I always forget my friends actually read my blog hahaha.
After my late night vent, I got a phone call from a friend who ripped me a new ass about the fact that I once again would put off dating in favour of pining. I gave her the same answers & she gave me crap. Once again I had the chance to meet someone, likely better than someone who just walked out without a word & is pretty much a douche, because I’m the one person on Earth who sees good in him. She said that chances are he sees me as the back up plan, the ever devoted girl who truly loves him & will be waiting for when he’s finally ready to settle down. Or he just never cared @ all & its time that I accepted that while I was madly in love, I was just something to do & a free babysitter, because if there was love, he’d be here with the girls & I, who miss him so much. If he had a soul, he would be with us, she said. He’d have come back & kept all of his promises to us, because that’s what a real man does. I argued, defended him, but there was no point.
I said I want to wait for him, she reminded me that he isn’t coming. I told her I don’t want to settle, I want the one I see as the one. She said that going out on a date with a cute guy (like the cute Customs Guy another friend & I saw the other night) is not “settling,” it’s allowing myself the chance to find someone who wants me & my girls for us. Maybe there is better for us out there & I need to stop being so stubborn & steadfastly believing in someone who has done nothing to earn my faith in his goodness, because if he was the person I thought he was, he’d be here. She said that even if I was “meant to be” with him (and she truly hopes God wouldn’t punish me like that. I went into defense mode again, he’s good, it’s me, I don’t deserve him, etc.), then maybe I need to stop waiting & pining because then there would be the realization that you can’t live it up & assume MH will be here like a faithful doormat for you to come back to when you’re lonely for something. She’s beautiful & intelligent & in demand. If he’s “the one” like I keep saying, then maybe he needs to hear that the woman that loves him isn’t willing to put her life on hold; she deserves better, so go to her & be with her before someone else snatches her up & you’re left without the one woman who truly loves him exactly as he is (I pointed out that the odds of him sitting around reading my lame blog are nil. She said if he was still sitting around reading my blog, then it’s time for him to admit he’s still in love with me, because you can’t move on when you’re looking back @ the past, you’re just stringing someone else along hoping to escape, but you know the truth, so suck it up, admit it & do something about it before someone else does & you lose out. Also, I should write about how hot I am. I laughed & reminded her of my cat lady plan & that I would rather be honest & risk the mockery than be something I’m not, which is someone who dates). Otherwise, maybe Mr. Right was one of the many dates I cancelled, or the guy who gave me his number @ work on the weekend, or the cute Customs Guy who remarked that my soft little voice was cute, or any one of the men who stop & stare @ me when we’re shopping. Because if he was Mr. Right, he’d be here. Nothing would keep him from being here with me; pride, humility, arrogance, nothing. He would beg me to be with him because I was the best thing for him, the end. That hasn’t happened, so stop wasting the best of me on someone who will never appreciate it. (I still disagree, but I guess I need to try. Waiting does no good)
So, apparently I’m going to try dating again. Apparently soon. I can’t stand him up. I can’t be aloof. I have to attempt to get to know a man better & have no expectations. Is it settling? I don’t know, but I guess she’s right; I need to start living. I don’t know if dating needs to be part of it, but regardless of what happens, I can’t keep closing myself off, waiting for the man I love when he’s not coming. Maybe my emotional blog post was my catharsis. Maybe it’s what needed to be said so I could hear tough love & finally move on, for real this time. Maybe my determination to finally move on will kick start my future, alone or not. Maybe this will be another epic disaster or the “want what you can’t have” mentality will kick in & I’ll be confused & hurt all over again. But, I’m not gonna what if. I’m just going to open my mind…my heart I’ll open later.