Lately, it feels like I’ve been so busy, I can barely keep up with my own life.
Of course, that’s kind of what happens when you find yourself juggling a lot of things; a 67 hour work week, crossfit, yoga, raising my family and researching my latest article with my new media company (I’m actually writing for two different magazines under the same banner, which is a lot of fun. I always wanted to get into a company where I could “flip” from one project to the next, and grow as a writer). I’m not writing entertainment pieces; I’m writing stuff that means something. I’m writing about people, about current events, about things that actually matter. It’s been so rewarding and literally everything I could ever want, aside from maybe getting to do this full time. But it’s a start, it’s a foot in the door, which is super rad. This current position has the potential to lead to so many amazing journalistic opportunities for me, and now I can even (sort of) legally drive! How cool is that kids?
However, there is one teensy, beensy, little snag. It’s still on the other side of the country. And I’m still no closer to any kind of decision. Why? BECAUSE I CAN’T EVEN COMMIT TO A TV SHOW FOR A FULL SEASON, HOW DO YOU WANT ME TO MAKE A MAJOR LIFE CHOICE OF ANY KIND?
I haven’t really talked to any of my inner circle about this, and when I do, I’m non-committal and flip. Most people are opposed or are also non-committal and flip. How does one pack up their lives and their kids and find a job and lodgings and get said stuff to said place and literally start their lives over (Yes, I’m well aware that I did it last year, but then I had a job that I brought with me and it was only two hours away), even if it for almost everything you’ve ever wanted. I think about what a disaster this move turned out to be, with the kids hating their school and not liking the city we live in and the bullying issues and I worry that this could be a disaster for them too. Then I remember how much of a pain even moving here was and my hippie friend reminding me that when one runs away from something, the universe won’t let you, because it will find you, because no matter how many times you run from something, the universe will put what is meant to be where it is meant to be. I don’t believe that, but this would be me going towards something; a goal, something I have wanted since I was eight. This would be a much better example for the girls (I think) and if Hippie friend is right, then the energy would be better…I think.
But then I think about my daughters and their relationship with their dad. He’s barely present now, would he check out completely if we moved (so far my best friend says “yes”). I know I said I wouldn’t concern myself with him or his lackadaisical parenting, but I do have to concern myself with my daughters and their psychological well being. They’ve already felt abandoned by his failure to call, failure to text, half assed visits, etc. If we move and he checks out of their lives completely, which most assume he will, that’ll be on my head. I’ll have severed their relationship with their dad. Do I want to be the one who did that?
There’s also that the cost of living is higher. I just started at my job and they generally don’t approve transfers for a year. I don’t really know how to cross country house hunt. I pretty much have no idea where to start.
However, my landlord has set a timeline for me without meaning to. He wants me to renew my lease at the end of the month. Obviously, I’ll need to either renew and stop freelancing, or go on the big adventure and finally get almost everything I’ve ever wanted.
My friend Reiva says I should just do it. I deserve the adventure, and I’m damn good at what I do. The girls will thank me for giving them the opportunity to do more than just stay in one place, and that my weird, gypsy spirit, the one that rests in the heart of this eternal optimist & hungers to move mountains and achieve all of my dreams, even though life should have beaten them out of me by now will be happy because I finally showed my girls that if you work hard, be kind & love everyone, you can do anything, but most of all you’ll be happy.
And the one thing I have been this past month is happy. I love my new jobs; I feel valuable and like an important part of the team. Maybe I’m afraid of finding a new job and ending up back in the place I was back in January, hating my job, dreading when I go to work and feeling so miserable when I go home because I was drained. I’m busier than ever, but I love where I work. I have great coworkers and bosses. As for my media job, I can’t stress enough how happy that makes me. I love learning about the people I’m interviewing and telling their stories and helping people get to know people in their community that are incredible and have accomplished so many great things…and most of their neighbours just see them as a regular person! It’s amazing and it’s everything I’ve ever wanted to do as a writer…and there are so many opportunities if I would just make up my damn mind…
…which I’ll do eventually, right? If not, I’m open to outsourcing my major life choices. Maybe Erica can take this one, she’s seen first hand the messes I can make. If not, maybe someone can email me an action plan? Help.