Due to the subject matter, please click the jump to read more.
A couple of weeks ago, my girlfriends and I had an in depth conversation about SEX.
Yes folks, MH’s little PG world is about to get all kinds of Rated R!
Now onto the sex portion.
I’m kind of what you would call…a prude. Well, not really. While I’m assertive in every other aspect of my interpersonal relationships, I’m very submissive in my bed. I willingly let my man have WHATEVER he wants and if he didn’t get it, it’s because he didn’t tell me that he wanted it. When I start dating someone, we’ll have the “these are things I’ll do, things I’ll do on special occasions and this is not gonna happen” talk, but honestly, my man could tell me to do all sorts of things and I will do them willingly because he asked me to & I love him so he gets what he wants in bed (I do have one hard limit; I do not share). The more I love you, the more you will get from me in bed, just say the word & I go from cutesy girlfriend to Supervixen & even if I said it’s not something I normally do, I will not say no if my man assertively says he wants it. It doesn’t matter if we’ve been fighting, or if we’re drunk, if my man wants it & I’m able to provide it, my man gets what he wants in bed. I’m like the girl in 50 Shades of Gray, only more messed up & less stupid. But when it comes to the number, I’m a prude.
My girlfriends & I were discussing sex and how often, when, when is the right date to have sex and I sat there silently. Finally, I said the thing that shocked everyone…
…I don’t really miss sex.
Not just because I’m on my own, because I know lots of single women that go out and get theirs, & that works for them, but I’m one of the last three people on Earth who place an emotional stock in sex. I need to love you, really love you before I’ll do that with you. I need to know you love me. I need to know that this means something to you and it’s not just “there’s nothing good on TV.” I broke this rule one time & slept with a man without knowing that he loved me, but he was the exception to every rule because I was blindly in love with him & I wanted to give him everything, including me, to make him happy. So, since I have no one that I’m in a long term, loving committed relationship and no one is currently in love with me that I love in return, I have literally NO desire to have sex.
Sex is a serious thing for me and when a sexual relationship ends, I struggle with the idea of starting a new one. Even when my marriage ended, I had this big crisis about the idea of adding to that magic number and I promised myself that I wouldn’t go down that road unless I was in a long term relationship that could be the last one. So, the idea of adding to the number again freaks me out. Add in all of my other insecurities and you’ve got no libido. My one friend said this is something I should discuss in counselling, because everyone should have a fufilling sex life. She said it because she loves me and wants me to be happy. She knows that while I am happy with my life to a degree (I’m missing my byline), she wants me to have complete happiness, and that includes amazing sex, so I need to get over this.
Is it so wrong to not want to have sex? I don’t really feel like I’m missing anything. Much like dating, I’m apathetic. I don’t want Mr. Anyone, I don’t want to elevate the magic number more than I have to. I’m not looking to date because I know where my heart & mind are and it’s not fair to a man. Sex is the same; could I turn over my body to someone I don’t love? I understand that those acts are different things, but they aren’t for me. They are very connected and I’m not sure I’m willing to compromise that part of my psyche because I want to get some. Honestly, the urge is just isn’t there. If I have the urge, it’s you I desire, because I love your mind, your personality, your heart, your flaws, all of you. Loving those things makes me hunger for your body. Without that connection, I think sex would feel kind of…cheap.
I guess I won’t be on the prowl anytime soon, but I’m not sure that I’m some kind of freak either. Maybe I do need to loosen up when it comes to sex. But when I think that way, I think of how I’m the mother of daughters and I need to lead by example. While they don’t know what I do in my bedroom, I have to think about what kind of woman I want them to be and if it’s not “girl that picks up random guys,” then I can’t do it either. Kids do what they see, even if you don’t think they see. If a little girl sees that Daddy brings girls in and out and these faces and friends disappear, then they will learn to feel like an expendable piece of trash. If a girl sees Mommy has a rotation of “friends” then she will think that’s the norm, or a boy will think that women are just someone to put in rotation. My friends have managed to find that balance between casual sex, sex within a relationship & still maintaining a positive example for their kids & sometimes I wish I could too, but I’m afraid to teach my girls the wrong thing. I sometimes feel like I’ve screwed them up and I don’t want to make it worse. So, I try to keep my body mine, unless you’re someone I loved enough to want to give you everything. That’s not a big list and I don’t want to make it a big list.
I don’t know the right or wrong answer, just what works for me and right now, I think abstinence works just fine. The answer is different for everyone. My friends can make that balance & it works, but my feelings are different & I’d rather refrain than complicate who I am…or I’m a huge prude. Whatever.