commitment – The Misadventures of MHC

Guess what y’all?!

THAT’S RIGHT! YOUR GIRL IS ALL WIFED UP.

I may be married now, but my last name is still the same, so I don’t need to update any branding lol. I’m still just plain old MHC

On a perfect October day, with our kids and closest family and friends as witnesses, my best friend and I promised to share our lives and build a family. I couldn’t have asked for a more wonderful day. Everything was perfect. The weather was perfect. The venue was perfect. The celebration was perfect. The person waiting for me at the other end of the aisle is perfect. It was the most magical, low key day I could have imagined and I’m so grateful to all of my friends and family for making it happen. From my beloved husband, who worked so much overtime to make sure the move didn’t derail our wedding, to one of my best friends who drove for four hours with my dream wedding cake, to one of my other best friends who acted as the greatest officiant ever , and everyone who showed up even when my own immediate family didn’t, I felt like the luckiest girl on the planet.

Photo credit: Michal Norbert photography. Cake credit: Sweet Stuff Cakes Edmonton

The day before the wedding felt like a recipe for disaster. I was panicking, had been awake since 5:30am Thursday morning. It rained. The rental was delayed and locked my husband’s credit card in error. My nephew was car sick. A bottle of conditioner leaked on my stepdaughter’s dress. Our appointment to get our license was delayed. The maid of honour was behind schedule. I was so frazzled that I cried when Shoppers sold out of my favourite bottled water. I’m talking ugly sobbing in the car while my husband tried to make me feel better.

I was so convinced that the universe didn’t want us to get married. But as I was exhaustedly trying to hold it all together, everyone I love was helping me relax so I could see it’ll be okay. My best friends brought the cake and also peach water to placate me. Another friend added moonshine to the water and your girl slept like a newborn baby haha. A blow dryer and a damp cloth saved the dress. The Blue Jays won so the rehearsal dinner was a celebration (yes I know what happened next).

By the next morning, I was drinking mimosas with my girlfriends while my daughters and stepdaughter got glammed and I had never been more relaxed in my life. All of the panic and fear was gone. Just cucumber cool. There was only the realization that I was finally going to have the life I imagined for myself when I was 19. Every roadblock, misstep, city I ran away from, bad date, lame job, tinder troll, and tear I shed was to get me to that hotel in Canmore in a white dress with my favourite human being waiting for me. Maybe it was because I was four mimosas deep, or watching my kids and stepkids goofing around and taking pics so happily from the window, or just the emotion of the day, but every single thing I had to go through to get to this place was absolutely worth it.

It was a long road to get here from that first meeting at a party when we were 16 and 18 years old. It was filled with heartache and tears. It was filled with joy and professional success. I went on adventures and made friends who became my family (and I found them all in cell phone stores). I had my heart broken more than a few times. I lost everything and built myself back up from the ashes more times than I’d like to admit. But every single scar and tear and smile and laugh brought me to the place where I was meant to be. And suddenly the concept of matrimony, a lifetime with someone; it no longer felt terrifying. It was the best decision I’ve ever made.

Photo credit: Michal Norbert photography

For once, I wasn’t worried about my weight or my appearance or if I was making everyone happy. I was just in the moment and I finally experienced the feeling of complete happiness I’d read about in books and seen at other people’s weddings. But today it was for me. It was a level of joy I took back into my regular life, as this trip to the mountains was only 48 hours and we have yet to take a honeymoon. That joy radiates in every part of my life now. Sometimes when I wake up in the morning I’m still in awe that this is even my life. I have all of the things I used to dream about; family dinners where we ask each other about our days, a family group chat full of jokes and laughs from a kooky blended family that tries to get along, baseball games and wing nights with my father in law (one who actually enjoys my company), standing on my front porch with the knowledge that this is my home, and quiet mornings with my husband in our favourite coffee shop in our sleepy little town.

It’s a feeling I’ve never experienced before. That feeling of wholeness and ease about your own life. There’s no conflict or fighting. There’s no yelling or anger. There’s no feeling of dysfunction or that feeling of being on the outside looking in, feeling like you’re too damaged or broken to be loved or desired by anyone. There’s no quiet resignation to a life that’s empty.

I’m finally home.

Thoughts? Feedback? Just want to share ideas or chat? Send me an email or contact me on social media!

Spoiler: Do not read if you have not yet watched the season premiere of Glee.

I rarely watch television, but there are about four shows that I enjoy & one of them is Glee.

I was disappointed that I missed the premiere (as I was on a train heading home from house hunting), so I followed along on Social Media & was delighted to read that my favourite couple, Kurt & Blaine had reconciled & were now engaged. As I read the details of the over the top proposal, I read people everywhere demanding a proposal like that, which reminded me of a recent post on one of my favourite blogs, Mommy Man, sharing my disdain for over the top marriage proposals. (Something I mention on this site regularly after the finale of the Bachelorette)

I do not find them romantic; I always feel like that Star Wars character that screams “it’s a trap!” After all, your whole family is there, or an arena full of people, or a flash mob & they’re all staring @ you waiting for an answer, so you have to say yes or you’re an asshole. Then you have to plan a wedding, where the bride is the centre of attention & everyone is staring & critiquing everything, & everyone is mad because so & so wasn’t invited or the bridesmaids hate their dresses & nothing is about the celebration of two people joining their lives, it’s about this party that’s worth the down payment of a house & the whole process freaks me out. While it’s sweet when Blaine plans this for Kurt, as the world of Glee is meant to be over the top, I’d probably stand there, deer caught in the headlights & then puke.

I caught up with an old friend this week & we were talking about how she & her partner are in no rush to wed because it just works for them & she reminded me that even when we were kids, I was never the “wedding” type. I always said I wanted to elope & we would just tell people when we felt like it. I’m not good with commitment; I’ve discussed it twice. Once with the sudden proposal & I spent my entire engagement trying to get out of the wedding, including nearly jilting my ex-husband @ the altar. I got my amazing daughters, so the union wasn’t a total wash, but it’s apparent that marrying him was a mistake. The second time we made a plan & the closer we got to the planned date, the more I panicked. Were we ready? Were we skipping steps? Too fast? Too slow? Do we really have to have a wedding where people will quietly judge me for being married twice? Can’t we just stay in the place we are in the relationship & just remain, because the person was right, but the timing of the engagement plan is all wrong. Maybe I just haven’t met the right person & that’s why it freaked me out. Or, I self sabotage. Whatever.

I’ve often wondered if I fail being a girl because there is no dream ring, dream wedding on Pinterest. I know my limitations & commitment is one of them. I’d either need to be engaged for a million years or one day, where the person I love shows up @ my door & tells me that no matter how much of a mess the rest of life, our relationship might be, loving me is the right thing & we just elope that day. Maybe that’s the key to relationships; keeping everyone else out, which is my big beef about these elaborate proposals. I’ve learned that sometimes, well intentioned friends & family members will butt in to your relationship when times aren’t pretty & it’s up to the two of you to keep them out, because then your relationship becomes the source of third party gossip, with someone else’s hyperbole & is usually completely wrong. Ignore them, talk to each other. You’re killing the trust by listening to your friends & family (or theirs!) over your partner. It’s okay to talk to someone for advice, but I’ve learned you need to limit that too. So, by inviting them all to your choreographed, Bruno Mars lipsynched proposal, you’ve invited them to be part of your relationship. While it’s sweet that you want to share that moment, the choice to make a lifetime commitment should be a private one, the celebration (the wedding) can involve family. When my marriage was falling apart, I had so many people offer me advice because “I was at your wedding,” so obviously they knew how to fix it. Generally, when I’m fixating, I just want a sounding board. I don’t want advice from the peanut gallery, as it makes my mind more jumbled.

I think I’m more like another Glee character, Emma Schuester (nee Pillsbury), who just cannot handle the pressure of a big, public commitment & giant wedding. The actual choice to share my life with someone will always freak me out, even if it feels like the right person. Emma jilted her fiancé Will because the wedding & the choice freaked her out & they went back to dating. They later wed in the choir room, with only their students present. And while it might seem lame to most, the idea of myself & my partner (& the legally required two witnesses) being the only ones present when we make a commitment (after I’ve breathed in the bag) sounds better than all of the flash mobs, dance numbers & Beatles covers in the world.

Tag: commitment

Worth It