Better Than Revenge

After writing about my “pep talk,” I got a lot of messages that I thought I’d share. They were definitely split.

“Your friend is right! Listen to her good advice”

“I say be the cat lady! Learn to knit or crochet!”

“Loved your blog! I’m not positive that I agree with your friend though. I was the same way with DH: he’ll call, he’ll stop by, he’s the one…and on, and on, and on. My friend told me to stop moping and go live my life. I still waited. Now we’ve been married for almost 8 years.”

“Girl, I will personally come to Canada and kick your butt if you pass up a chance to date a cute boy again! Blank is a tool! Although if things change, I’ll come to your wedding, but right now, he’s a tool! And don’t think me coming to kick your butt is a good way to lure me to Canada, cause I’ll be pouty and grumpy the entire time I’m there and I have no passport, so I’ll probably be thrown in some Canadian prison and be left there to have lesbian scissor sex until I die. You don’t want that for me do you??? So be a good friend! And go date the cute customs guy you crazy lady!” – Gotta love my Texan!

They go on & on. Some say trust your gut, if you think he’s the one, wait for him! Others say move on. It’s a lot like my real life hahaha. Although I did cancel my date (three cheers for work!)

The heated & contrasting statements muddled up my thought process more than it already was. I know my friends say it’s the right thing, it’s the smart thing, but never has the right thing felt so…wrong. I don’t feel I’m in the right frame of mind to meet anyone. I’m still in love with him & while I get that he’s not an option, he’s still the only one I want. The girls still want him & pray that Jesus will bring back his little girl & my eldest sobs to her counsellor that our family only makes sense with him as a part of it. She wouldn’t speak to me before she left for camp because she found out I spoke to another man. So, there’s that.

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I guess it still feels like its not my choice, it’s everyone else’s & I want to make my own choices about my life. My choice, albeit unpopular, is to live alone & wait for him for that teensy chance, by some miracle, I’ll get to be the one to make him happy & love him. But my friends choose for me to date. It just feels so unfair to someone else “Hey, I like you well enough, but I would still rather be with someone else.” I guess I’m being selfish, but this is my life & I feel like it should be my call to make.

Peachy agrees that my cat lady future is faboosh.
Peachy agrees that my cat lady future is faboosh.

This is part of that opening my mind thing; accepting that maybe there is more than one “one.” Maybe I’ll meet someone & I’ll fall in love & forget he ever existed. Maybe I’ll finally find Prince Charming & he’ll be everything I ever wanted. Maybe I just need to think its an option. Maybe I need to stop staring out @ the rain & wish I could rush into his arms & kiss him while he tells me he’s so sorry & he loves me. Maybe I need to live, I’m sure he is. He likely doesn’t give me a second thought. (If he did, he’d have to admit my friend’s evaluation in the last post is 100% correct). I’m not going to be closed off to the idea, but I need to work my way up to it. Maybe I’ll meet someone & sparks will fly & that’ll be the start of a new story.

Maybe I’m looking at things all wrong. After all, everyone’s right; he knows I’m here (maybe not how I feel, it’s not like we’ve talked) & doesn’t make any effort to be here, so it’s time to put him behind me, put the little girl who I loved like mine behind me. But it feels so weird to put what feels like the right thing away for something that might not be right. I guess that’s my biggest fear; that I’ll meet someone & he’ll come back & be hurt. Yes, I understand that I’m concerned about hurting someone who tore me to pieces, but I’d still rather be torn apart than hurt him even once. I can’t. I’d rather be collateral damage in his hurricane than hurt him. And it still feels wrong. He is my choice. My choice is to love him, even if he doesn’t love me. Loving him was the best thing I ever did (besides be a mom); I gave without wanting in return, I embraced flaws, I loved the most unlovable actions. I couldn’t love my friends like that (ask my now Ex-bff’s who got a perfunctory letter apologizing for their mistakes to give them satisfaction & me closure & were promptly shut out for lying to me), my ex husband. I could only love him that way because when he was with me, for the first time in my life, there were no what ifs, there was only “this is as right as breathing.” Only raising my children & journalism have felt that way. When he was with me, everything in life made perfect sense & my only insecurity came from the fear that he’d walk away & leave me, because of my own struggle to see my amazeballsness & worried that my background, my big mouth, & my not being used to a man who wasn’t gonna beat my ass or walk out on me if I made a mistake (to my credit, he did, three cheers for self-fulfilling prophecy!). I could have happily remained where I was with him & I guess letting go means letting go of the very best non-parenting thing I’ve ever done & the very best person I’ve ever known, not to mention a sweet little girl that I loved like she was my own little girl & loved me. My girls miss her so. My youngest refuses to go to JK because it would mean saying goodbye to imaginary best friend, since real one is gone. I’m afraid to ever introduce them to someone else. The mere mention brings tears & “No! Blank is coming back & he’ll be sad that you didn’t wait for him! He promised he’d always come back!” So, there’s that. I guess deep down, I’m still holding onto that promise too; that he’d run, do anything to escape the reality of leaving the person he felt he was supposed to be with, but in the end, his love for me outweighed anything else & he’d come back to me. I know he lied, but I guess I just want to believe it. I know it seems odd to choose to love someone who doesn’t seem to care about you, but real love isn’t done to be reciprocated. I choose to love that man because he is who he is, good or bad & him loving me back would be a bonus. Maybe I’ll change my mind someday, but it seems ugly to shut off the one truly selfless emotion I’ve ever felt for a person that I didn’t give birth to. So, I will love him, regardless of whether I see him again or he ever loves me back…I think. Maybe I’ll stop. But the other person’s reciprocation should never be a deal breaker on love. That’s not how it works. Real love is when you look @ every good, bad & horrible thing about them & embrace it because you don’t just love the good stuff, the bad is just as much a part of them & they make you aspire to be better because of them, not to please them. That’s how I love that man & even if I do have a lonely life, oh well. I’d still rather love him knowing I will likely never have him than be with anyone else ever.

So, this is my conflicted sense of self: where right seems weird & right is gone. I’ll figure it out. Maybe my kid won’t hate me when I do. I feel so biploar & back & forth, but I need to step back & sort it out & writing is the only way I know to do that. It’s funny, but the only person who knew how to talk me out of these over analytical moments of confusion is the very person I need to let go of. All he had to do was say my name & I’d stop & focus & talk it all through. Just like he always said when he’d panic, I could calmly explain it all away & my steadfast belief that we belonged together would make him calm down & think & realize that he was being silly, because I knew him better than anyone & once I spoke with such conviction, he realized I understood & he’d relax & feel comfortable again (when he talked to me, but the longer he shut me out, he told me that would be the more he’d panic, invent what wasn’t real, chase any woman he could, knowing its the wrong thing, even though everyone would tell him he was wasting his time or it was a mistake, make mess after mess & destruct slowly while watching me from afar because he didn’t feel he could come back to me after hurting me. He said he needed that reminder that I knew him better than anyone, no matter how long it had been since we spoke & I would tell him it was okay, I wasn’t mad, just come home & be here & we’ll just be together while we fix things, because as the Bible says: love washes away a multitude of sins). I just need to let go of the idea that I understood him & could always talk him back from the brink of his own self sabotage with my logical mind & love for him. Maybe I need to sit down & decide what’s right for me…

…I’m still open to suggestions though, as clearly I’m doing a terrible job.

Maybe I'll even smile all of the time.
Maybe I’ll even smile all of the time.