“Get your f***ing ass to the park & come get YOUR daughter.”
I so love chats with the dad. Of course, she’s only MY kid when she’s acting out. When she’s winning awards, she’s his kid through & through, they even look alike! When I try explaining that we need to consistently parent her, I got that he has no involvement in what happens @ my house, but I must drop everything to back him up when she’s with him. Kay.
He’s not the first to question my parenting this week. Counsellor & Gramma say that my grounding her & taking her phone is unacceptable, as her telling me that she hates me & I ruined her life & if I were a better mom & person, she’d still have a normal family with the “S” word, a dad that actually likes her is opening up & I shouldn’t get upset. She says “If you just told him we need him & love him, he’d be here, but you won’t even try because you don’t care about anyone but yourself.” I feel like her teen years are gonna rule.
It’s basically a series of needs & wants. The true measure of love is putting aside your own wants & needs for theirs. You may want & need to be with someone, but if they don’t want it, you have to give them what they want. It doesn’t matter how much someone is wanted & loved, if their want is to leave, you do it, even though it tears you apart & you still miss them months later.
But you can’t tell a child who’s own extended family rejects her that someone doesn’t want to be here, so you say they’re busy, no time, etc. I’ve even said the tired Mom line “If I could fix it, I would, but I can’t,” but she feels I’ve never really tried, because if I just said that we needed them, they’d be here. She says that the “S” word said that he loved her & someone who loves you doesn’t just leave & families don’t just split up when they’re happy! She looks to her Camp Rock & High School Musical & The Last Song & says that if you just tell someone that you need them & love them one last time, that last impassioned plea, they’ll show up @ your door & tell you that they need you & love you too. But reality will crush childlike innocence every time, especially when she believes with all of her heart that those simple words of “We love and need you” can move a person, that they hold such impact that the wanted & needed person will feel so moved that they will come back (just like in the movies) & she will have the person and family she wants most. I guess I let her be angry @ me, so she doesn’t have to feel rejected by anyone else, she can just think I suck than believe another person she saw as her male role model didn’t want to be her role model. I guess I’m still protective, wanting people to believe the best in a person that most people in my life say wouldn’t show me the same, but I still defend them.
Which brings me to another need & want scenario. While I want my angry tween to talk to me about why she’s mad, I also need to teach her respect. She has two younger sisters who emulate her & I cannot perpetuate the idea that her attitude is okay, so I discipline. I’m trying to balance addressing feelings, but without saying hurtful things, which is harder when the Dad’s solution is to hand her back to me when she cops am attitude, reopening those wounds. It’s my job to teach her how to become a lady, so I can’t condone hurtful language. So, I’ll take the hit from the counsellor, Gramma, & the Dad too.
I’m going to be the bad guy a lot of the time & that’s how it has to be I guess. But it’s a necessary evil, as being the bad guy will help teach my girls important life lessons on how to treat people, etc. I always forget that moms sometimes have to play fairy godmother & wicked witch in order to do their job right. So, I walk the tightrope & hope I get them all to 18 without one of them knocking off a liquor store.