I Almost Do

I don’t mind being single. I don’t mind living alone. In fact, I revel in it.

I’m kind of hermit like, and as I told my friend Steph, it’s because I have very little to contribute. People I know live exciting lives; I do a lot of yoga & sit-ups. That’s my life in a nutshell; work, raise family, yoga, run 5k, sit-ups. I find it rewarding, but I know that it’s really boring. Only the Psych Major, her husband & my friend Sarah love sit-ups as much as I do. But I revel in my boringness (I don’t think that’s a word). I love that I do whatever I want. I’m a starfish in bed, I hog it so well even the Pirate Princess (the champion bed hog) would be proud. When I decided to lighten my hair to it’s current light brown & blonde ombré, I didn’t ask for an opinion; I just did it. I pick the movie, & I really don’t care when I hog the couch blanket. I’ve only been making my own decisions for a year, so it still amuses me. I actually enjoy living alone more than I should. I’ve even given up on ever seeing a dime in child support (thanks to our flawed system in Canadaland) or that I’ll ever have an effective co-parenting relationship with the dad. I’ve accepted that I’m doing this life thing by myself & my girls & I aren’t just surviving; we’re thriving & I’m living as an example for them. I’m getting pretty good @ it too. Between meal planning & a schedule, my house is clean, my kids are eating healthy all of the time & most of the time, I’ve got life under control.

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But, I will admit, the latest development in my life makes me wish I didn’t live two hours away from everyone I know & love (one hour from my Sarnia peeps). Because I am actually a moron, I forgot I had two wisdom teeth. I forgot for YEARS, mostly because I had no benefits & couldn’t afford to have them removed. I had the other two pulled years earlier when one got impacted. Well, one of these bastards decided to remind me that they exist by shattering in my gum & getting infected. My face looks really fat & it hurts like a mother effer. But I’ll have surgery & be back to work the next day. Why? Because I can’t afford the time off. Being a sole support parent means sacrifice. But you do what you gotta do.

I won’t lie; I wouldn’t mind a supportive hand to hold to tell me the dentist isn’t scary & an offer to make me soup. I wish I had someone to watch the girls so I didn’t have to condense the teen’s slumber party. I just don’t want to do another sucky thing alone. I get that this is part of independence, but sometimes it’d be nice to have an ally. I know if I still lived in Windsor, I would have friends right there to be a help, but when one moves hours away, you don’t have these things. I guess maybe this broken tooth is helping me realize that while I can do everything on my own; maybe I don’t particularly want to all of the time & that’s okay.

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Not wanting to live forever me against the world doesn’t make me weak; it makes me human. I think I’ve held onto to this belief that I need to be completely independent to prove some kind of point, but maybe I don’t need to prove it anymore. Maybe it’s time I let people help when they offer it. Maybe it’s okay to let people offer comfort, be a friend. Maybe it’s okay to want a partner in life someday. Or maybe I’m whacked out on painkillers & rambling. That’s entirely possible & maybe, that’s okay too.

20 Replies to “I Almost Do”

  1. I hope you recover quickly from your oral surgery. It’s no easy having an aliment when you are a mom and don’t have a break for yourself.

  2. Hopefully you will have a quick and easy recovery! Not sure how old your child(ren) are- but if they are old enough to understand I’m sure they will be of some help to you, even if its just snuggles!

  3. Oh yes, it is a blessing to both parties when you let someone help you. It does the soul good both ways!

  4. Oral surgery is horrible.. Get better soon! Sometimes i like being alone also, but then i have the family to wrangle me back in.. lol

  5. I hate the dentist. Because of ongoing medical problems I had to have all of my teeth pulled since I have this aversion to dentists I decided to have it done in one day. 28 teeth pulled in one day. The absolute worst decision I ever made well that and dying my hair red. Luckily I survived both and learned. It is nice to live alone and do what you want but I imagine it would get lonely sometimes. Hope you feel better.

  6. I used to feel similar to you about 10 years ago. Actually preferred not having any friends or communicating with anyone cause all I ever did was stay home and do nothing. Just made it easier to deal with I guess rather than have to answer to someone, that is until I met my husband, and then everything changed.

    Thanks for sharing.

    I’ve gotta go get a few wisdom teeth cut out soon too and I am dreading it!!

  7. I don’t want to be single and i definitely don’t want to live alone, we have our own reasons to live, but on your story i really feel you. Thank you for sharing.

  8. I like being single, I have gotten so much done and so many things I probably wouldn’t have done if I was with someone. thanks for sharing

  9. Oh no! I hope you mend well! Also, never feel bad about “boring”. I find that “boring” can be very comforting! =)

  10. Hope you recover quickly! I live a “boring” life too and it seems everyone around is always doing exciting things. I enjoy it mostly but sometimes want a little adventure 🙂

  11. Needs and wants change over time. Simply because you’ve changed opinion on something doesn’t – as you said, it makes you human. Weakness is a state gauged by others – who cares what others think. What matters is how you feel.

  12. That’s really a tough ordeal to go through. There are many difficulties that you have to endure, but when you finally are able to overcome it, you’ll be able to come stronger. 🙂

  13. I don’t like dentist either but have to see them when I have too. I hope you find new friends in your area, it’s good to have someone that will be there for you and your kids.

  14. bwhahahah you sound a whole lot like a younger me. I once was a single mom and I loved it. I loved not having anyone tell me what to do and when to clean. But it does get boring and so does a bad relationship. So I think this is just a piece of your life to learn from… and you will eventually meet that one guy who is right for you….

  15. It’s perfectly okay to accept help and enjoy it. You’ve worked hard and, like you said, there’s nothing to prove. You can take care of yourself. Let others love you and support you too. Hugs!

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