder is a great way to meet people.
23. Poutine is an overrated snack
24. Fifty Shades of Grey is super romantic and not at all about stalking.
25. Kevin O’Leary is a great choice for Prime Minister.
26. I absolutely care about your pointless FB status humble bragging about your life. I only rolled my eyes to make sure my brain was excited too.
27. Coldplay is amazing “pump you up” music.
28. My quality of life didn’t improve by playing Skyrim.
29. I absolutely didn’t pre-order my Nintendo Switch before I registered for driving school because I am a responsible adult.
30. I also did not book a week off from work to play Nintendo Switch.
31. Jacked up pickup trucks in the city are total panty droppers and do not infer that you have a tiny penis.
32. Chris Brown is a gentleman.
33. I can see John Cena.
34. When I spoiled the ending of Prison Break, I was HELPING Paul, not ruining his TV experience.
35. I love running. It’s so great.
36. I would totally listen to an entire Pitbull album over being smashed in the face with a bottle.
37. Van Hagar was better than Van Halen.
38. Beyoncé is my best friend.
39. Facebook statuses about Thoughts and Prayers are totally helpful. You don’t need to donate money. Also, bragging about your good deed makes you look altruistic and cool.
40. I can deadlift eleventy million pounds.
41. My cat Peachy can cure cancer, she just chooses not to.
42. Vaccines for sure cause autism. I read it on the internet.
43. Ross and Rachel were on a break.
44. I can’t believe so many engagements from the Bachelorette/Bachelor fail!
45. Ice cream sucks.
46. It’s totally normal to dislike animals and not at all a sign that you’re probably a psychopath.
47. Donald Trump is a perfectly rational thinking human being.
48. And the epitome of class.
49. With a thick skin and an ability to take criticism well.
50. Alternative facts aren’t complete bullshit. It’s just a different way of looking at something!